Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

Boots888

19lottie82 wrote: »

Bit of a complicated (and long) one here.

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years. He split up with his ex wife 3.5 years ago. He left her and took their 2 daughters (who are currently now 8 and 12), as she was a chronic alcoholic. She used to go on benders that would result in her being hospitalised / sectioned….. he tried to help her and stayed with her for 3 years but eventually had to leave.

When we got together her relationship with the kids was pretty inconsistent as she would go through phases of drinking, not drinking, drinking…… you get the picture. However, for the last 9 months she has managed to give up drinking and attends AA meetings twice a week, so my OH lets her take the kids 3 nights a week and he takes them 4.

Now although she has managed to give up drinking she is still a major PITA. Constantly badmouthing my OH to the girls, (Despite all of her wrong doings, my OH and I NEVER bad mouth her in front of the kids) trying to start fights with him in front of the kids, sending him nasty text messages and, even though she has only met me once in passing she totally hates my guts and isn’t afraid to vocalise this. I do understand why – it’s obvious that I have what she wants, even though it’s all her own fault she lost it in the first place. BUT we wish she could just have a bit of dignity, for the sake of her kids, if nothing else, be civil and move on.
She doesn’t work, after being made redundant about 4 years ago. I think she could, as she volunteers 12 hours a week. She tells my OH that she is constantly looking for jobs, but I think she is just being a bit picky as to what she is applying for. Before things got bad, she had a pretty decent job and I think she is expecting to go back in at that level again, but let’s face it, after being out of work for 4 years, I don’t think this is totally realistic, especially in this day and age.

My OH works, but doesn’t earn great wages. As he has been the RP since they split and pays for everything, he claims child tax credits and child benefit. He gives her a percentage of this every month which she says is to help her “look after the kids” but we all know that it is far more than she spends on the children. She never does anything with them, all they do is sit in her flat. She never buys them anything (all she has bought them in the last 3 years is a pair of Primark tights each!). At birthdays and Christmas he ends up buying them presents and giving them to her to give to them, as he knows they wouldn’t get anything otherwise because she would plead poverty.

So, the problem is this….. we are considering moving in together next year. At the moment he lives in a flat which is a bit far out from the girls school / friends. I also live in a small flat. If we pooled our resources we could afford a nicer, larger house in a better area, where the girls could have their own rooms etc BUT if we did and combined our incomes, his tax credits would stop. I have no problems with my money becoming his and his becoming mine and using this to support the kids as they are cracking girls and I want us all to have a future together. What I do have a problem with is, to put it bluntly, using our potential joint income to fund his nasty ex, because she can’t be bothered to work.

We have discussed it and he agrees with me but the 2 main outcomes would be one, she will totally kick off and I mean TOTALLY! And guess who’s fault it will be?
And secondly, yes, she prob won’t be able to afford to look after the girls 3 nights a week if the only income she has is housing benefit and JSA! Can I really sit back and watch this happen, or should we agree to give her £x a week, so the kids can stay there?

We aren’t flush ourselves but hope to maintain a reasonably OK lifestyle for the kids, ie keep paying for their dance classes three times a week and an annual holiday. I don’t want the kids not to be able to stay with their Mum 3 nights a week, but should we really subsidise her to take care of her own kids because she won’t get a job? I feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place here. If she was civil, did the best she could for her kids all of the time and was really making an effort to find work, then maybe I would feel slightly different, but she doesn’t so I don’t! But then again, it’s not fair the kids should suffer!

Also, before anyone asks, I have discussed this with my OH in principle, but I’m just looking for some other viewpoints on how to tackle this situation before it becomes a reality and we need to deal with it head on.

Thanks in advance.

As ClearingOut has said so well your boyfriends ex wife and mother of his children she should be aplauded for trying to overcome her addiction. Did it cross your mind that you are the other women, ie the third party in this dispute and should remember your place.

