Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

BitterAndTwisted

What woulds I do? Give her advance warning that once you set up home together his Working-Tax Credits or whatever they are will be reduced. And therefore the cash contributions he makes to her for the children's keep will have to be reduced by the same amount if it can no longer be afforded.

It's plain to me that nearly £100 a week is extremely generous. It's pretty obvious that she could barely feed herself adequately on £70 a week JSA but feeding two kids for three days a week would be nowhere near a hundred quid.

RosaBernicia

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Has she been claiming JSA for four years or not able to work for four years? If she has been claiming JSA she should be applying for minimum wage jobs, if not you could report her for benefit fraud and she may be sanctioned. Ditto if she has not been declaring the child support.

I suspect you'll find this is the issue. One of the reasons I no longer see a schoolfriend was her complaint about 'living on benefits' having just spent £200 on Hallowe'en decorations. In her case it was Daddy who bankrolled her (and still does). Understanding of real world = none whatsoever.

Fire_Fox wrote: »

When was the last time you lived alone and supported yourself? Minimum wage take home pay is around £900 a month, a flat in your area is a large proportion of that! Chances are she will lose any free travel pass she has and council tax benefit, many flats are heated electrically which is crazy expensive to run: many times more than gas and about to increase by up to 10%. Then one has to consider how you manage the first month without JSA or wages.

I live alone in an electric-only flat and support myself on a good income, but paying off debts is my priority and takes up a huge chunk of my pay. So without wishing to start too much of a debate...

Using my bills etc:
Rent £350
Council tax £92 (my rate, very expensive town)
Electric £52 (this is probably a slight overpayment, but presumably she has a room for the kids which will cost more to heat)
Broadband and landline £20
TV licence £12.50
Mobile phone £15 (monthly contract)
Gifts savings pot £40
Holidays savings pot £50

£900 minus total of £631.50, which leaves £268.50 a month for food, clothes and entertainment. My current disposable income after bills and debt payments is £400, and I am rubbish with my food bill and pay petrol out of that, so I'm not sure that's undoable. Have I missed anything? - oh apart from water which is in my rent so not sure of an estimate. And the kids, which is what we're debating.

However, the car costs me about £75 a month to maintain so I can see why that would be difficult without support. Oh and the cat is probably costing me £30 a month .

I believe there are support arrangements available for transition to monthly pay.

19lottie82 wrote: »

Although this has been suggested by others and it could be tempting (!!!), it would be pretty condescending, and I want to avoid "rocking the boat" as much as possible for the sake of the kids.

I don't feel the need to embarrass (?) the woman by treating her like a child - , I just want a fair solution for everyone involved

I really, really don't think buying her shopping is appropriate. I think most people would consider it patronising and controlling.

Could you perhaps achieve the same thing by determining which costs like uniform you will each cover, and taking on a bit more than you expect of her?


Rosa xx

FatVonD

19lottie82 wrote: »

OK fair enough, a deal is a deal. He gives her just under £400 a month.

At last!

I think that is excessive, (how on earth can he afford that when you say he is on a low income?) I would say £120 is more realistic.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

19lottie82 wrote: »

DEG - I trust my partner in regards to this issue. Believe me there is NO WAY he would let the kids get in a car with her if he wasn't sure that she was legally allowed (thus insured) to drive it.

Well, he bought a car for her when she apparently had her licence revoked. So that's nonsense.

http://www.mims.co.uk/news/977866/Current-Medical-Standards-Fitness-Drive

They have to be absolutely clean for a period equal to or in excess of a year.

19lottie82

FatVonD wrote: »

how on earth can he afford that

he can't! He is just frightened of her kicking off and going bananas again. As someone already said, he's a soft touch because of the kids.
He's getting fed up of it tho and he mentioned it this evening saying that when we move in together she can get the child benefit (I think it's about £130 a month for 2 kids, does that sound about right?) and that's it.

19lottie82

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Well, he bought a car for her when she apparently had her licence revoked. So that's nonsense.

http://www.mims.co.uk/news/977866/Current-Medical-Standards-Fitness-Drive

They have to be absolutely clean for a period equal to or in excess of a year.

As far as I know she got her license revoked for drink driving just before I met him and got it back about a year ago.

As someone else says I think the DVLA actually rely on people informing them about medical conditions that mean they can't drive, so I'm presuming a lot of these people conveniently "forget".

Fire_Fox

19lottie82 wrote: »

As far as I know she got her license revoked for drink driving just before I met him and got it back about a year ago.

As someone else says I think the DVLA actually rely on people informing them about medical conditions that mean they can't drive, so I'm presuming a lot of these people conveniently "forget".

Might be best she has sold the car, she may well not be properly insured if she is not supposed to have a license.

daska

19lottie82 wrote: »

As far as I know she got her license revoked for drink driving just before I met him and got it back about a year ago.

As someone else says I think the DVLA actually rely on people informing them about medical conditions that mean they can't drive, so I'm presuming a lot of these people conveniently "forget".

That's certainly my experience, I rang them about something completely different, which they didn't have a problem with, but they picked up on my having had meningitis which initiated a health check. If I hadn't rung them I would never even have realised they needed to be told, let alone that I needed to tell them. I would say Alcoholism is a tad more obvious though!

£400 :eek:

SingleSue

19lottie82 wrote: »

Shegirl, as I have said, IMO if she is applying for jobs with that salary and not getting anywhere (after 6 months), do you not think that's proving my point that she's being a little unrealistic?

£20k may be considered high in some professions and low in others. In the admin field, it is high.

I work in the same field and see how many applicants apply for high end admin jobs with similar salaries. These applicants are filtered out and the ones with a strong work history are definitely at the top of the pile.

I'm not trying to be nasty here, or put her down, I'm just being honest.

Blimey, I was earning a lot more than that in the admin field back in 1991/2!

SingleSue

19lottie82 wrote: »

OK fair enough, a deal is a deal. He gives her just under £400 a month.

Double blimey...I don't even get half that that in maintenance from my ex husband who doesn't actually have the children at all bar about 3 hours a year (his choice - I've tried to convince him to have them more but he would rather not).