Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

FatVonD

19lottie82 wrote: »

he can't! He is just frightened of her kicking off and going bananas again. As someone already said, he's a soft touch because of the kids.
He's getting fed up of it tho and he mentioned it this evening saying that when we move in together she can get the child benefit (I think it's about £130 a month for 2 kids, does that sound about right?) and that's it.

I don't know what child benefit is for 2 children (I know I get around £80 for 1 but it may be less for a second child) but £130 sounds reasonable even on a 5 week month.

If it becomes clear after a few weeks that the kids are living on jam sandwiches when they're there I'd go down the route of providing the food and say something along the lines of 'we forgot a major expense re the house move/the bank have screwed up/my employers have screwed up so I have nothing in my account at the moment. I can't withdraw money but I can pay for some food shopping on my 0% for purchases credit card for while you have the kids.

I would suggest getting the child benefit money paid into a different account so it's never been part of your partner's contribution to the household's money before it goes out to their mum because it is soooooooooo easy for resentment to build up.

Paulgonnabedebtfree

A long thread and I only read a small part of it so apologies if this has been covered.
Firstly, the cold, hard cash stuff. Perhaps an informal mediation could help out. I imagine that such a service could be available if sought? My belief is that she should not receive any more money than the children cost her - or to be on the safe side - perhaps a small amount more to allow a margin for error. She's unlikely to have money spare if she's on benefits. Food could be given to the children to take with them and any outings could be by pre-booked tickets (cinema etc.). Outings (including fares) may be where you would need to concede some ground as their mother would clearly need to be with them due to their ages but is unlikely to be able to fund herself. So you may have to accept paying for her to go out with them for the day as benefits have no built in allowance for this. Other possible costs are supplying/washing extra bed linen and heating/lighting an extra room (2?) for part of the week, extra laundry costs as I assume the girls leave a small stash of clothing there - and a few miscellaneous items (tissues, detergent and hot water for extra washing up etc.). In pre-paying tickets for outings, you ensure the girls go out with their mother and that she doesn't spend it on herself.
I actually believe the money side of it may be the simpler part of all this.

The emotional stuff is trickier. I will contribute to this but I could be way off the mark as I don't know the personalities.

Should the girls see their mother? An unequivocal yes. She's stopped drinking (hopefully for keeps) so they are not in physical danger from possible recklessness. Of course that could change if she re-starts drinking. As for emotional fallout - that is unfortunate. She needs to be able to vocalise her resentments to her ex rather than to their children. It's an unfortunate reality that addicts/alcoholics tend to be fuelled by resentments. It's partly a sickness of egocentricity where empathy can be in short supply. I realise that many of us have this in varying degrees but some have it more severely. So, nine months off the sauce, it's likely that she only sees what's been done to her rather than how she has affected others. If she stays off the sauce a lot longer and genuinely tries to practise what she learns at AA, it's likely that this will gradually change for the better (been there, done that etc.) . Unfortunately, some addicts/alcoholics' minds get very frazzled and it can take some years of abstinence and self development to become a more effective functioning person. You can't stop the drink/drugs and suddenly be OK. A few might get the hang of things fairly quickly but for many (most?) it just doesn't work like that.
Her job hunting. To set a minimum salary as a goal in her current situation is poor judgement IMO. I can't be too critical because I know how easy it is for someone in early recovery to set themself unrealistic targets. It's often unintentional and accepting lower limitations with good grace can often be part of the recovery process. Of course, the job market isn't so great right now either. It's bizarre that in aiming for a particular type of job, she may be seeking something that she won't be able to cope with until her mind heals from her addiction (and the stuff that likely went on before it as the drink/drugs are usually a symptom of deeper lying problems). I've even known people to manage fairly high flying jobs while drinking but after they stop, they need to do something simpler until their heads improve - sometimes a few years on. So I reckon she probably needs to do paid work for now that is relatively simple and gradually get used to full time work again. Of course, it's quite possible that 12 hours a week voluntary work is all her stress levels can handle for now. I don't think she should be judged too harshly for not doing full time paid work just yet. She may not be ready. I fully expect some on here to sharpen their knives at me for saying that but I don't care. I'm writing as I find.