Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

clearingout

I'll tell you the same as you would have been told if you'd been the (female) PWC sharing care on a 3/4 basis with the (male) NRP. There are two children. Stop controlling her and sign over the child benefit for one child to her. She will then receive child benefit and tax credit for one of the children - this would be reasonable as she has them almost half the time. In doing this, make it very clear that she will need to contribute to costs such as haircuts, shoes, school uniform and that if she doesn't, you will seek the return of the child benefit on teh grounds that your partner is PWC as he has the child more often than she does.

I would then seriously stop trying to second guess a woman who's life you know nothing about. Stop judging her. If she's an alcoholic who has managed to stop drinking for 9 months to the point she is able to volunteer for 12 hours a week, then that is something to be applauded. It is not something to make sarcastic comments about. Plenty of people are struggling today to find work - people who don't have a 4 year gap in their CV and the word 'alcoholic' plastered across their forehead. At least she is doing something to try and fill that gap - so she is trying, isn't she, rather than just sitting there and doing nothing and feeling sorry for herself? That is positive.

It is hard entertaining children when you have no money. I suggest you try it and then come back here and let us know how you get on. Yes, of course, she could do visits to the park or picnics or attend other free events that have no doubt been on in your area over the summer. Then factor in the travel costs, the ice cream van etc. etc. and you will realise that it's not 'free'. Even £5 out of a tight budget once a week can have a devestating affect on the ability paying essential bills. AS someone who has had to make the choice between paying debts or taking the children on an outing, I can assure you it hurts like hell - but better the children learn money doesn't grow on trees and don't have to experience bailiffs knocking on the door (which you would no doubt consider unacceptable?).

Bad mouthing you to the children is unacceptable. Unfortunately, it is something that many of us who manage separated parenting have to put up with. You grow a thick skin. You sit on the moral highground. And you wait for things to play themselves out. It shouldn't have to be like that, I agree, but it frequently is and people don't get on after separation and divorce. You are no better than she is if you are unable to see a positive side to this situation and see the positives in children having a relationship with their mother - you have said quite clearly that the children want to see her. This is very positive and would suggest that she is less rude about you and their father in their precence than perhaps you want to believe. Children who are routinely subjected to such abuse will eventually attempt to withdraw from the situation - you would have major problems with handovers, tears, screaming, behaviour issues in school, bed wetting......list is endless in terms of how this kind of distress could play itself out.

As for you have what she wants...I doubt it. I know a lot of people struggle to come to terms with the end of their relationships but this is a complex situation in that her own actions have caused her to miss out on her children growing up. You were there instead of her at some level. Of course she's going to hate you - you appear to be everything that she has struggled to be but would perhaps want to be. She needs to be given a break instead and you and your partner would do well to consider what it must be like to walk in her shoes for a few days. Treat her with respect and a bit of dignity and she might surprise you with how she responds - granted, it'll take time, but that's where you sit yourself on that moral highground and wait. I am 4 years post-separation and I can honestly say that whilst my ex is an idiot, I have learnt not to rise to it and keep my mouth shut (something I wasn't good at in the early days). I have learnt how not to stress out either myself or the children. I intend to bide my time over everything else because when it comes down to it, in the years to come when the children judge our parenting ('cos they will!), it isn't me who 's going to have to explain myself.

NewKittenHelp

clearingout wrote: »

I'll tell you the same as you would have been told if you'd been the (female) PWC sharing care on a 3/4 basis with the (male) NRP. There are two children. Stop controlling her and sign over the child benefit for one child to her. She will then receive child benefit and tax credit for one of the children - this would be reasonable as she has them almost half the time. In doing this, make it very clear that she will need to contribute to costs such as haircuts, shoes, school uniform and that if she doesn't, you will seek the return of the child benefit on teh grounds that your partner is PWC as he has the child more often than she does.

I would then seriously stop trying to second guess a woman who's life you know nothing about. Stop judging her. If she's an alcoholic who has managed to stop drinking for 9 months to the point she is able to volunteer for 12 hours a week, then that is something to be applauded. It is not something to make sarcastic comments about. Plenty of people are struggling today to find work - people who don't have a 4 year gap in their CV and the word 'alcoholic' plastered across their forehead. At least she is doing something to try and fill that gap - so she is trying, isn't she, rather than just sitting there and doing nothing and feeling sorry for herself? That is positive.

