Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

mountainofdebt

19lottie82 wrote: »

MoD - I'm not going to begrudge giving her some cash to look after the kids,They are the main focus here and I want them to be happy, so if this includes covering THEIR expenses while they spend time with their mother, so be it. all I'm asking for is opinions on what others thing is reasonable based on the circumstances that I have described and bearing in mind that their father is the resident parent

Well I guess the answer to your question is to use standard maintenance rates and pro-rata that.

Or alternatively ask her to provide receipts for money spent on the children and in the case of food just give her 2/3rds of the amount spent (as I presume you won't want to be subsiding her food)

MrsE_2

19lottie82 wrote: »

Although this has been suggested by others and it could be tempting (!!!), it would be pretty condescending, and I want to avoid "rocking the boat" as much as possible for the sake of the kids.

I don't feel the need to embarrass (?) the woman by treating her like a child - , I just want a fair solution for everyone involved

If she has pride & doesn't want to be embarrassed then she won't want subsidising from you or your partners wages. She's not entitled to maintenance.

FatVonD

19lottie82 wrote: »

But you're not answering either!

I'm asking you what you think it costs to look after 2 kids 3 nights a week? (which is relevant to my OP) NOT what you think she is entitled to at the moment.

Based on what I would feed my stepkids/own son over 3 days I would say £24.40.

This is based on cereal for breakfast, pate sandwiches with lettuce and onion for lunch. 3 evening meals (chicken tikka masala with naan bread, sausages, mash and beans and spaghetti bolognese plus snacks of yoghurt, fruit and one pack of crisps each per day.

I chose things I would actually let ours eat and not value products for everything (I wouldn't for instance feed our kids value sausages.) I'm sure you could get it down cheaper with more value products but, since you have the kid's interests at heart, I'm sure you wouldn't be insisting on them eating the cheapest of everything.


Shopping Basket
Quantity Product Price Remove from basket

1

Tesco Cornflakes 500G
£1.29


1

Tesco Ready Salted Crisps 6 Pack
£1.00


1

Tesco Everyday Value Bananas
£1.15


1

Tesco Everyday Value Grapes 500G Punnet
£0.98


2

Tesco Low Fat Sunshine Fruits Yogurt 6X125g
£2.00


1

Tesco Iceberg Lettuce Each Class 1
£0.80


1

Tesco Brussels Pate 175G
£0.58


1

Tiger Loaf Sliced 800 Grams
£1.00


1

Tesco Everyday Value Double Strength Orange Squash 750Ml
£0.32


1

Tesco Semi- Skimmed Milk 2.272Ltr/4 Pints
£1.18


1

Tesco Everyday Value Butter 250G
£0.98


1

Red Peppers Each Class 1
£0.78


2

Loose Red Onions Class 2
£0.38


1

Tesco Everyday Value Spaghetti 500G
£0.24


1

Tesco Bolognese Pasta Sauce Jar 500G
£0.95


1

Tesco Beef Mince 500G
£2.84


1

Tesco Baked Bean In Tomato Sauce 420G
£0.40


1

White Potatoes 2.5Kg Tray
£1.35


1

Tesco 8 Pork Sausages 454G
£1.19


1

Tesco 2 Plain Naan Bread
£0.70


1

Tesco Everyday Value Basmati Rice 1Kg
£1.29


1

Tesco Chicken Tikka Masala 400G
£3.00


I haven't included toiletries or any extra costs for heating/baths/showers etc. My DSD wouldn't eat bananas either, she prefers strawberries!



So now are you prepared to tell us whether this is more or less than your partner has been giving her? (ie £24.40 per week or £97.60 per month.)

FatVonD

19lottie82 wrote: »

Good question......My OH goes to the same salon for a trim once a month, he is friends with the owner who often drops in to the conversation if his ex has been in. He knows how much it costs as he used to pay for it when they were together.

You seem to know an awful lot about this woman you have only met once (though bizarrely not the thing that might actually be important, ie, whether she is legally allowed to drive the kids or not!)

19lottie82

FatVonD wrote: »

So now are you prepared to tell us whether this is more or less than your partner has been giving her? (ie £24.40 per week or £97.60 per month.)

OK fair enough, a deal is a deal. He gives her just under £400 a month.

lolly_896

No, i wouldn't.
In fact i would be asking her for child maintenance.

19lottie82

FatVonD wrote: »

You seem to know an awful lot about this woman you have only met once (though bizarrely not the thing that might actually be important, ie, whether she is legally allowed to drive the kids or not!)

I wouldn't say so. I know what my OH tells me, and I have been with him for 2.5 years.

As I said I know she did have her license taken off her, but it was returned recently. Not sure of the details, I didn't ask.

Fire_Fox

19lottie82 wrote: »

She says she is looking for work but is hunting for positions circa 20k (after being unemployed for 4 years). Her local Tesco are recrutiting. My OH suggested that she apply as the hours would be flexible, and she told him to "get real".

Has she been claiming JSA for four years or not able to work for four years? If she has been claiming JSA she should be applying for minimum wage jobs, if not you could report her for benefit fraud and she may be sanctioned. Ditto if she has not been declaring the child support.

19lottie82 wrote: »

Agreed. I'm not saying that if she takes a lower paid job she will be there forever, but realistically if you have been out of the game for 4 years you will more than likely have to take a less than perfect job and work your way back up, as you will be competing against others with continuous employment records.

When you return to work from a period of unemployment or sick leave you need to remain in your first job for a decent period or you look flaky. Can she afford to take a low paid job as a single person household, or would she end up worse off than on benefits? By worse off I mean, cannot cover even the basic bills and travel costs. What the government expects single people to live on is totally unrealistic, 25% are in fuel poverty and that is counting the ones on a decent income.

19lottie82 wrote: »

Shegirl, as I have said, IMO if she is applying for jobs with that salary and not getting anywhere (after 6 months), do you not think that's proving my point that she's being a little unrealistic?

£20k may be considered high in some professions and low in others. In the admin field, it is high.

I work in the same field and see how many applicants apply for high end admin jobs with similar salaries. These applicants are filtered out and the ones with a strong work history are definitely at the top of the pile.

I'm not trying to be nasty here, or put her down, I'm just being honest.

Six months in the middle of a recession does not demonstrate someone is being unrealistic. I have gaps in my CV due to health issues and was unemployed in 2010: after four months I took a part time job on a hourly rate far below my skills and experience. With no working tax credits between 16 and 30 hours many singletons have to look for work that is full time or a decent hourly rate.

19lottie82 wrote: »

I understand that this may be the case in London, but the 2 bed flat she currently rents is £350 pcm, pretty much standard for the area.

When was the last time you lived alone and supported yourself? Minimum wage take home pay is around £900 a month, a flat in your area is a large proportion of that! Chances are she will lose any free travel pass she has and council tax benefit, many flats are heated electrically which is crazy expensive to run: many times more than gas and about to increase by up to 10%. Then one has to consider how you manage the first month without JSA or wages.

19lottie82

FF - I could argue with you but the job thing is another kettle of fish that has been debated already. Some people have different views to others which is fair enough.

For the record I don't think she is declaring the £ she is receiveing on top of her benefits, but that's not my business....

19lottie82

Fire_Fox wrote: »

When was the last time you lived alone and supported yourself?

I have lived alone and supported myself since I was 18 (including on NMW jobs), what made you think otherwise (out of curiosity)?