Why are men cruel? My experience so far...

tenke

Edwardia wrote: »

As you put it, you're back on the market but you don't need to get into a binding contract with the first man who looks round the property and shows an interest.

Haha , that was a funny metaphor !!!:rotfl:

You reminded me of a History teacher I used to have in High School, whenever she wanted us to make presentations about a certain topic, we would all raise hands and jump on the 1st topic, because with History you never know what worst topic could left till the end..:eek:
Seeing this, she used to say: Come on, now don't get drunk on the first pub !!! lol :rotfl::rotfl:

mikey72

tenke wrote: »

......I do come from another culture, Im no English and maybe that may influence how I view things............

No offense, and if you decline to answer fair enough, but as you've picqued my curiousity now, and it' not just women are from venus, men are from mars, what culture are you from?

OptimusNemesis

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a couple of bad experiences but unfortunately that is part and parcel of the dating process. It isn't just guys that behave that way, believe me. I've had some pretty bad experiences from dating and - when I first got back into this after breaking up from someone I'd been with for about 7 years - I was quite shocked at just how rude people can come across with these things.

Having said that, both of your experiences sound pretty mild - I'm afraid people do flake on you all the time with these things, as in they'll just suddenly disappear. I've had some great dates where I've thought that they'll definitely want to meet again - they even asked me to meet again on a couple of occasions and then bang - nothing.

It could be a number of reasons: they met someone else, they decided you weren't for them and they're too wimpish to say so, they got caught in a snowdrift somewhere, called back to their home planet... the thing is to just learn to shrug it off. It probably wasn't personal and you'll find someone else - someone better!

The other one could be for any number of reasons. Maybe you misread it, maybe he likes to look at good looking women (who doesn't?). You mentioned he had to set up a PC for you and for a couple of other people - speaking as someone who works in IT, he may have been staring to see what you were doing with your PC... I know this because I sometimes have to watch what people are doing to make sure they're not introducing something nasty to the network or sometimes just to see if I'm needed (people will sometimes just struggle with things rather than ask). So, again, don't take it personally.

As for approaching a guy - by all means DO IT! If someone nice came up to me and asked me out for a drink or similar I'd be very flattered - and impressed! Firstly, it takes courage to ask anyone out and secondly - women very rarely do that to me. It would say to me that you are someone who goes for it when you see someone or something you like. You don't "umm and ahh" about it - you seize the moment. That's VERY attractive! I can't speak for other guys but 'hard to get' is very wearing so a lady making the first move would be very refreshing and would make me more likely to think "interesting - let's say yes and see what happens". There are no guarantees of course, but when are there ever with this kind of thing?

But you're not alone with dating confusion and sometimes frustration - just see my threads to see some of the things I've experienced. But I'm not giving up - I know there's the perfect match for me out there somewhere right now and I'm willing to bet that that's exactly the same case for you too! We just have to keep at it and find them! :-)

Don't give up! :-)

- G

Suspiria

Judi wrote: »

Good job i'm married then cause if a man waited for me to ask him out, he'd have to wait a long time.:(

Im single,and id never ask a man out either. I just wouldnt feel right doing it.

poorly_scammo

Just to echo some of the other posters: I think you're trying too hard and reading too much into each situation. You seem very ready to jump in and start relationships with men and judging by the amount of hurt that these episodes have caused you, are still very raw and sensitive.

I concentrate on work, hobbies and being good to myself and enjoy all this for a while.

OptimusNemesis

Suspiria wrote: »

Im single,and id never ask a man out either. I just wouldnt feel right doing it.

About 10 years ago I met up with a friend I'd been to college with. We got into a conversation about some of the people we knew there and speculated what they may be doing now. All of a sudden he remarked about a girl we'd known there and said "you know she really fancied you, don't you?" at which point I said no! I'd had absolutely no idea. She'd apparently liked me for nearly two years but had never said anything to me or even dropped a hint.

The thing was, when I thought about it afterwards she had seemed like a lovely person and I certainly would have been interested in getting to know her better.