Maybe this woman struggled to keep her family together and through no fault of her own - it fell apart.:cool:

Stop putting her down and concentrate on how you're going to help these kids have the best opportunies in life.

You'll just have to go with cut in CTC, it really is peripheral to the wider issues you have.

19lottie82

Boots888 wrote: »

Maybe this woman struggled to keep her family together and through no fault of her own - it fell apart.:cool:

Did you read the second paragraph of my OP?

Boots888 wrote: »

You'll just have to go with cut in CTC,.

Or the start of post #42?

Boots888 wrote: »

concentrate on how you're going to help these kids have the best opportunies in life.

That is my main objective.

Boots888

19lottie82 wrote: »

Did you read the second paragraph of my OP?
Yep!


Or the start of post #42?
Can't see why she shouldn't have residency, she's a recovered addict and their Mother - afterall you and the father seem quite unhappy - what amounts to - a small amount of benefits / tax credits.


That is my main objective.

Good! Good! Get on with it - Children that age only need small adjustments, mostly love and reassurance - they don't need to worry about you losing benefits or tax credits!!

I think you need to realise you've taken on a big responsibilty here, accept it and try and build a constructive relationship with this lady, she will always be in your life, (that's if your relationship with him lasts longer than his with hers);)

19lottie82

Boots888 wrote: »

Good! Good! Get on with it - Children that age only need small adjustments, mostly love and reassurance - they don't need to worry about you losing benefits or tax credits!!

I think you need to realise you've taken on a big responsibilty here, accept it and try and build a constructive relationship with this lady, she will always be in your life, (that's if your relationship with him lasts longer than his with hers);)

I'm not worried about my OH losing benefits or tax credits, and I am more than willing to contribute towards what they do need above (and including ) love and reassurance, which from what I have seen is quite a lot actually, should their father and I decide to take the leap to live together F/T.

And I am more than aware of the responsibilites involved, thank you, despite what you have obviously decided about me.

CKhalvashi

19lottie82 wrote: »

There is no one else that can do it.

My OH bought her a car so she could pick the kids up from school and drop them off in the morning when she had them, to save her and the kids having to get 2 buses each way. And also because he thought it might help her get back on her feet a bit.

I'm not denying her cash to look after the kids, feed them and entertain them. I would never do that.

I appreciate the fact that she is volunteering and trying to get back in to the working world but as I have already said she refuses to lower her expectations of what jobs she would find acceptable. She is simply not being realistic, and until she becomes so, then I very much she will find work.

I'm all for things like this, as it shows me to have some faith in humanity!

The difficult thing here is over money, and when there are children involved, that should not be the case. I have a friend (taxi driver) who at one point was working 16 hours a day, 7 days a week to be able to keep his family in a home, as he felt it was his fault for walking out with another woman, but he was certainly in no position of being forced to do it (this was about 15 years ago).

At the same time, I get annoyed with PWCs/NRPs who do nothing about a situation and let the kids suffer.

In short, paying for some bits and pieces with a nominal allowance for her each week (say, £20 a night she has the girls; so £60 a week), helping her back onto her feet and encouraging her into work and back into her childrens lives is in the interests of both yourselves and the children IMO.

Over such small (in relative terms) sums of money, surely it's best for everyone!

CK

Boots888

19lottie82 wrote: »

I'm not worried about my OH losing benefits or tax credits, and I am more than willing to contribute towards what they do need above (and including ) love and reassurance, which from what I have seen is quite a lot actually, should their father and I decide to take the leap to live together F/T.

And I am more than aware of the responsibilites involved, thank you, despite what you have obviously decided about me.

Don't take it too personally - you can't post all the in's and out's of the situation - so nobody, including myself, can judge you.

I will just post on what I have read and don't mean to offend. Just that sometimes we can all get dogged down by silly things that don't really matter and we miss the bigger picture.

I have to remind myself of that fact, and quite often!!

