Why are men cruel? My experience so far...

tenke

OK, so I am back in the market after my divorce and so far the experiences I have had online and face to face have left me sad and disappointed.

I'm new to flirting and men language, so I guess it is a discovery journey for me anyway, but this is what has happened, that has made me think, some men can be cruel

1- Online chat, webcam ( normal chat, no monkey business, lots of flirting, laughter lasted until almost 3 am) Hitted it off ok, we could see each other live, talk we should chat again maybe next day Sunday. Update: guy disaappeared all of a sudden, not even an email, nothing. I was left confused wondering what could i have done wrong when all the signals of attrraction were there, gazing, he remembered little things i said, he was being coy many times, etc.
Granted I did ask him, if he had a gf/wife as I didnt want to participate in any cheating someone else not even chatting, he said: "You dont have to worry by anything like that from, look here it's Saturday night and I am alone here chatting with you. I said well she could be on holidays loling, but he said so nothing like that...
Anyway,maybe he was taken and thats why I was never contacted, I did send a friendly email after 5 days that we chatted because somehow, wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt, but no answer whatsover, I would prefer that someone who is taken, didint go into flirting and chatting with someone else who is single, because it is not fair for the chatee and even their own partner.

Case 2: Guy in real life ( work colleague, we are temping and soon finishing our work anyway, but here it goes..)

I thought from the beginning he was cute, but as I am terrified in this new environment that is " back in the market" kept the sighs to myself, acting preofessionally and friendly with him as with the rest of staff.
Anyway, I did ask him the favour to switch my pc as he comes early and was doing for one of 2 other members of staff that sit near him ( security data take ages to load). When he remembered and did me the favour, I appraoched his desk to say thank you it really does help me, I appreaciate. To that he says, its ok never mind, never even lookign at me, I found it a little rude but then again, the guy is kind of shy, not the quite socialble type, in the end, I thought well i did ay thank you, and at least Im ok wioth that.

Now, when we were in a room, where lots of staff were supposed to meet, he was staring at me from a distance, the gaze was intense, because I turned because I could feel someone was looking at me. When i see him he gives the biggest, warmest smiles. I look, acknowledge him and then continue talking to another colleague. The stare continues makking me acknowdlge a second time, the same thing happens, he smiles and fixes his gaze on me, at this point, i know he is not just randonmly looking around. He looks at me until I look away, all the time smiling.

With that a hint that " maybe " this guy likes me after all comes to me, so I research a little bit on body language when a guy or shy guy in this case, likes you and I find out, looking at you intently from afar and sometimes ignoring you are things they do when they like you.

Anyway, I'm not the type to chase a guy, so was feeling a little frusatrated that he didint make a move, but then I thiught maybe with time, yiou never know.

Anyway, today we go to a pub all the staff, and we are left, only him, me and another guy in friendly, chatty mode.
Then as we were talking about chicks tv programmes, he says yeah my gf sees that all the time,bla, bla..

So here I am, sad again and feeling a kind of emptiness, why would you he look at me suggestively when he already has a gf?? An ego trip? That seems cruel to me. I would have never ever even dream of think of this guy in romantic terms if i had known he was taken, because I wouldnt like to be in that place in the future...

I feel sad but somehow a little upset because he led me on somehow, in both cases. I feel empty when it was them who were not upfrint with the truth in the firt place

I would like to hear from women or even men just to throw some light on why these things happen or how to avoid them..

Thanks

Tropez

Case #1 could be a variety of reasons. He may have been taken, he may have not been that serious/interested and he may have felt that you were insecure by questioning him about a partner and didn't want to be with someone insecure.

Case #2 maybe he does find you attractive. Most men, even if they are taken, can't help but admire beauty from afar. He may have smiled because he realised that you caught him looking at you and that was his reaction because otherwise he might have been concerned you would be creeped out by it.

Hermia

I agree with Tropez re: guy 1.

Guy 2 - I wonder if you are just reading too much into things. He may have just ignored you because he was preoccupied with work. I think it's quite common at work for someone to talk to you without looking away from what they are doing because their mind is on something else. As for him looking at you. Maybe he is just a smiley person or maybe he started smiling because you kept glancing at him. What is he like with other people?

NewKittenHelp

They're not into you. They're not being cruel. Move on, don't be so sensitive.

tenke

Hermia wrote: »

I agree with Tropez re: guy 1.

Guy 2 - I wonder if you are just reading too much into things. He may have just ignored you because he was preoccupied with work. I think it's quite common at work for someone to talk to you without looking away from what they are doing because their mind is on something else. As for him looking at you. Maybe he is just a smiley person or maybe he started smiling because you kept glancing at him. What is he like with other people?

No I was not glancing at him. After him being short when i approached his desk to say thank you for the favour, I kept to myself. So his fixed stare took me by surprise, I was not expecting it. I just dont get why he did it, because he definately made sure I realized he " was " looking. Well I guess maybe he wanted to know if he still " had it " lol

He is kinda shy, doest socialize in breaks..

sweetme

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

They're not into you. They're not being cruel. Move on, don't be so sensitive.

What they said. If a guy was interested you would know he was interested. You'd pretty much be the priority of his day. Guys don't play games, they are literal acting beings.

morganedge

Guy no. 2 was probably looking at you because he fancied you. Just because someone has a girlfriend it doesn't mean that you can't find other people attractive. I'm a complete 'starer' (sp?)
I can't help but look at attractive people - kind of fascinates me, even if i'm in a relationship.
You telling me that you never stared at blokes when you were married.

marisco_2

tenke wrote: »

So his fixed stare took me by surprise, I was not expecting it.

Maybe the guys contact lenses slipped and gave him a bit of a fixed gaze . So he looked across and smiled at you. It was an innocent appreciation of someone attractive and who he gets on well with. Not an invite to start a relationship.

Neither of the guys you mention are being cruel. You had a nice chat with one and got on well. Perhaps he decided he didn't want to take things any further. He might have just come out of a relationship and not be ready to get involved with someone for a while.

I think for your own sake you need to approach meeting people in a more relaxed way. Dont over analyse initial contact and just see where things lead.

raven83

TBH, it is best to take men with a pinch of salt, that is what I do, if a bloke is really into you, you will know about it and he will make the effort to keep in touch and make you know how he feels.

Caroline_a

I think you need to step back a bit. You have just got divorced and you're already lining up men and making wrong decisions. Try to enjoy being single for a while - trust me, it has amazing advantages over living with the wrong man! Additionally, when you hold your head up and show the world that you don't need a man, you will become more confident and far more attractive as you are 'more unattainable'. Most people love a challenge..

ktb

Watch the movie 'he's just not that into you' and keep it firmly at the front of your mind as a mantra. When I found myself unexpectedly single I found it very useful to not take things personally when guys didn't call or dates didn't go well (even if i felt a bit dejected at times!) When someone really likes you, you usually know about it. When we met, I refused to give my now OH my number, even though I thought he was yummy. He went to real lengths to track me down & arrange to see me again. We are now planning to get married next year

I agree with others that post divorce you need some 'you' time, have fun of course, but keep things casual & take care of yourself.

Good luck