MSE Single Parents Thread

gibson123

I know I can be quite flippant, so please excuse me, I just think as a single parent that you have to get on with it and can't afford to indulgent in tears and drama.
Cranky, I don't think we are quite as unique as people seem to think, single parenthood is normally caused by death or divorce - not as the media would have us believe, a result of laziness, wanting to get social housing and to cheat the benefits system..... grrrrrr!!
My own cirumstances couldn't have been any worse, I lost my OH, then was sacked from my very demanding job for being stressed and pregnant!! As my accommodation came with the job, I was also homeless. Luckily my Mum was still alive so off I went back home, got a lawyer, settled out of court with the employer, had the baby, retrained, went back to work, got promoted several times, bought a house, then for my 40th bought another house (in Turkey). Hard work - yes it is, worth it, yes it is. My daughter is wonderful, I am fairly secure and happy and have good friends and family. Relationships - well I date on and off, but men our age and unattached are either high maintenance,hopeless or kidding themselves that they don't have a wife and 2 kids at home. I got propositioned when I was out Friday night, basically an offer of in his words 2great sex, no ties" and seriously as Bridget Jones said " I want something much more extra-ordinary than that"

SingleSue

gibson123 wrote: »

And gibson123 - this is when I would love for a partner to take over & just give me a break.

Well that's when I pack her a bag and send her off to my sisters for a week (my sister has no daughters :whistle:)

Even better when I pack her off and then head off for a weekend with friends.

The way I see it, I work hard for us, and I deserve my time off and my little treats.

I can only dream of doing something like that, I don't have time off or the treats.

As with anything in life, being a single parent is not a one size fits all. Not all single parents will have ex partners who will have the child/children on a regular basis, or have family members who can have the children overnight or even just for a few hours so not all parents will get those little but very important breaks away from the children.

For me, it is hard work, there are no breaks, no treats, no time to catch up on sleep or just have chill time and I have not just one but 3 children...all with multiple disabilities, so the work involved with them is massive.

Yes, I have tears but it is better to do that than completely break (as I did in 2005 when I was still married but had a similar workload apart from having the ability to actually go out socially on the odd night). Maybe if I could have even one overnight free a year (hell, I would take more than one evening out a year, ( 7pm-9.30) for starters!), then I could possibly think slightly more positively but I don't......so that is reflected in my mood.

One of my particular problems is that disabilities, especially disabilities which can make someone aggressive and violent, scare people off. I lost all my friends when the boys were young, they just could not cope with them being there, this was then compounded when I switched to working in the evening so that I was working opposite hours to my then husband as childcare was impossible to obtain for daytime working hours.

So yes, I am lonely for adult conversation, adult interaction, adult support. Ok, the boys are always there so I am not physically lonely but it is not the right kind of interaction needed to stave off that lack of adult contact, that feeling of being alone in the responsibility of getting things right.

There have been some positives however, I can parent consistantly, we don't have the feeling of walking on eggshells everyday, I have control of the remote control :rotfl:, I can reallllllyyyy stretch out on the bed if I want to, the budget and how it is spent is my choice.

The biggest positive has been for the boys, with the more consistant parenting and the absence of that aggresive undertone, they are happier, better adjusted and are doing better than expected even 5 years ago educationally.

I'm still knackered and lonely though!

gibson123

SingleSue that is an awful position to be in, can you not get respite care, or is that me just being naive? You have my undiluted admiration for coping with all you have on your plate :T:A:A, and you sound like a wonderful mother, but there must be more to life for you than constant parenting, if not it's a disgrace and we need to all write to our MP's in support! Surely a couple of afternoon offs a week for a coffee and chat with other parents isn't too much to ask?

SingleSue

Afraid it is a no to respite.....social services did try but they got the same reaction I did when they asked local childminders, a big fat no blooming way.

I usually stay quite positive though, just occasionally I will start feeling sorry for myself (people can usually tell on here if it is a bad day) and just take each day as it comes...on really bad days, I do it hour to hour and try not to think too far ahead, now that would really do my head in!

