Punishment suggestion?

meritaten

SeaNymph - yes, you can go to GP with hints and your own take on him! everything you have told us is ringing my alarm bells - even when you say he is being 'nice'! it is ringing the bells even louder!
hun, see the GP and do not take 'its just being a lad' for an answer - insist you want a second opinion from a psychiatrist. because the waiting list is yonks!!! and you do not have much time before he is legally an adult.

Seanymph

Surely - and I'm not being argumentative for the sake of it - he'd need to co-operate with me to do that?

Being told 'I think you have some sort of condition' isn't going to help the 'esteem' that everyone seems to think the lack of is the cause of this.

I WISH I'd had guidance earlier - believe me - but 20% of people say 'there's something wrong there, you should get help and 80% of people tilt their heads and say 'poor little mite, of course he's disturbed - you should be nicer to him'............... well believe me everyone has been nice.

I believe in consequences - boundaries - and spending time with my kids. And at the start of this thread I was head-banging because i thought 'here we go again'.

His sister was referred through to CAMHS, and accepted into counselling - and refused to co-operate. She got a tentative opinion from the psych nurse that she had aspergic tendencies - I got hugged for being such a stabilising influence and told without my lifestyle she'd have 'gone off the rails sooner' - after five sessions they withdrew the support because there are so many kids who NEED this time and she was making no use of it at all (she was 15) and at 16 she upped sticks and went to live with her grandmother.

I do NOT want to alienate this young man. His father wouldn't support me in getting medical intervention - and to be fair I totally take on board what everyone has said about 'being the black sheep' and blimey, if I'm wrong (or you are - you have only read one thread about him!) - then what a dreadful thing to do - it would destroy so much between he and I.

So, I hang in there, keep banging the 'that belongs to someone else' drum and for anyone wondering how hard done by he is I'm up at 7.03 and have been up for an hour to drive him the 20 minute walk to the bus for his first day at college. And I will be sitting at the stop in the car when he gets back at 6pm and I don't doubt for a minute I will be the only 'mum' doing that for a 16 year old who COULD walk it or cycle it.

And no, that doesn't make me overbearing - he's asked me to because let's face it, who would want to walk if you didn't have to!

I know exactly what you are saying meri - and if I gave you the list you'd start jumping up and down - because you are the half of me that thinks is 'something bigger' - but I didn't have him live with me until he was 11, I don't know his early history only snapshots (when he started school he would sit with his back to the teacher in 'circle time' and not join in) - but I wasn't there, OH didn't get involved, and I have no history.......... then you make excuses because he's 'lost his mum' and 'moved into a new family' - two years of me getting counselling, him doing bereaved children's courses, support from bereaved children's charities....... and then you start to think it's a bit bigger and suddenly he's 6'4" tall, intervention offered like family support workers appear to work and then you learn they haven't and his getting his GCSE's are more important and you are emailing his teachers every week!

I'm not making excuses - if I thought I could get him help and it would be received and supported by his father I'd be there tomorrow - I pushed like mad for his sister (but she had other stuff going on) - but I am the rock in his world - despite getting angry with him and considering his theft is unacceptable, and I forgive myself for that I really do - I cannot drag him to the doctors and sit there and say 'something is wrong with him'.

Anyway, he didn't steal this time. So, I'll work on being less furious - he'll make me cups of tea every hour for the next few days and we'll muddle through.

But I feel really validated by your posting to me, because I have thought (for a few years) that something is not computing right for him - it's just that I see it because I'm so close (he laughs at mean things for example) - and other people don't see it because he is so lovely.

adouglasmhor

Seanymph wrote: »

If one of his friends stays over and leaves an item of clothing here SS just wears it - he has no sense of 'that belongs to someone else' - he's even been known to wear things belonging to DD's friends when they have been left at the house, he doesn't return people's belongings, and he takes what he wants - be that money from my purse or something from DD's room.

We have worked with the family support worker from school (who have been involved) - but still he has the same attitude.

I just can't seem to get around it - I keep hoping that he'll grow out of it (he is only 16 after all) - and hadn't caught him stealing in a while - but this does have the feel of something he is likely to have done.

He won't grow out of it. He will end up in court or hospital when he does it to the wrong person, he will be virtually unemployable once employers see how he behaves. If the family support worker is not making progress serious professional intervention is needed ASAP.

Seanymph

Even though he hadn't done it adouglas? And he hasn't stolen for a while - it's months since he did.

Again, I'm not making excuses, it's just exhibiting how totally confused I am - if you google it many teens steal, and then stop stealing. People on this thread have said that they did, and then grew out of it.

He was the youngest, so saw his earning elder siblings with money - which he didn't had (he only had his allowance) and we live in a fairly affluent area - that's not true, he was in a fairly affluent friendship group because he socialised with the siblings of his sisters friends - so he was playing 'keep up' with them. (and i wasn't!).

For me it is a two headed coin - it's always been a two headed coin - I think to make a sweeping 'he'll end up in prison' statement on the back of four pages of a thread I started when I was very angry, and with a false accusation, may be jumping the gun slightly.

Equally, IF he steals again, or has gone through his siblings drawers and taken stuff, I really will be doing the angry dance you saw at the beginning - because I have nowhere else to go with this now.

See - confused.

sharnad

You don't know he hasn't stolen for a while. You mean he hasn't been caught stealing for a while. Does he never go out by himself sounds like he's had a toughnlife and some time with a counsellor would help. You should ask him if hed like to see a doctor as your worried about him

sharnad

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

I don't seem to have any trouble.

I also don't think that associating with known 'druggies' and law-breakers shows strength of character, quite the reverse in fact.

