Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

19lottie82

Letting her sign up for the child benefit / TC’s would be the ideal situation, if it wasn’t for her past. As I have explained, for her to do this, she would need to legally be the “resident parent” and this just isn’t an option. Although I applaud her for not drinking for 9 months, and she is doing well at the moment, we certainly can’t take it for granted that she won’t have a relapse. Previously, when she has been drinking she has made threats to take the kids away, turned up at their school and various other locations. At the moment she can’t collect them from their without my OH’s permission, but if she was the RP on paper, she could do whatever she wanted. Hence why my OH isn’t prepared to give her those rights and put his DD’s safety at risk, I’m sure that is understandable.

I know my OH does tip toe round her by buying her b’day / xmas presents to give to the kids BUT I do understand his reasoning for this. They’ve had such a hard time in their short lives already, and he doesn’t want them to be let down / upset again (prob the main reason why he panders her in many ways) , if he can help it. I know it’s a bit of a Catch 22 which isn’t helping anyone in the long run but for a Dad to have the choice of taking the sensible approach of nipping it in the bud now, or seeing tears role down his daughters face on Christmas morning, well, I’m not saying he is making the right choice but I can understand……..

I also agree that there should be a formal financial agreement regarding money for her to look after the kids while she has them, (as long as she remains out of work), but my OH is reluctant to get lawyers involved as he doesn’t want her kicking off, as she has done in the past.

I’m a bit miffed about everyone who has come storming in here suggesting that I want her out of the picture so I can “take over” the role of a mother to the kids. Not the case at all. I want nothing more than them to have a healthy and happy relationship with their Mother. Although I love them to bits I know I’m not their Mum and never will be.

Bluemeanie_2

FatVonD wrote: »

Handing over a percentage of the child benefit and child tax credit is not 'subsidising' the mother, if she has the children 40% (or thereabouts) of the time then she is entitled to 40% (or thereabouts) of the child benefit and child tax credits, they are the amounts that it is deemed that people on low incomes need to provide for their children.

The mother is in receipt of benefits for a single person which are just that, (barely) enough for one person to live and she shouldn't be expected to feed 2 extra mouths for nearly half of the week on it.

The child tax credit element is about to get stopped(?) as your standard of living is about to get better so you're expecting hers to get worse, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yet again another 'new' woman (who isn't even living with the father yet!) is attempting to meddle in the arrangements between the bloke and his ex.

Oh and for the record... not every penny of the child benefit I receive for my son turns into food on his plate or clothes on his back (shock, horror!) Some of it turns into things like a table and chairs to eat his dinner from or cranking the heating up a notch.

This is the situation Hubby and I are in. We have the kids for 4 days and 3 nights, but he still has to give her maintenance and she keeps 100% of the CB and TC. Seems a different attitude when it is the female who the NRP!

olibrofiz

Lottie, I can see where you're coming from and tbh thought some posts were a little harsh.

An idle idea but could you not work out how much maintenance your OH would have to pay if the girls were with their mum full time, and give her 40% of that. Just write it off, in your mind, as something he is duty bound to pay, which really, he is. Put it all in a letter, all the workings out, and the expectations from that payment (ie: presents, etc) and give it to the ex. And explain this to the girls.

My DD always had two christmasses, and birthday days - she got presents from me, and presents when she went to her dads. There was no 'this one's from your dad'. We also shared extra costs in that he would deduct the price of new shoes from maintenance - but would also give me extra for uniform etc.

Good luck, quite a few rocky years still ahead.

19lottie82

olibrofiz wrote: »

An idle idea but could you not work out how much maintenance your OH would have to pay if the girls were with their mum full time, and give her 40% of that. Just write it off, in your mind, as something he is duty bound to pay, which really, he is. Put it all in a letter, all the workings out, and the expectations from that payment (ie: presents, etc) and give it to the ex. And explain this to the girls.

that's a really good idea. i will keep it in mind and suggest it to my OH if / when the time comes. Thank you.

shegirl

Lottie,you have to decide which way to do it.This thread was asking about whether you should subsidise or not but you agree some money is necessary.So that amount needs to be agreed and you need to decide the best way to do it.

Your OH may be seen as a numpty for providing as he has but what he's actually doing is facilitating contact between the children and their mother- that is great.He clearly knows JSA isn't going to help her feed the kids much let alone do anything with then (that involved expense.Yep,kids come first buy her income won't make it easy,so he's done what he can to ensure she can have the kids those three days.I also understand about the presents (I've done it myself before-bought and wrapped presents the gave then to his daddy give him).

You won't let her claim the benefits for one child to reduce costs to yourselves so are you going to continue with cash?Vouchers?Offer to do a bit of shopping and drop it off with them?

You need to be able to accept and live with what your OH decides to do,if you both end up at war over it it won't be easy!

