Narcissistic Mother - Legal Rights/Time to say Goodbye

MiddyMum

thorsoak wrote: »

I'm sorry - I most certainly did not want to suggest that - nor to minimise the effects of Middymum's childhood - what she suffered was and is valid.

Unfortunately for Middymum, she has had the mother she had - and nothing is ever going to give her a "good" childhood, nor good memories of it. Fact.

My suggestion - such as it is, is that Middymum acknowledges all of this - and by using her experience tries to ensure that her family has an upbringing as far from hers as is possible.

From bitter experience I have discovered that when I do put on the "nice shiny happy me" face, then after a while I find that I am actually enjoying what I am doing!

Laugh and the world laughs with you - weep and you weep alone - sad but true

It's ok, I know you meant well but I also understand what londonsurrey meant as well, my OH can be like what londonsurrey described. It is easier for him to seem me happy and smiley all the time, as opposed to seeing me try to get my head round things from my past, but I think that is only because he feels helpless, and doesn't like to see me in pain.

You are very right that my upbringing has made me very sensitive to my daughters childhood. I have been a mother for 2 years, and it blows my mind that someone could do those sort of things to a child. I doubt I will ever understand it. I have struggled with parenting my daughter, not because I don't enjoy it but mainly because I find that I am always asking myself if I am doing the right thing as I don't have anything to " model " it on if you know what I mean..

NewKittenHelp

Phone your mother and tell her that you're moving house in a few weeks, and the old stuff won't go/won't be enough room/some other excuse and she may as well throw it. Don't give her a new address and then change your phone numbers and never contact her again. She'll think you've moved and won't be able to contact you. Problem solved.

londonsurrey

thorsoak wrote: »

I'm sorry - I most certainly did not want to suggest that - nor to minimise the effects of Middymum's childhood - what she suffered was and is valid.

Unfortunately for Middymum, she has had the mother she had - and nothing is ever going to give her a "good" childhood, nor good memories of it. Fact. The problem - her mother - cannot be solved. Fact.

My suggestion - such as it is, is that Middymum acknowledges all of this - and by using her experience tries to ensure that her family has an upbringing as far from hers as is possible.

From bitter experience I have discovered that when I do put on the "nice shiny happy me" face, then after a while I find that I am actually enjoying what I am doing!

Laugh and the world laughs with you - weep and you weep alone - sad but true

I know you didn't mean anything unpleasant, as I know you.
It's just how I feel.

MiddyMum

londonsurrey wrote: »

I know you didn't mean anything unpleasant, as I know you.
It's just how I feel.

It's how I have felt in the past as well LS, so you are not alone.

Mojisola

MiddyMum wrote: »

I do have siblings, twin sisters, but they don't seem to see any thing wrong with my mothers behaviour but I am starting to feel that this may change very soon. They are 16, and have been under my mothers thumb as well. I could ask them to sneak a few photos for me, but there is a lot of resentment there on my part. There is no closeness, my mother saw to that. They have always been the golden children, they are 16 years old.

Isn't there any time when your sisters are at home but your mother isn't?

Could you turn up with your OH and clear out what you want before mother could be summoned?

determined_new_ms

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

Phone your mother and tell her that you're moving house in a few weeks, and the old stuff won't go/won't be enough room/some other excuse and she may as well throw it. Don't give her a new address and then change your phone numbers and never contact her again. She'll think you've moved and won't be able to contact you. Problem solved.

^^^ this :T my mother was awful, years of abuse as a child, tried to commit suicide by overdosing at 13 and my mother went out on the lash so she wouldn't be contactable for consent for the stomach pump. On and on it has gone throughout my life, me wanting her to love me, her doing my head in. Trying to get my kids taken off of me by making malicious false complaints about me to SS.

I cut her out of my life for 6 years and then my nan died so I started to have contact with her. For 1 year. Until she started to play her cruel games with my dd. That was it, there was no measure to how fast and furious I took that fight to her door. Contact the police and made complaints about her, changed my telephone nos and have since changed address. She now has no way of contacting me. She can keep all the stuff from my childhood, my life is infinitely happier without her in it a few photos and books can't compare :T

wendym

MiddyMum wrote: »

........struggled with parenting my daughter, not because I don't enjoy it but mainly because I find that I am always asking myself if I am doing the right thing as I don't have anything to " model " it on if you know what I mean..

My mother was not only a rubbish mother, she thought telling anyone and everyone how much she hated motherhood made her sound witty and interesting.

When in doubt as a parent, I just did the opposite of what she had done.

[Deleted User]

OP totally understand what u r saying. I was the most unconfident mother it is possible to be with my older son. This had its up side as I was quite sensitive to his needs but also meant I was a nervous wreck and beat myself up internally lol. I did get over this as I grew older though, thank god.

As far as your possessions are concerned as has been explained u can go a number of different ways. My personal way has been to in a way heal some of my iffy upbringing by being good with my kids, making them feel loved but not suffocated, and it still warms my heart to see them together (I have a 16 year old and a 6 year old). That's my family now, they are my memories.., not my first 'family'. I feel like the luckiest person in the world a lot of the time now, and I certainly prefer that feeling to the one I had when my head was buried mainly in my past.

Possessions u bring from your first family may hold some happy memories but ask yourself.., will they also be slightly tainted by the past.., by the knowledge u were lied to about them and kept waiting for so long? Possessions like that don't come without a price.

Personally, I'd build up some treasured possessions of my own with no taint at all. Your mum can only manipulate u if you let her. Walk away with a warm heart knowing u are stronger than her and can do so. Don't feel u've given something up.., you've chosen something nourishing and better.

Triker

I seriously wouldn't bother seeing a solicitor re getting your possessions, your parent would love this....imagine the drama, the opportunities for her to portray herself as a victim and worst of all it'll keep a connection to you.

Make new memories, enjoy your family.

I have similar experiences to you, I have no photos or anything, my stuff was disposed of! It's of no consequence really to the feeling of relief not to have any connection or contact with that person.

bazster

Parents. Wow. Just goes to show that those of us who feel we had a rough time growing up are a very, very long way from being alone. Good luck all, especially Middy, and be super-vigilant with yourselves when it comes to your own children. My OH and I have always been adamant that we will have no children, and I'm sure that's due at least in part to fear of perpetuating what we went through. Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse, says it all really:

They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.