Mind you, I can't say life is boring, there is always something going on and it does make the days pass quickly, sometimes I think I have entered into some kind of alternative universe where time goes twice as fast as it should do and before I know it, it's a new day and we start all over again. :rotfl:

Yes, I do get frustrated when I see what fun other people are having, for example, my sister and her husband going to gigs etc but I just keep in mind that the boys will not be children forever and at some point, the workload will lessen....she says with fingers very firmly crossed whilst touching every bit of wood available in the near vicinity! :rotfl:

Until then, we will take it day by day and hope for the best.

WickedWitch123

Hi all, can i join you please?
I've been a single parent now for about 18 months, hubby walked out after 20 years of marriage saying I had made his life too stressful, he never wanted children anyway and i've changed too much (honestly, these are the reasons he gave). Anyway, i'm still in the 'cast adrift' stage i think but I am slowly starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

He still sees his younger daughter so I do have a break from the constant demands of a 4 year old but his older daughter (15)hasn't seen him now in over a year so if I do go out with friends i'm still watching the clock as I don't like to leave her on her own too late.

I love having the double bed to myself but that took some getting used to - i was still sticking to 'my side'. Someone said about being able to decide whether to spend bonus money on takeaways or a holiday. That sums it up for me too.

If it was completely up to me though i'd still be married so its hard to see positives, i still see mainly negatives (especially as far as the girls are concerned).

It'll be nice to talk to people who understand amd her your experiences.

WW x

*winter*

Hi, I will be following too! I was 'cast aside' nearly 4 weeks ago now. Sometimes it really hurts and other times it feels great. Its confusing for me at the moment; he doesn't want to be here, but offers to help cut the grass, saw the wood and sat around our chimnea the other night for half an hour after dropping the children off (i've said no to the helping hand).
Practically, I am ok; he was always out so I can hold my own in that respect, and it is great to have the bed to myself and get a great night's sleep (no more snoring!!).
The children find it hard sometimes when he still doesn't seem to make an effort with them but I suppose that is early days too.

It will be great to tap into other peoples experiences - my family and friends have been great; don't know what I would have done without them xx

emsywoo123

For those freshly "cast aside" (I'm really not keen on that term but I understand why it is used!) please believe me when I say I do not know of a single parent that, in time, is not happier as they are than in a poor relationship.

Which, if truth be told, any relationship where one parent can walk out has to be fairly poor at some level or another.

sweetme

I'll say hello. I have been an independent parent for nearly three years now. I don't like the term single mum. I have four children, two girls 16 and 15 and two boys 11 and 5. On the whole I have no complaints. I enjoy my freedom and my independence. It's darned hard work though! I do think I'm kinda ready for meeting someone new now though. I am 40 in five months and terrified I'll end up alone.

Own_My_Own

sweetme wrote: »

I'll say hello. I have been an independent parent for nearly three years now. I don't like the term single mum. I have four children, two girls 16 and 15 and two boys 11 and 5. On the whole I have no complaints. I enjoy my freedom and my independence. It's darned hard work though! I do think I'm kinda ready for meeting someone new now though. I am 40 in five months and terrified I'll end up alone.

I have been independent for so long now ending up alone doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact I am ready for it. On my drive is my folding camper MuMu2. When the children are older and do not want to go away with Mum, me a bottle of wine and MuMu2 are going on some adventures together. We are going to places the children have never fancied.
Bring it on :rotfl:

Ps I'm hitting 40 aswell.

sweetme

Own_My_Own wrote: »

I have been independent for so long now ending up alone doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact I am ready for it. On my drive is my folding camper MuMu2. When the children are older and do not want to go away with Mum, me a bottle of wine and MuMu2 are going on some adventures together. We are going to places the children have never fancied.
Bring it on :rotfl:

If I do end up alone then so be it. I get tired of my own company and it would be nice to have someone to share my life with