I have loads of trouble with my iPod either not typing quickly enough predicting the words, or just my fingers not hitting the right letter on the screen. I much prefer keyboard so easy to make mistakes on the ipod

Seanymph

Your right - he hasn't been caught stealing. Because unless we absolutely catch him then we don't accuse him.

He doesn't want to see a counsellor. He doesn't want that very strongly. He has been offered a number of times.

No, he doesn't go out much. He's a 'homebody' - So he spends time mostly with me. He always has. I guess I've put it down to his insecurities because of losing his mum, and just let him tag along. So we still spend a lot of time together.

He started college today, so I'm hoping that he will start going out more. And a month or so ago we supplied him with a moped, he's been out more since he's had that (we live rurally) - but in many ways he isn't pushing the same boundaries as other kids his age. He would rather watch a film or go fishing by himself.

adouglasmhor

Seanymph wrote: »

Even though he hadn't done it adouglas? And he hasn't stolen for a while - it's months since he did.

Again, I'm not making excuses, it's just exhibiting how totally confused I am - if you google it many teens steal, and then stop stealing. People on this thread have said that they did, and then grew out of it.

He was the youngest, so saw his earning elder siblings with money - which he didn't had (he only had his allowance) and we live in a fairly affluent area - that's not true, he was in a fairly affluent friendship group because he socialised with the siblings of his sisters friends - so he was playing 'keep up' with them. (and i wasn't!).

For me it is a two headed coin - it's always been a two headed coin - I think to make a sweeping 'he'll end up in prison' statement on the back of four pages of a thread I started when I was very angry, and with a false accusation, may be jumping the gun slightly.

Equally, IF he steals again, or has gone through his siblings drawers and taken stuff, I really will be doing the angry dance you saw at the beginning - because I have nowhere else to go with this now.

See - confused.

But his attitude has not changed and the School counsellor couldn't shift it. I know people in their 40s and 30s like that, they don't have a great life and it's very late to change now.

meritaten

Seanymph wrote: »

Surely - and I'm not being argumentative for the sake of it - he'd need to co-operate with me to do that?

Being told 'I think you have some sort of condition' isn't going to help the 'esteem' that everyone seems to think the lack of is the cause of this.

I WISH I'd had guidance earlier - believe me - but 20% of people say 'there's something wrong there, you should get help and 80% of people tilt their heads and say 'poor little mite, of course he's disturbed - you should be nicer to him'............... well believe me everyone has been nice.

I believe in consequences - boundaries - and spending time with my kids. And at the start of this thread I was head-banging because i thought 'here we go again'.

His sister was referred through to CAMHS, and accepted into counselling - and refused to co-operate. She got a tentative opinion from the psych nurse that she had aspergic tendencies - I got hugged for being such a stabilising influence and told without my lifestyle she'd have 'gone off the rails sooner' - after five sessions they withdrew the support because there are so many kids who NEED this time and she was making no use of it at all (she was 15) and at 16 she upped sticks and went to live with her grandmother.

I do NOT want to alienate this young man. His father wouldn't support me in getting medical intervention - and to be fair I totally take on board what everyone has said about 'being the black sheep' and blimey, if I'm wrong (or you are - you have only read one thread about him!) - then what a dreadful thing to do - it would destroy so much between he and I.

So, I hang in there, keep banging the 'that belongs to someone else' drum and for anyone wondering how hard done by he is I'm up at 7.03 and have been up for an hour to drive him the 20 minute walk to the bus for his first day at college. And I will be sitting at the stop in the car when he gets back at 6pm and I don't doubt for a minute I will be the only 'mum' doing that for a 16 year old who COULD walk it or cycle it.

And no, that doesn't make me overbearing - he's asked me to because let's face it, who would want to walk if you didn't have to!

I know exactly what you are saying meri - and if I gave you the list you'd start jumping up and down - because you are the half of me that thinks is 'something bigger' - but I didn't have him live with me until he was 11, I don't know his early history only snapshots (when he started school he would sit with his back to the teacher in 'circle time' and not join in) - but I wasn't there, OH didn't get involved, and I have no history.......... then you make excuses because he's 'lost his mum' and 'moved into a new family' - two years of me getting counselling, him doing bereaved children's courses, support from bereaved children's charities....... and then you start to think it's a bit bigger and suddenly he's 6'4" tall, intervention offered like family support workers appear to work and then you learn they haven't and his getting his GCSE's are more important and you are emailing his teachers every week!

I'm not making excuses - if I thought I could get him help and it would be received and supported by his father I'd be there tomorrow - I pushed like mad for his sister (but she had other stuff going on) - but I am the rock in his world - despite getting angry with him and considering his theft is unacceptable, and I forgive myself for that I really do - I cannot drag him to the doctors and sit there and say 'something is wrong with him'.

Anyway, he didn't steal this time. So, I'll work on being less furious - he'll make me cups of tea every hour for the next few days and we'll muddle through.

But I feel really validated by your posting to me, because I have thought (for a few years) that something is not computing right for him - it's just that I see it because I'm so close (he laughs at mean things for example) - and other people don't see it because he is so lovely.

OK seanymph - go it alone then. YOU become the expert here - youre three quarters the way there because YOU know him better than anyone.
Ive already explained what I have been doing lately in my PM so you can do it too! I will help if I can - just PM me and we will work on it together.
hang in there!

atrixblue.-MFR-.

sounds very stressfull seanymph but what about you? how are you coping and managing, surely your OH should realise that this affects you, and inturn if it affects you then there should be a right course of action and support you in that? not just let him get on with it to continue adding pressure on the family.