Until I was told that, I was completely oblivious. She'd told just about everyone else... except the very person she'd liked! I'd always thought she was already spoken for, so had never considered her as anything more than a friend I occasionally chatted to in the corridors at college.

By the time I found out, it was too late. I've never seen her since. I doubt if things have turned out badly for her but I can't help but wonder just how things may have turned out if she'd just told me (or at least hinted).

So I think either the guy or the girl should ask the person they're interested in out... I wonder how many wonderful relationships simply never happen because of situations like that?

- G

Newgirl_2

I think Candygirl summed it up. And I don't actually think either men's actions were 'cruel'.

From what you wrote, the online guy didn't actually say he wasn't married/attached, in fact he said anything except that so he possibly was. Or just enjoying the buzz and entertainment of a little online fun. Some do that. Some women also do that. I think it's rude when people go silent on you after chatting but then I'm also the sort of person who thinks it's rude to abandon a text conversation and not pick it up again. I appreciate I'm an odd one there.

As for the second guy, who knows? Finds you attractive, being friendly but attached and happy that way? Unless you asked you'd probably never find out.

I agree with others who have said go with the flow and just be open to what may happen without going after it or seeing every possibility as a definite thing. I met my partner online but he wasn't the first or only guy I chatted to at first, he was just the one that I clicked with. It was a bit of a shock to me when we met up and he said 'I need a day to think about things but I'll call you' (I thought 'yeah right, I'll never see you again') and guess what? He called when he said he would. There are good men out there, many who've been stung by odd women and are therefore cautious but basically, if he's truly keen, you will know about it.

Good luck and enjoy

Newgirl

podperson

I do think perhaps you're overanalysing things a bit too much. The second guy in particular I wouldn't have classed as being 'cruel' and flirting just because he was staring at you across the office. He could have been staring into space then smiled as it's a bit embarrassing to suddenly catch someone's eye when you're doing that - I'm murder for wool gathering! He could also have felt a bit bad about snapping at you earlier, I know I'm sometimes in the middle of something at work and can be a little short with people and then feel bad about it afterwards and will be extra friendly to them the rest of the day so they don't think it was personal. I'm just saying there could be lots of other explainations for that kind of behaviour - or as others have said he could have found you attractive but just wouldn't want to cheat on his gf.

I must admit have never bothered with any of the mind games people seem to insist on sometimes. One of the things my OH liked first about me and his friends are always whinging about their gfs to me lol! If you like someone then you don't need to necessarily ask them out but do at least show an interest. Guys (well the decent ones anyway!) can get insecure about asking someone out as well and are much less likely to do it without a bit of encouragment.

euronorris

Tropez wrote: »

Case #1 could be a variety of reasons. He may have been taken, he may have not been that serious/interested and he may have felt that you were insecure by questioning him about a partner and didn't want to be with someone insecure.

Case #2 maybe he does find you attractive. Most men, even if they are taken, can't help but admire beauty from afar. He may have smiled because he realised that you caught him looking at you and that was his reaction because otherwise he might have been concerned you would be creeped out by it.

To add to the reasons above:

#1 - Could've had some kind of emergency, or lost internet connection, or his subscription lapsed and couldn't afford to top it up or he could've met someone else in the meantime who he felt a stronger connection/attraction with/to.

#2 - He probably does find you attractive (as Tropez said) - hence admiring you from afar, but has no plans to act on it (hence being a bit dismissive when you're face to face). He's only human, so he's going to look every now and then. But that look was not an advance, or leading you on. Of course, he could be an @sshole who had plans to lure you into a bit of on the side action.

To be honest, I think you are reading way too much into both situations and putting too much pressure on the situation. And if you do do that, then guys will pick up on it and may keep their distance as a result.

Just try to take it easy, and take every first encounter as a casual, friendly chat. Anything past that is a bonus, but again, don't put too much pressure on it to turn into anything.

geoffky

Its because we are so crap at understanding women's languages...of which there are very many..