It is hard entertaining children when you have no money. I suggest you try it and then come back here and let us know how you get on. Yes, of course, she could do visits to the park or picnics or attend other free events that have no doubt been on in your area over the summer. Then factor in the travel costs, the ice cream van etc. etc. and you will realise that it's not 'free'. Even £5 out of a tight budget once a week can have a devestating affect on the ability paying essential bills. AS someone who has had to make the choice between paying debts or taking the children on an outing, I can assure you it hurts like hell - but better the children learn money doesn't grow on trees and don't have to experience bailiffs knocking on the door (which you would no doubt consider unacceptable?).

Bad mouthing you to the children is unacceptable. Unfortunately, it is something that many of us who manage separated parenting have to put up with. You grow a thick skin. You sit on the moral highground. And you wait for things to play themselves out. It shouldn't have to be like that, I agree, but it frequently is and people don't get on after separation and divorce. You are no better than she is if you are unable to see a positive side to this situation and see the positives in children having a relationship with their mother - you have said quite clearly that the children want to see her. This is very positive and would suggest that she is less rude about you and their father in their precence than perhaps you want to believe. Children who are routinely subjected to such abuse will eventually attempt to withdraw from the situation - you would have major problems with handovers, tears, screaming, behaviour issues in school, bed wetting......list is endless in terms of how this kind of distress could play itself out.

As for you have what she wants...I doubt it. I know a lot of people struggle to come to terms with the end of their relationships but this is a complex situation in that her own actions have caused her to miss out on her children growing up. You were there instead of her at some level. Of course she's going to hate you - you appear to be everything that she has struggled to be but would perhaps want to be. She needs to be given a break instead and you and your partner would do well to consider what it must be like to walk in her shoes for a few days. Treat her with respect and a bit of dignity and she might surprise you with how she responds - granted, it'll take time, but that's where you sit yourself on that moral highground and wait. I am 4 years post-separation and I can honestly say that whilst my ex is an idiot, I have learnt not to rise to it and keep my mouth shut (something I wasn't good at in the early days). I have learnt how not to stress out either myself or the children. I intend to bide my time over everything else because when it comes down to it, in the years to come when the children judge our parenting ('cos they will!), it isn't me who 's going to have to explain myself.

This is a very stupid thing to do - she would then be able to go after 15% of his income.

clearingout

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

This is a very stupid thing to do - she would then be able to go after 15% of his income.

and he in turn would be able to go after 15% of hers (assuming she gets back to work at some point). Maybe giving the woman the benefit of the doubt would help enormously in keeping her away from alcohol and on with the rest of her life.

FatVonD

Handing over a percentage of the child benefit and child tax credit is not 'subsidising' the mother, if she has the children 40% (or thereabouts) of the time then she is entitled to 40% (or thereabouts) of the child benefit and child tax credits, they are the amounts that it is deemed that people on low incomes need to provide for their children.

The mother is in receipt of benefits for a single person which are just that, (barely) enough for one person to live and she shouldn't be expected to feed 2 extra mouths for nearly half of the week on it.

The child tax credit element is about to get stopped(?) as your standard of living is about to get better so you're expecting hers to get worse, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yet again another 'new' woman (who isn't even living with the father yet!) is attempting to meddle in the arrangements between the bloke and his ex.

Oh and for the record... not every penny of the child benefit I receive for my son turns into food on his plate or clothes on his back (shock, horror!) Some of it turns into things like a table and chairs to eat his dinner from or cranking the heating up a notch.

19lottie82

clearingout wrote: »

I'll tell you the same as you would have been told if you'd been the (female) PWC sharing care on a 3/4 basis with the (male) NRP. There are two children. Stop controlling her and sign over the child benefit for one child to her. She will then receive child benefit and tax credit for one of the children - this would be reasonable as she has them almost half the time. In doing this, make it very clear that she will need to contribute to costs such as haircuts, shoes, school uniform and that if she doesn't, you will seek the return of the child benefit on teh grounds that your partner is PWC as he has the child more often than she does.

Not a chance in hell. For this to happen she would need to be the "resident" parent for one of the girls. If this wise for someone who has only been off the drink for 9 months, following a 6 year spate of chronic alcoholism? Nope.

This is one thing my OH would never, ever let happen for the sole reason that if she does turn to the booze again. He is the girls guardian, as previously she has turned up at the girls school, blind drunk, trying to take them out of class.

clearingout wrote: »

I would then seriously stop trying to second guess a woman who's life you know nothing about. Stop judging her.

Stop trying to second guess a woman I know nothing about? Well I know that when my OH first put in the claim for tax credits, it turned out that she had been claiming them, saying the kids lived with her (they didn't, in fact she hardly saw them at all) and putting the money in her pocket. This happened for a whole year and she didn't tell my OH or offer him a penny of it.

