Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

19lottie82

RosaBernicia wrote: »

Nothing to stop her taking a stop-gap job and keeping on looking though.


Rosa xx

Agreed. I'm not saying that if she takes a lower paid job she will be there forever, but realistically if you have been out of the game for 4 years you will more than likely have to take a less than perfect job and work your way back up, as you will be competing against others with continuous employment records.

PS She is looking for work in the admin field, where in the area that we live, £20k is towards the top end of the pay scale.

shegirl

Of course people should look for any job but jeez 20k salary is hardly an unrealistic salary to chase,it's hardly high pay is it.Must admit I assumed you meant she was going for high paying jobs.

19lottie82 wrote: »

How would you describe un realistic?

Do you think all job seekers should be allowed to set a £20k minimum for jobs that they will apply for regardless of their circumstances?

If someone has been out fo work for a number of years and has recently been applying for jobs at >£x pa, and after 6 months, hasn't had any luck. I'd say that they are being un realistic and should lower their salary expectations.

The job centre will expect all job seekers to apply for NMW jobs after they have been out of work for a certain period of time. Surely that's better for the person in question than living on benefits?

MrsE_2

Fire_Fox wrote: »

I think some people are being very unfair to 19Lottie82. Much of her posts can be read as frustration, annoyance, defending herself and her partner; aggression/ bitter/ twisted/ despising are very strong words when we can't see her face nor hear the tone in her voice. It is possible to want to separate/ distance oneself and ones finances without secretly wanted to separate the children from their mother, looking for a practical solution was what I read in the OP! I applaud the mother for getting off the alcohol but the reality is addicts can be extremely difficult and extremely selfish.

Plus all the OP is really saying is, "benefits money for the children will soon be stopped (when we move in together), should my BF & I give his ex money from our wages to cover loss of benefits".

19lottie82

Shegirl, as I have said, IMO if she is applying for jobs with that salary and not getting anywhere (after 6 months), do you not think that's proving my point that she's being a little unrealistic?

£20k may be considered high in some professions and low in others. In the admin field, it is high.

I work in the same field and see how many applicants apply for high end admin jobs with similar salaries. These applicants are filtered out and the ones with a strong work history are definitely at the top of the pile.

I'm not trying to be nasty here, or put her down, I'm just being honest.

DuckEggGingham

I always thought a registered/diagnosed alcoholic had their driving license revoked? Don't DVLA have to be informed of such a diagnosis based on medical grounds?

19lottie82

DuckEggGingham wrote: »

I always thought a registered/diagnosed alcoholic had their driving license revoked? Don't DVLA have to be informed of such a diagnosis based on medical grounds?

DEG - As far as I know she did lose her license but got it back. I'm not sure of the details, I've never asked.

delain

DuckEggGingham wrote: »

I always thought a registered/diagnosed alcoholic had their driving license revoked? Don't DVLA have to be informed of such a diagnosis based on medical grounds?

No they don't. My mums OH is an alcoholic and has been disqualified for drink driving several times (actually he is at the moment) and he's always been able to get it back. His insurance doesn't bear thinking about though!

Anyway the DVLA rely on people actually telling them things, which doesn't often happen.

lazer

How many times have we seen threads on here saying my ex is looking a share of the child benefits for when he has the children - and the general answer is that no. Any father should be able to pay to look after their children for a day etc etc etc, they should make the effort...

Why is the answer different in this case in which we are not talking about tax credits, but actually giving the NRP earned money. (answer - its the mother who is the absent parent!)

I think it is very admirable that your OH does currently give her money to keep the children happy, but you have no legal or moral obligation to give her anything.
In fact if she starts earning - you claim child maintenace from her (which will be reduced by 3/7ths for when she has the children)

As the income your OH currently give is tax credits, In my mind this is fair As your OH are getting the tax credits on the basis that you have the children full time, when you don't - so he does not have the cost of looking after the children full time.
I think he should continue to give a percentage of the child benefit.

PS - the important thing is doing what is right for the children, their happiness and safety are paramount.

shegirl

19lottie82 wrote: »

Shegirl, as I have said, IMO if she is applying for jobs with that salary and not getting anywhere (after 6 months), do you not think that's proving my point that she's being a little unrealistic?

£20k may be considered high in some professions and low in others. In the admin field, it is high.

I work in the same field and see how many applicants apply for high end admin jobs with similar salaries. These applicants are filtered out and the ones with a strong work history are definitely at the top of the pile.

I'm not trying to be nasty here, or put her down, I'm just being honest.

I wouldn't say much unrealistic,more that she needs to broaden her horizons!But that's by the by really.She does need to widen her job search buy that's true for many.Not doing so may be her trying to help herself be as she once was (minus the alcohol) so it may take a while for it to sink in.It doesn't make it right but it's something a lot get stuck in,unfortunately.

I'm not defending her ideals,just to make that clear lol

Is her voluntary work related?I never quite understand the voluntary if there is an actual NEED to work but not going for jobs that are lower paid.Voluntary work is great for many reasons but with a need for pay I don't think it should be a choice over lower pay or combining the two!

embob74

I think you have a terrible dilemma OP. Well done on looking for solutions rather than refusing to help at all.
I agree with other posters who have suggested a visit to the solicitor to put forward a proposal of an amount of money to be given for each day/night she has the children. I don't think it should be anywhere near the £20 mark though. Make sure the kids have all the clothes they will need and then all they need is a little for food. I think £30 would be a very generous amount for three nights. That is enough to feed the children well (box of cereal, some milk, sandwiches, dinner and snacks) and should be enough for some money left over that the mum can save up for treats (cinema, travel etc)
I don't think the mother needs to take the kids out every week if she cannot afford to do so.
I think the more money you give the mother the more you are enabling her to avoid being self-sufficient.
It would be interesting to see if she still wants the children when they don't come with money! Might be just the incentive she needs to get a job - ANY JOB.
Bet there's not many people on JSA that get their hair done every 8 weeks.
Tell your OH to cut the purse strings. You are his partner and the household (of which the children are a part) should be paid for by both of you. The mother is not part of your household and she should be paying you!