Narcissistic Mother - Legal Rights/Time to say Goodbye

MiddyMum

So, I have made up my mind to say goodbye to my narcissistic mother for good today. I am 25 years old and she is messed with my head for way too long. I had a very long, cruel, physically and emotionally abusive childhood. I left home at 16.

During this time, she has still tried to manipulate me in everyway she can and has continued to swing between being very spiteful and mean spirited to nice, to spiteful again. Its been draining. I am 25 but I certainly feel 55 inside.

I live about 2 hours away from her, but she will still try to exert some control. The latest, or ongoing control has been concerning some items of mine from my childhood. In my childhood room, pretty much all of my possessions still remain, cuddly toys, books, school photos of me and some disney videos etc. I also have a mountain bike. Now, I am aware that she bought all of these things for me when I was a child, but some of these items remind me of when I was occasionally happy and I would also like to be able to now share them with my own daughter who is 2 years old. I also have no photos from my childhood so I just wanted a few snapshots to show my daughter for when when she is older.

Since starting this post, she just called me and said she would send a few photos to me in the post. Although, I am not hopeful as I requested these photos over a year ago and she still hasn't sent them. She trys to bargain with me, " Well you will get them when you come down to *location* " But she knows that because I don't want to go down there, she always keeps me in limbo. For the record, I don't like visiting my mother in my hometown because normally she will insult me in front of my OH, call me " fat " or just downright be hurtful towards me. So, I have kept contact via phone but I realise now that this will also have to stop for the sake of my inner peace and sanity.

During this phone call, she revealed that she has now sold all my books because she "needed the money". I find this very hard to believe as my mum has a " wardrobe room " full of Balanciega bags, jewellery, mink coats and shoes. I believe that this is just another one of her lies she is telling to divert my attention once again and if I was to go to her house I would see all my books still there.

So my question is, do I have any legal rights to take her to court for my possessions? I realise this may seem petty to some, but my mother doesn't love me, her actions have made that clear and some of these items were very precious to me as a child and since leaving home she has spent the whole time playing manipulation/bargaining games with me over these items.

Going through the courts for my possessions is something I am just considering as right now I am not sure if I have the mental strength anymore to pursue this. Although, I would still like to know whether I have any legal standpoint in any case. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

marmitepotato

What a sad post this is. Why don't you go, get your stuff, then never see her again? If you have stood 25 years of this woman another 30 minutes in her presence can't hurt you. You will have your precious memories without legal and very expensive wranglings where she will just except more control over you.

Good luck op.

themull1

I don't think so, you should have taken all your things with you when you moved, and i doubt that you will have proof of what she has sold.

MiddyMum

Thank you marmite,

I am just not sure if she would let me take them if I went down there. As she makes decisions based on what she is feeling at the time. I spent my whole childhood pandering to her every need when planned school trips and birthday parties came around because I was so scared that she would change her mind and say I couldn't go depending on her mood. So if I turn up with the sole intention of getting my things, I don't know whether she would cause a scene. I guess even at 25 she still scares me somewhat.

MiddyMum

themull1 wrote: »

I don't think so, you should have taken all your things with you when you moved, and i doubt that you will have proof of what she has sold.

She wouldn't let me take them when I left home at 16.

shelley_crow

I think you'd be hard pushed to get anything back if you go through the court if they've been stored at your mother's house for 9 years. If she's using your childhood possessions as a pawn to control you then call her bluff and tell her to get rid of everything. If she can't use them to hurt you then they are worthless to her.

I can sympathise, I experienced exactly the same with my mother. I left everything I couldn't carry, which was pretty much everything! It was worth losing possessions to finally be free of her. I have had to replace the items I missed gradually and the items that were irreplaceable, well I have fond memories of them.

I've been no contact since 2004 and it's been bliss.

trailingspouse

I'm not sure of the legal position, but just wanted to send some support in your direction. I would be inclined to say - just forget it. Make new memories with your daughter, and forget the old stuff. I'm sure someone will be along soon to give you the lowdown on the legal position.

londonsurrey

MiddyMum wrote: »

I am just not sure if she would let me take them if I went down there. As she makes decisions based on what she is feeling at the time. I spent my whole childhood pandering to her every need when planned school trips and birthday parties came around because I was so scared that she would change her mind and say I couldn't go depending on her mood. So if I turn up with the sole intention of getting my things, I don't know whether she would cause a scene. I guess even at 25 she still scares me somewhat.

I think that's a very honest post, and I wish I was as aware of myself and my narcissistic mother when I was 25. It took me a lot longer to get to where you are.

For your legal position, I would go to CAB.

For your reading of she'll do her durndest to twist any situation to ensure all are dancing attendance on her, I think you're absolutely spot on.

Funnily enough, when I moved out (of the flat I was paying for, that my mother stayed in), I was packing some books. She claimed that they were hers.

This was complete rubbish, as she'd stayed in the Cayman Islands for years, and come to the flat with a couple of suitcases. I'd built up that collection of books.

After an argument, I just left them for her. She won.

Years later, when she became aware that I was really quite serious about cutting contact with her, she appeared on my doorstep with those books, that she was insistent were mine, and it was suddenly urgent that I got them back. *rollseyes*

marmitepotato

Middymum, pluck up the courage, go with your OH, take a huge handbag with you. Then go up to use the loo, go in your room and cram as much as you can in your bag. She cannot hurt you physically if your OH is there if she finds out you have your stuff. She will prolly be abusive but it's nothing you can't handle. Get a new sim for your mobile and a landline phone that lets you know whose ringing before you answer it. You need never talk to her again. Try not to be scared of her because she is feeding off of this. Be strong.I really really wish you good luck.

MiddyMum

londonsurrey wrote: »

I think that's a very honest post, and I wish I was as aware of myself and my narcissistic mother when I was 25. It took me a lot longer to get to where you are.

For your legal position, I would go to CAB.

For your reading of she'll do her durndest to twist any situation to ensure all are dancing attendance on her, I think you're absolutely spot on.

Funnily enough, when I moved out (of the flat I was paying for, that my mother stayed in), I was packing some books. She claimed that they were hers.

This was complete rubbish, as she'd stayed in the Cayman Islands for years, and come to the flat with a couple of suitcases. I'd built up that collection of books.

After an argument, I just left them for her. She won.

Years later, when she became aware that I was really quite serious about cutting contact with her, she appeared on my doorstep with those books, that she was insistent were mine, and it was suddenly urgent that I got them back. *rollseyes*

Yes, I have had similar experiences. Occasionally she will offer "crumbs" when she feels that I am pulling away and she has also said in the past that the books are hers, because she bought them for me. But then sometimes she will ask me to come and get them, but I know she wouldn't just let me get them. There would be more " pandering" like you say, and I literally feel sick whenever I have to do it. Its really frustratng because people with Narcissistic disorder have a different sort of logic.

coffeemonster*123

i think your best chance of getting some of your childhood things is to 'play her game' and go without prior warning.

i arranged (foolishly) with my father and his new partner to collect the stuff from my bedroom & jewlery left to me by my grandmother and my mother, and when i got there, they said there has been a break-in the previous night and it had been taken