You also need to be aware that if anything stops or reduces she may get rather barked and further problems may occur and she may well blame you for that.So be prepared-forewarned is forearmed,as they say!It will never be easy and any bad feeling you have isn't surprising,but your OH made a choice and you need to work with that on a level.He's put the past behind for the sake of his kids,he's a good dad!

When it is worked out what will be done,make sure she knows in advance,you don't want the effects of it suddenly being dropped on her!And for gods sake,don't do daft things like buying cars!just give the basic support until she can support herself and the kids.

And,yes,as I stated last night (some posts seem to be missing) I would say the same if it was the other way round.A parent has decided the other is fit to have the kids 3 nights a week and financially isn't able to support that properly.Thr parent who assists for the sake of the kids is a good parent!

19lottie82

Thanks Shegirl, and yes my OH is a great dad. He has had it so tough over the last 3.5 years, but he very rarely lets his smile drop when the kids are there.

I wish we could just let her claim for the benefits if the situation changes and my OH won't get them any more, it would sure be a lot simpler and make life a lot easier for all involved, but as I have explained that isn't really an option. I'm sure most people will understand that.

shegirl

19lottie82 wrote: »

Thanks Shegirl, and yes my OH is a great dad. He has had it so tough over the last 3.5 years, but he very rarely lets his smile drop when the kids are there.

I wish we could just let her claim for the benefits if the situation changes and my OH won't get them any more, it would sure be a lot simpler and make life a lot easier for all involved, but as I have explained that isn't really an option. I'm sure most people will understand that.

Is there any chance she'd be reasonable about it?If she claimed maintenance,due to reductions and him also being able to claim it may be much smaller an amount than he normally gives her.Or is it concerns that she'll use them as proof of residency for other things?

A single dad friend of mine has an ex that was selfish and awful.He has both kids but since she's been having contact has allowed her to claim for one so she has money to provide when she has them.The sad thing there is he'd been a stay at home dad too while trying to get back into work but he wanted to give his kids the best with both parents.He's quite a gem It worked well for them and they both claim maintenance from each other.Sounds a mess in one way but something was needed!


Another thing-is she renting and how many bedrooms does she have?With the new bedroom tax coming in next year she may struggle more so be aware that either she may ask for more money or she may struggle more (so maybe offering to do a but of shopping may be better?)

Whatever you decide to do you need to try and keep it friendly for Everyone's sake!

19lottie82

shegirl wrote: »

IsOr is it concerns that she'll use them as proof of residency for other things?

Shegirl, explained at the top of #42.

shegirl wrote: »

Another thing-is she renting and how many bedrooms does she have?With the new bedroom tax coming in next year she may struggle more so be aware that either she may ask for more money or she may struggle more (so maybe offering to do a but of shopping may be better?)

Luckily she is over 35 and her flat is quite cheap so the 1 bed LHA amount covers her 2 bed.

jungle_jane

Bluemeanie wrote: »

This is the situation Hubby and I are in. We have the kids for 4 days and 3 nights, but he still has to give her maintenance and she keeps 100% of the CB and TC.

Same here, Bluemeanie. We also have them 100% of holidays and buy clothes, bus passes, school uniforms, pocket money etc. And I also have an OH who hasn't been earning income for the past 9 months. It's very exhausting financially. As with the OP we also suffer the bad mouthing, the rants and tirades - all we do is hope that by being level and consistent we will be giving the children the best chance possible in the circumstances of enjoying their childhood.

euronorris

19lottie82 wrote: »

I know my OH does tip toe round her by buying her b’day / xmas presents to give to the kids BUT I do understand his reasoning for this. They’ve had such a hard time in their short lives already, and he doesn’t want them to be let down / upset again (prob the main reason why he panders her in many ways) , if he can help it. I know it’s a bit of a Catch 22 which isn’t helping anyone in the long run but for a Dad to have the choice of taking the sensible approach of nipping it in the bud now, or seeing tears role down his daughters face on Christmas morning, well, I’m not saying he is making the right choice but I can understand……..

When does he plan to stop doing this? When they're 16....18....21? And how upset will they be when they find out, that all previous presents from her, weren't actually from her? All at once? Is that really better than letting them deal with it, one a time?

I just wonder if he would be better off stopping this now, and perhaps having something else planned for the kids when they become upset? Like a small extra gift, but from Dad, or going out somewhere, or having all their favourite Christmas movies lined up and ready to play etc? You get the picture, something that says 'I know you're upset, and I know why, and I'm here for you - always.'. More than anything, they just need to know that Dad will always be the stable force, the one to wipe away their tears, and provide a solid home base.

I wish I could offer advice for the rest of it, but I can't. I don't envy your position, and I can see how frustrating it must be. All I can do is to suggest trying mediation to negotiate such things?