Why are men cruel? My experience so far...

JustKeepSwimming_2

Aw Tenke - I sympathise as I've just started internet dating (although dating is a misnomer ) & I've found it, well, interesting... I've only been doing it for just over a week but I'm suprised at how much my skin has thickened thanks to some truly vile messages.

But I have also been chatting to 2 genuine & kind men (who are both over 250 miles from me so I doubt very much that we'll ever meet) who say they've been equally suprised/devastated by the behaviour of some women on the site. Its a real cliche but you do have to sort the wheat from the chaff which is jolly hard work!

marisco wrote: »

I think for your own sake you need to approach meeting people in a more relaxed way. Dont over analyse initial contact and just see where things lead.

:T Funnily enough, one of the 2 told me exactly the same thing last night. When you've been single for a while (like me) & you got your last relationship so spectacularly wrong (like me) then I think you do tend to overthink things. Easier said than done to stop it though.

FBaby wrote: »

I don't know how old you are but be prepared that dating past the initial stage where people are looking for their one mate for life it becomes a mine field dating sites being the biggest bomb shell! If you go down that route you'll have to grow thick skin and learn the 'rules'. I was really taken aback when I first realised that the majority of guys on the sure were not interested in finding a long term partner but everything else! I learnt to pick up on the signs. The guy who says he works full time in a responsible job but is logged on the whole day, the one who can't ever chat in the evenings or weekends, the one who is full of compliments/declaring his love after only a couple of emails, the ones whose first word is to ask for more pictures, the ones who want to chat on msn but take ages to reply clearly talking to 5 other girls and that's all before even meeting them! It took me over 4 years using dating sites to find my man and that just as I was about to give it all up.I was the first he contacted this time joining the site after giving it up the previous year. We've been together over 3 years now and very happy. it does happen but you have to know what to expect. For one don't get hung up by pictures. Been shocked to see how they did not reflect the real person including my now partner. His picture was horrible not like him at all no chance of too many women being in touch with him on this basis so got him all for myself!

FBaby - what a great story! You have written wise words, as usual, & I can't agree with you enough about the photos. Tenke, Have a look through some photos of your friends & I bet you'll find some that make them look dreadful when you know for a fact they don't!

sweetme wrote: »

What they said. If a guy was interested you would know he was interested. You'd pretty much be the priority of his day. Guys don't play games, they are literal acting beings.

Having had an ex who played games to Olympic standard I have to disagree somewhat. He'd admit to it if he was well & truly caught out, saying he was only doing it to help boost his fragile ego (fragile ego - my a r s e). I do think he was in a minority though & most men don't play such games.

Debt_Free_Chick

tenke wrote: »

I would like to hear from women or even men just to throw some light on why these things happen or how to avoid them..

Thanks

It may help if you work out why you feel so hurt. Perhaps you are seeking validation from other people - other men in particular. Are you looking for attention to prove how wonderful you are? If that's the case - and I'm not saying it is, for it's for you to discover - but if you are, that's a 100% guaranteed recipe for disaster. You could potentially go through your whole life like that and it's simply not healthy. It implies that you don't value yourself and you measure your self-worth by what other people (men?) think of you.

So - why are you bothered by this? In particular, why are you bothered by a man who seemed to be paying you some attention, but then turned out not to be, when all the while he had a girlfriend???

Do you really want to hook up with a future partner who behaves in that way? Is that the type of partner you want?

Gavin83

tenke wrote: »

Anyway, I'm not the type to chase a guy, so was feeling a little frusatrated that he didint make a move, but then I thiught maybe with time, yiou never

Maybe that's half your problem. If you like someone ask them out on a date, don't act all 'hard to get' in the hope they'll ask you. Why are you getting frustrated he wasn't making a move when you say you don't make a move yourself? It's a little hypocritical.

Anyway you need to stop looking into things so much. You need to take online dating a little less seriously, the vast majority of people you meet won't go anywhere. As for the guy at work he was probably just being friendly. You almost seem angry that he 'led you on' but it doesn't appear he did anything of the sort.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a partner but just relax a little, become a little more outgoing and you'll likely prove more successful.

tenke

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Having had an ex who played games to Olympic standard I have to disagree somewhat. He'd admit to it if he was well & truly caught out, saying he was only doing it to help boost his fragile ego (fragile ego - my a r s e). I do think he was in a minority though & most men don't play such games.

The Ego part... Thank you for that !!!! :D

It really gets me, if a man is in a loving relationship, there is no ego trips to be taken by chatting with different single women in that chat. Even if physically speaking " his " is not in "hers " just by chatting online, it still constitutes cheating towards the legal or current partner:eek:

I guess it shocks me because I would have never dreamed of doing that myself when married.

I think what I have taken from this as food for thought is:

- If it is too good to be true, it maybe is
- Take guys with a pinch of salt, even if you meet and he seems interersted, chances are you are not never sure he is not lying, taken, having an ego trip, before he pursues further contact seriously
-Guy language is as difficult to read as women language lol:rotfl:

tenke

Gavin83 wrote: »

Maybe that's half your problem. If you like someone ask them out on a date, don't act all 'hard to get' in the hope they'll ask you. Why are you getting frustrated he wasn't making a move when you say you don't make a move yourself? It's a little hypocritical.

I think I wouldnt ask a guy on a date for fear of rejection as if he was an acquantance, things could get awkward.

But secondly, because .. isnt it that guys have it in their genes to do the chase and lose interest when the girl comes up to them??

As I said before I am new to the whole flirting thing, so I dont know how to act really, so I go for the old..
If a guy likes you, he asks you out, if he doesnt, well tough luck :rotfl:

fluffnutter

tenke wrote: »

But secondly, because .. isnt it that guys have it in their genes to do the chase and lose interest when the girl comes up to them??

No.........

Hermia

marisco wrote: »

Maybe the guys contact lenses slipped and gave him a bit of a fixed gaze .

Ha ha! I have bad eyesight even with my glasses on and have occasionally been intently staring at someone because of my sight and they got the wrong idea!

ikkle87

tenke wrote: »

But secondly, because .. isnt it that guys have it in their genes to do the chase and lose interest when the girl comes up to them??

As I said before I am new to the whole flirting thing, so I dont know how to act really, so I go for the old..
If a guy likes you, he asks you out, if he doesnt, well tough luck :rotfl:

If you just wait for a guy then your going to be in for a long wait. It's up to you to let them know you are interested too. We are out of caveman times now and it's perfectly normal for a woman to ask a man out, sometimes you get rejected and yeah it sucks but that's part of the whole dating/learning curve. x

MummyMummy_2

Im sorry to sound like a witch because im really not but you sound like a right bunny boiler in the making! No wonder blokes are running off left right and center. Whats wrong with just taking things as they are? Having a laugh and a bit of 'banter' (i hate that term but i dont know what other word use!) Why do you need to try and explain to yourself whats happening? Why do you need to analyize everything? Just take things as they are and enjoy them for what they are. X

Debt_Free_Chick

ikkle87 wrote: »

If you just wait for a guy then your going to be in for a long wait. It's up to you to let them know you are interested too. We are out of caveman times now and it's perfectly normal for a woman to ask a man out, sometimes you get rejected and yeah it sucks but that's part of the whole dating/learning curve. x

I can't disagree. But the OP does not seem to get the "sometimes you get rejected and yeah it sucks" thing.

I find that worrying (not for me, but for her!)