Should I help my OH subsidise his nasty ex so the kids can see their Mum?

Fire_Fox

I think some people are being very unfair to 19Lottie82. Much of her posts can be read as frustration, annoyance, defending herself and her partner; aggression/ bitter/ twisted/ despising are very strong words when we can't see her face nor hear the tone in her voice. It is possible to want to separate/ distance oneself and ones finances without secretly wanted to separate the children from their mother, looking for a practical solution was what I read in the OP! I applaud the mother for getting off the alcohol but the reality is addicts can be extremely difficult and extremely selfish.

FBaby

I don't think there is any doubt that she is not what would be describe as a good mum BUT she is, always will be and clearly rants to be their mum and that is something you will need to accept. Out can be very tough so you need to be prepared for it. My OH financially contributes towards my kids a lot more than their own dad. He its also in many ways more dedicated to them but in my kids eyes their dad its their dad. They are close to my partner but he is not the one getting fathers day cards. It might come one day but not the case yet. He takes it all in his stride because he doesn't expect them to treat him like a dad. He files enjoy their company and is attached to them and that is enough but that takes a lot of strength of character.

The answer to your query its simple and like many has suggested all he would need to do is give 40% of the child benefit. as long as everything else is paid by their dad, school costs, clothes, presents to friends, activities and the rest than that should be more than enough.

What your should be asking yourself though is whether you are ready to financially contribute towards children who are not yours, which most likely will mean you having to make sacrifices yet accepting that you can't expect them to love you or consider you as their mum. They might do one day but you can't expect it.

Erinnire

Wow some people are being really harsh to the OP.

I dont think her posts seem bitter or twisted. It's bloody hard being the "partner" when things are messy and theres not much if anything you can do..

I think you need to have a really big talk about it with your partner Lottie and see where you both go from here.

elsien

I think that regardless of how you agree to sort out the daily finances, your OH should stop enabling some of her behaviours, such as buying Christmas presents for her so she can pretend she's bought them.
I've picked up new stuff at car boots and charity shops for presents when I've been skint, or made things. If she can't make the effort then I think the children need to see that. It's not about slagging her off, but it's about her taking responsibility and people not covering for her. And if that impacts on her relationship with the children then that's her choice to make. The children are old enough to start to understand that.

clearingout

19lottie82 wrote: »

For anyone that is against my negative viewpoint of her.... I would be willing to bet everything I own that if you could see the devastation that she has caused, her utter selfishness and the fact that she had never once put her kids needs before her own and her total in repentedness for any of it (even now), all of you would feel EXACTLY the same.

but this is alcoholism, isn't it? it is largely accepted that this kind of behaviour goes hand in hand with alcoholism and other addictions generally. She is no longer alcoholic - she is struggling to get back on her feet. The selling the car sounds like a daft thing to have done but apart from that, there is nothing in what you have said that suggests to me that she isn't trying to work things out for the better.

clearingout

19lottie82 wrote: »

I appreciate the fact that she is volunteering and trying to get back in to the working world but as I have already said she refuses to lower her expectations of what jobs she would find acceptable. She is simply not being realistic, and until she becomes so, then I very much she will find work.

how do you know? how do you know she sold the car to go on a hen night? because she told you? cos she wrote it on Facebook? cos her sister's best friend told you?

Let me give you an example of cross communication between exes. Right at this moment I am on a French course as part of my professional development. It lasts for 2 weeks and will finish on Friday. I asked my ex to have the children 'whilst I take a French course'. At the moment I'm sitting in my front room 'cos we had the weekend off so I drove home on Friday night and will go back tomorrow and will reside at the university until Friday. My ex, two days before I was due to start the course, asked me how I was getting to the airport. I didn't understand what he meant at that moment so just smiled and nodded and said it was all fine. It was only several hours later that I realised he had assumed I was doing a French course in France and would therefore be going to the airport. I haven't corrected him as I see no reason to - I don't have any need to make small talk with him and he doesn't need to know where I am (we have previous stalking issues). I have been out and about this weekend.

what might happen if he's seen me around this weekend? is it not possible his girlfriend will be posting on forums about what a dreadful mum I am for leaving my children to sit in my house for 2 weeks? might they say I'm a bad mum? call me a liar? assume I'm spending some time walled up with my latest fella?! suggest I'm a bad parent for affording holidays on my own and not taking my lovely children who I sent to their dad's house in odd socks?!

I am being flippant but hopefully I've made the point that what you think you're seeing isn't necessarily how things are.... and just 'cos the ex says something doesn't mean she's telling the truth....:rotfl:

daska

clearingout wrote: »

but this is alcoholism, isn't it? it is largely accepted that this kind of behaviour goes hand in hand with alcoholism and other addictions generally. She is no longer alcoholic - she is struggling to get back on her feet. The selling the car sounds like a daft thing to have done but apart from that, there is nothing in what you have said that suggests to me that she isn't trying to work things out for the better.

Yep, and unfortunately it doesn't appear to improve in line with the reduction of alcohol consumed, if anything it can get worse as when they're sober they get more capable of distorting the truth for their own benefit. :mad:

OP, Elsien makes a good point, your OH is enabling her bad behaviour and he really needs to butt out of their relationship. He shouldn't be buying gifts for her to give to them, or making excuses for her, all he's doing is putting off the inevitable - which is them working out exactly what weight of clay their parent's feet are made of. She's sober now, he needs to give her warning that he's not going to sort out Xmas/ Birthday/ Other cards or gifts. Then it's up to her.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Why buy a car for someone who legally couldn't drive? Someone treated for alcoholism has to surrender their licence. So a car would have been useless at best, a way of getting her into jail at worst.

Seanymph

If he continues to subsidise her then he continues to facilitate her life choices.

If they are choices you, as a couple, don't agree with (not working) then why support them?

She is an adult - she is no longer his problem.

You can only take responsibility for the children when they are in your (joint) home, and your (joint) care - you cannot be responsible when they are in her care too - and you cannot financially support two houses.

Would I give her money?

Nope, not a bean.

daska

Seanymph wrote: »

If he continues to subsidise her then he continues to facilitate her life choices.

If they are choices you, as a couple, don't agree with (not working) then why support them?

She is an adult - she is no longer his problem.

You can only take responsibility for the children when they are in your (joint) home, and your (joint) care - you cannot be responsible when they are in her care too - and you cannot financially support two houses.

Would I give her money?

Nope, not a bean.

Problem is that ex/alcoholic ex-partners can be seriously unpleasant and difficult. It's one thing when they're a few hundred miles away :j but quite another when you have to deal with them in person several times a week :mad:.

I do think I'd be taking a tougher line about the 'incidentals' but I'm not sure it's worth causing a problem by changing the financial arrangement.