And how about the fact that3 months ago my OH bought her a car so she could have a bit more of a life and also pick up the kids instead of using the bus. Guess what she did? She sold it, so she could go on a hen weekend.

I could go on and on.....

Also, how about the number of times I've heard those kids sobbing in their beds at night because she let them down AGAIN. So do not tell me I know nothing about the situation. I know plenty, so I suggest you should stop judging me!

clearingout wrote: »

I


She needs to be given a break instead and you and your partner would do well to consider what it must be like to walk in her shoes for a few days.

She has been given plenty of breaks, trust me. And every single one gets thrown back in my OH's face.

He tells her time after time he doesn't want to fight and can they be civil for the sake of the kids, but she continues to screech and shout at him in front of the kids about 75% of the time when he drops them off.

19lottie82

clearingout wrote: »

. Maybe giving the woman the benefit of the doubt would help enormously in keeping her away from alcohol and on with the rest of her life.

Again, she has been given this time after time, and sadly, it doesn't work!

shegirl

I'm sorry,but if she's truly that bad why have all the arrangements you do?Why 3 days a week?Why not have someone else do handover?

Why did your OH buy her a car???

It's only fair and right that she is given something to provide for the kids when she has them.It would be an enormous struggle on JSA and the last thing anyone needs is her spiralling downhill due to the struggle and feeling even worse.You know where that could lead.

She's clearly trying to turn her life around and her voluntary working shows that she's doing something worthwhile and trying to get back into the working world.

19lottie82

FatVonD wrote: »

The child tax credit element is about to get stopped(?) as your standard of living is about to get better so you're expecting hers to get worse, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yet again another 'new' woman (who isn't even living with the father yet!) is attempting to meddle in the arrangements between the bloke and his ex.

Did you miss the part where I told you she gets far more than it costs to look after 2 kids for 3 days a week?
She buys those kids nothing. She openly refers to the TC's as "her money". She buys a hell of a lot of new clothes and goes on a lot more nights out than JSA would fund, trust me.


I don't think I'm the one that should be ashamed of myself. That money isn't there to maintain "her" standard of living, the clue is in the name CHILD tax credits.

I'm not going to be ashamed of myself for wanting to give the kids a better standard of living, at the expense of her social life.

And for the record, I'm not "another new woman". I have been in those kids life a lot more than she has in the last 2.5 years. Maybe you have an ex whose partner you don't get along with, but please don't tar me with the same brush, you know nothing about me.

19lottie82

shegirl wrote: »

I'm sorry,but if she's truly that bad why have all the arrangements you do?Why 3 days a week?Why not have someone else do handover?

Why did your OH buy her a car???

It's only fair and right that she is given something to provide for the kids when she has them.It would be an enormous struggle on JSA and the last thing anyone needs is her spiralling downhill due to the struggle and feeling even worse.You know where that could lead.

She's clearly trying to turn her life around and her voluntary working shows that she's doing something worthwhile and trying to get back into the working world.

There is no one else that can do it.

My OH bought her a car so she could pick the kids up from school and drop them off in the morning when she had them, to save her and the kids having to get 2 buses each way. And also because he thought it might help her get back on her feet a bit.

I'm not denying her cash to look after the kids, feed them and entertain them. I would never do that.

I appreciate the fact that she is volunteering and trying to get back in to the working world but as I have already said she refuses to lower her expectations of what jobs she would find acceptable. She is simply not being realistic, and until she becomes so, then I very much she will find work.

marisco_2

19lottie82 wrote: »

Stop trying to second guess a woman I know nothing about? Well I know that when my OH first put in the claim for tax credits, it turned out that she had been claiming them, saying the kids lived with her (they didn't, in fact she hardly saw them at all) and putting the money in her pocket. This happened for a whole year and she didn't tell my OH or offer him a penny of it.

And how about the fact that3 months ago my OH bought her a car so she could have a bit more of a life and also pick up the kids instead of using the bus. Guess what she did? She sold it, so she could go on a hen weekend.

I could go on and on.....

Also, how about the number of times I've heard those kids sobbing in their beds at night because she let them down AGAIN. So do not tell me I know nothing about the situation. I know plenty, so I suggest you should stop judging me!

I was going to offer some advice on this thread but your tone has completely put me off. You come across as aggressive and extremely bitter and twisted over this woman. Maybe you have good reason to be, however being like this towards people on a public forum who are trying to show you things from different perspectives is not helpful.

You may not bad mouth their mother to the girls but you can bet a pound to a penny that they know instinctively how much you despise her. That is a terrible burden for children to carry around with them.