Ex picking up children query

ginsterman

My friend split from her ex a couple of years ago and moved 100 miles away from him with the children (1 school age, 1 pre school) to live with her parents as she needed the emotional and financial support. They have a private agreement for maintenance, and he has the children every fortnight for the weekend. He insists that she meets him halfway to hand over the children, not even 10 miles closer to her. So twice a month she travels 200 miles each weekend. She is on benefits and the maintenance, he earns in excess of 50k a year. He is frequently late meeting them (its a power trip he still likes to exert) and usually gives less than 24 hours notice of the time he wants to meet regardless of plans my friend may have made.
So the questions i am asking are: Does she have to meet him halfway every single time? Is the onus on him to pick them up? Its costing her £40 in fuel each time which she can barely afford, he won't give her a contribution to the fuel either.

Any advice gratefully received even if its to say tough, she has to carry on meeting him halfway

Thanks

robpw2

as she chose to move 100 miles away i think meeting him halfway is pretty fair..(i might get slated but wateva)
he could do more in terms of notice thought but as he works he may generally not know times/details

his wage shouldnt come into it ..
if she is living with parents why can she not get a part-time job if money is so tight

balletshoes

I agree, she chose to move, so I think meeting him halfway is fair.

If its causing serious issues with your friend, maybe she should be thinking of making both access and maintenance official, through the proper channels.

lazer

ginsterman wrote: »

My friend split from her ex a couple of years ago and moved 100 miles away from him with the children (1 school age, 1 pre school) to live with her parents as she needed the emotional and financial support. They have a private agreement for maintenance, and he has the children every fortnight for the weekend. He insists that she meets him halfway to hand over the children, not even 10 miles closer to her. So twice a month she travels 200 miles each weekend. She is on benefits and the maintenance, he earns in excess of 50k a year. He is frequently late meeting them (its a power trip he still likes to exert) and usually gives less than 24 hours notice of the time he wants to meet regardless of plans my friend may have made.
So the questions i am asking are: Does she have to meet him halfway every single time? Is the onus on him to pick them up? Its costing her £40 in fuel each time which she can barely afford, he won't give her a contribution to the fuel either.

Any advice gratefully received even if its to say tough, she has to carry on meeting him halfway

Thanks

Legally - no i don't think she has to give him anything, however she should be aware that he can get the maintenance reduced to cover excessive travel costs (which i think a 400 mile round trip is!)

Morally - I think it the resident parents moves away they should be responsible for paying for and facilitating the transport for the NRP's access, and vice versa, if they NRP moves away then they should be responsible for funding access.

RadoJo

I agree - it was her choice to move away, and although she may be in a worse financial position than he is, presumably she would have known this would be the case when she made that decision. I also think that more notice/regularly scheduled access would be better for her and the kids.

Does she have any friends near where her husband lives? Would it be feasible for her to take them all the way to his every so often and see or even stay with friends for a night in exchange for him doing the whole journey the next time? I would still amount to the same driving time but she might feel as though she had at least had a break at the same time.

downsizer3

Half and half on travel I agree - regardless for her reasons for moving.
What I do thnk is unreasonable is his dictating time / being late etc. Unless there is a good reason for it she needs to impress on him that he needs to give decent notice of time and try to be on time - she could start playing up too and then it would decend into a real mess. He needs to grow up on that one.

lolavix

He shouldn't be late etc but that's something they need to discuss between them.

I'm in the same camp as other posters - if my OH's ex moved his son that far away and expected us to cover all travel costs we would be fuming! What he earns is nothing to do with it, it was her choice.

Part of me feels it's unfair on the children as well to be moved so far away from their father at such a young age, but that's just my opinion.

Mojisola

ginsterman wrote: »

He is frequently late meeting them (its a power trip he still likes to exert) and usually gives less than 24 hours notice of the time he wants to meet regardless of plans my friend may have made.

downsizer3 wrote: »

What I do thnk is unreasonable is his dictating time / being late etc. Unless there is a good reason for it she needs to impress on him that he needs to give decent notice of time and try to be on time

She is letting him control her. She can stop this.

The times he can have the children need to be set in advance. Even if he works shifts, the times can be set months in advance. Any changes due to emergencies, health issues, etc, will be rare in most people's lives.

The time of collection should be adhered to. I'll bet he manages to turn up for work on time every day. Both of them should allow some leeway, say 15 minutes, from the agreed time. Tell him that she will wait this long and then take the children home and then stick to it.

Get her to keep a diary of all the contacts and changes he makes/tries to make, all the late arrivals and copies of his texts, emails and phone calls.

podperson

To be honest, it was her choice to move the children 200 miles away from their father - and whatever relationship problems they may have had I'm assuming the kids still have a decent relationship with their dad if they're seeing him regularly. So, yes I do think she should be making some effort in regards to helping with the distance. If there was a post from a guy on here saying his ex had moved 100 miles away with his kids and he had to drive 200 miles to see them while she made no effort to help - then would you think that was fair?

Would the ex maybe agree to him making the full trip one weekend and her making it the next time. Longer drive but would only be once a month instead of twice and as someone above mentioned then if she still has friends over there then could maybe tie in with visiting them. I do agree that he needs to give her more notice and be on time though.

However, that's only my personal opinion and since there's no official agreement in place then he can't 'make her' drive halfway - but she also can't 'make him' pay the maintenance. So might be best if both are sorted through the official channels.

ginsterman

Thanks to all replies, the reason she moved is she couldnt afford to run the family home which he then sold, he moved in with the woman he left her for leaving her in a big house with all the bills, as the kids were under school age at that time, she was looking after them. She moved away to be with her parents to cut down on accomodation costs while she got herself sorted, she is getting a part time job. The ex will be providing a home for her and the children. My own personal view is that he wants his cake and wants hers too, he left her for another woman, he wants to dictate to her when and where they meet. It was his decision to leave the family unit, he should not be able to pull all the strings now he isnt part of it. Yes, i know he is still the childrens father and i agree that he should be a full part of their lives but i dont agree it should be on his terms.

But that is just my view and i can appreciate all sides. I know that if i didnt have any spare money i wouldnt spend it making his life easier!!

balletshoes

Regardless of what you think of the ex, you're right, he is still the kids' father, he is having regular access, and is paying regular maintenance. So for the kids' sakes, its up to your friend and her ex to sort it out as amicably as they can. And I still think your friend should drive halfway. How is that having his cake and hers too? And he isn't pulling all the strings in her life if the access is twice a month - he's at the most, attempting to pull the strings twice a month. As another poster said above, your friend could try insisting that access is sorted out on a monthly or even longer ahead basis, therefore cutting out the late notifications.