19lottie82

CKhalvashi wrote: »

In short, paying for some bits and pieces with a nominal allowance for her each week (say, £20 a night she has the girls; so £60 a week), helping her back onto her feet and encouraging her into work and back into her childrens lives is in the interests of both yourselves and the children IMO.

IMO this is what I would also view as fair, and in the best interests of the kids, rather than her own. At the moment my OH does get the tax credits, so the allowance he gives her is his decision and has nothing to do with me. BUT if we do become one financial unit, these tax credits will dissappear and be made up by my income. Again, I have no problem pooling my income to provide towards expenses for the girls and a family home (in fact, it would be my pleasure), and a reasonable amount, such as the above, so the kids can continue spending time with their mother, in comfort. What I would have a problem with is contributing to providing her with almost double that amount ( which is currently the case), so she can visit hairdressers that charge £90 a pop, every 8 weeks, especially when this cash could be used to provide a better life for the kids, in the form of a better home, nearer their school and nearer their friends.

My OH knows that he is giving her far over what she needs to support the kids when they stay, but he just doesn't want to "rock the boat" at the moment, because this in turn, will have a negative effect on the kids, when she kicks off.
I will check the thread later whilst wearing my "tin hat"!

19lottie82

Boots888 wrote: »

Don't take it too personally - you can't post all the in's and out's of the situation - so nobody, including myself, can judge you.

I will just post on what I have read and don't mean to offend. Just that sometimes we can all get dogged down by silly things that don't really matter and we miss the bigger picture.

I have to remind myself of that fact, and quite often!!

Thanks very much Boots, I really appreciate that.

I know a lot of other posters on here are quick to judge me (and others who post too) and it really hurts when people accuse me of not having the kids best interests at heart. I love them to bits and want to see them have the best life possible (and before anyone jumps in, I don't want to cut their mother out and become "their mum"). It's just frustrating to see my OH taken advantage of financially, when he works so hard to be a good dad and provide for his kids, either directly, or in directly.

Boots888

19lottie82 wrote: »

Thanks very much Boots, I really appreciate that.

I know a lot of other posters on here are quick to judge me and it really hurts when people accuse me of not having the kids best interests at heart. I love them to bits and want to see them have the best life possible (and before anyone jumps in, I don't want to cut their mother out and become "their mum"). It's just frustrating to see my OH taken advantage of financially, when he works so hard to be a good dad and provide for his kids, either directly, or in directly.

I can understand you fear how this will impact on your future with him, specially as you want to move on with your relationship and move in together.

What you cannot and must not do is involve yourself with the dynamics of this former relationship and the kids that come with it.

Take some perspective of this situation, only time can help you there which you don't have now.

So sign off and come back in a few days and re-read the thread. You'll see your situation in a different light altogether and realise that trying not to burn the fishfingers is of far greater importance!!:rotfl:

sharrison778

Fire_Fox wrote: »

I think some people are being very unfair to 19Lottie82. Much of her posts can be read as frustration, annoyance, defending herself and her partner; aggression/ bitter/ twisted/ despising are very strong words when we can't see her face nor hear the tone in her voice. It is possible to want to separate/ distance oneself and ones finances without secretly wanted to separate the children from their mother, looking for a practical solution was what I read in the OP! I applaud the mother for getting off the alcohol but the reality is addicts can be extremely difficult and extremely selfish.

I've not read every single reply but I agree with the sentiment above. Its very easy to interpret words on a computer screen in a variety of different ways. Frustration can sound like aggression etc.

Also, I agree that there is a big different between wanting to keep the kids from their mother versus wanting a decent financial arrangement.

Being the new partner isnt easy. My partner is currently going through a final financial break with his wife and it annoys me that the Courts count my income in that - in that they consider that I can help support him and therefore his wife will get a bigger slice of the pie. How is that fair?

I dont know the UK system so I wont comment on tax credits etc but I just think the OP should be given credit for dealing with a rotten situation to the best of her ability. She came her looking for help - how about we focus on giving that to her?