How to ensure a burial takes place the way I want it to

sassyblue

Hootie19 wrote: »

Thank you again

I have given up on "friends". Everyone I have ever been close to has eventually crapped on me from a great height. So I now choose to steer clear. And one thing I have found is that there is no such thing as "free days out". A day out would imply something outside of my own town, so there will be travel costs. And if a group of people are on a day out, there will at least be the costs of a cup of tea somewhere, and I just can't afford that. And if I take a flask with me - well I'll just look like a right pillock being the only one not inside a cafe or whatever, but sitting outside on my own. No - friends are just not worth it. But thank you for the suggestion.

I am not eligible for any benefits, and with only one credit card, I don't need a DMP. What I do need is to somehow get away from my husband, who refuses to deal with his financial situation, and is dragging me down with him. (I have posted previously on this issue, and have now just had enough of it all - and him.) But I am stuck here due to financial constraints, and just feel like I have had all the fight knocked out of me. I am so tired of it all.

Right hootie, I know you're feeling tired of everything but all is NOT lost. Your choices are...... Stuff the hubby - go and speak to the creditors (If they will talk to you) and get on top of those debts, he's had 15 months to do it, his tough luck he hasn't done so.

Once you know where you are money wise, decide if you're going to see this through with hubby. How much is your house worth? Large enough to downsize? Enough to split and go your separate ways?

You sound worn down but if you take control your energy will return xxxx

Btw, l have 'moderate depression' (as described by my doctor) but no way would l want to wallow like your hubby is. Yes it's hard, very hard at times but you've got to help yourself.

McKneff

~With all due respect Hootie, I think if you were careful you could easily exist on your own on £16K a year, many people have to live on half that.

I dont think youre OH is the only one who is wallowing and yu really need to go see your GP.

You need to help yourself first before you can expect others to help you. And helping yourself to start with means talking to someone who can help you, ie your GP. Do you really wnat to spend the rest of your life like this. Of course you dont, so take a step in the right direction.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but the start of a new life has got to do with you taking the first step.

dragonette

My OH has major depression and several chronic (and painful) conditions. He doesn't hide from himself or his responsibilities towards me. He spends more when his depression is bad but at least checks with me. And while he finds dealing with anything 'official' petrifying, he gets either myself or his family to help him get it right. I'm sorry, your husbands depression is NOT a sufficient excuse to not deal with his debts.

If he has been to the Dr recently and nothing has changed, could you go with him next time? He may not be telling them how bad he is (or the Dr may not place much reliance on what he says). The Dr will listen to you and take your description of how seriously the depression is affectng his ife when deciding treatment.

This souinds horrendous for you Hootie, but there is no reason to give up. I would consider seeing the Dr on your own behalf too. Maybe some assertiveness training?

At the very least, you could sell the ring, have yourself a holiday (alone!) And give yourself time and space to think all this through

pollypenny

Hootie, before I even read about your Oh, I thought you sounded depressed yourself.

Talk to your doctor and seek help with finances. There has to be a way to at least afford a coffee out.

What about walks, where you can take a flask and a picnic?

Fire_Fox

dragonette wrote: »

My OH has major depression and several chronic (and painful) conditions. He doesn't hide from himself or his responsibilities towards me. He spends more when his depression is bad but at least checks with me. And while he finds dealing with anything 'official' petrifying, he gets either myself or his family to help him get it right. I'm sorry, your husbands depression is NOT a sufficient excuse to not deal with his debts.

Everyone's symptoms are different, they aren't always logical or rational. Some people can barely get out of bed, can't wash or feed themselves, let alone communicate with others to address financial stuff. Even if I can place the call, I've locked myself out of telephone banking with the security stuff many times and ended up in tears or half way to a panic attack. And I am not dealing with scary stuff like debts!

So I think poorly controlled clinical depression can be an excuse for not dealing with finances or other issues in real time. But there is far less excuse for not trying to deal with the depression better - this would have the knock on effect of making the financial stuff more manageable.

Hootie19

sassyblue wrote: »

Right hootie, I know you're feeling tired of everything but all is NOT lost. Your choices are...... Stuff the hubby - go and speak to the creditors (If they will talk to you) and get on top of those debts, he's had 15 months to do it, his tough luck he hasn't done so.

Once you know where you are money wise, decide if you're going to see this through with hubby. How much is your house worth? Large enough to downsize? Enough to split and go your separate ways?

You sound worn down but if you take control your energy will return xxxx

Btw, l have 'moderate depression' (as described by my doctor) but no way would l want to wallow like your hubby is. Yes it's hard, very hard at times but you've got to help yourself.

Thank you sally.

His creditors won't talk to me. I've tried. I get the "data protection" answer. He won't give them permission to talk to me as he says "he will do it when he's ready".

We could easily downsize. One adult child now left home, one wanting (against all my advice) to move in with his girlfriend and baby, and one off to uni (hopefully) later this month. However, our house is in SUCH a poor state (my husband has just left a trail of unfinished DIY around the place) that I really don't think we'd be able to sell it. Or if it did sell, we wouldn't get anywhere near what it *should* be worth. A neighbour, who's house was absolutely immaculate, and bigger than ours as it had been extended, has just sold for £200,000. In it's present state, I doubt we'd even see £180,000 for ours. Which then presents the problem of what do I/we use as a deposit for the next property, be it rented or purchased.

As I said, I feel so trapped in this situation.

But I do thank you for replying.

Hootie19

McKneff wrote: »

~With all due respect Hootie, I think if you were careful you could easily exist on your own on £16K a year, many people have to live on half that.

I dont think youre OH is the only one who is wallowing and yu really need to go see your GP.

You need to help yourself first before you can expect others to help you. And helping yourself to start with means talking to someone who can help you, ie your GP. Do you really wnat to spend the rest of your life like this. Of course you dont, so take a step in the right direction.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but the start of a new life has got to do with you taking the first step.

Thank you.

Yes, I take your point. But that's just it, isn't it? Existing. Not living. Just existing. I don't think I'd be any better off on my own, with still no money to actually do anything or go anywhere.

And if existing is all I can look forward to, then I'd really rather not bother.

And I wonder what good going to the GP would do? I'd likely also get a prescription for happy pills. And that's it. No GP can do anything to solve the root of the problem, so I don't see the point, really.

melanzana

Do not take this the wrong way, please, but if I were you I would donate my body to medical science ( said before on the thread).

That way, you don't have to pay for anything AFAIK, and you can use the ring for things you want yourself. Maybe running away money?

Good luck to you love. You sound like you are in a sad place at the moment. I wish I could help you.

Hootie19

dragonette wrote: »

My OH has major depression and several chronic (and painful) conditions. He doesn't hide from himself or his responsibilities towards me. He spends more when his depression is bad but at least checks with me. And while he finds dealing with anything 'official' petrifying, he gets either myself or his family to help him get it right. I'm sorry, your husbands depression is NOT a sufficient excuse to not deal with his debts.

If he has been to the Dr recently and nothing has changed, could you go with him next time? He may not be telling them how bad he is (or the Dr may not place much reliance on what he says). The Dr will listen to you and take your description of how seriously the depression is affectng his ife when deciding treatment.

This souinds horrendous for you Hootie, but there is no reason to give up. I would consider seeing the Dr on your own behalf too. Maybe some assertiveness training?

At the very least, you could sell the ring, have yourself a holiday (alone!) And give yourself time and space to think all this through

Thank you.

As I said to McKeff, I can't see the point of going to the doctor, as they can't solve the root of the problems.

And I really don't want to have a MH "label" after reading a few posts on another thread where the replies seem to be saying that no future employer would touch someone with a "stress and depression" history with a bargepole. I love my job - it's the one good thing in my life at the moment - but as I work in our local council, there is always the possibility of redundancies in the current economic climate, and so I would need to keep my chances as good as possible, of securing another job, should it come to it.

Hootie19

pollypenny wrote: »

Hootie, before I even read about your Oh, I thought you sounded depressed yourself.

Talk to your doctor and seek help with finances. There has to be a way to at least afford a coffee out.

What about walks, where you can take a flask and a picnic?

Thank you.

As said above, I don't see what the GP can do that's going to make any difference.

And *I* don't have problems with *my* finances. It's only when we look at the household budget overall, that the problems arise. As we pool our money, what my husband has lost in his salary, has to be made up from somewhere. And at the moment that's me. And I just can't do it.

I have been onto the CCCS website, and put in his information, and it suggested a DMP. I gave him all the information, but he just put it to one side. Definite head in the sand syndrome.