Narcissistic Mother - Legal Rights/Time to say Goodbye

MiddyMum

marmitepotato wrote: »

Middymum, pluck up the courage, go with your OH, take a huge handbag with you. Then go up to use the loo, go in your room and cram as much as you can in your bag. She cannot hurt you physically if your OH is there if she finds out you have your stuff. She will prolly be abusive but it's nothing you can't handle. Get a new sim for your mobile and a landline phone that lets you know whose ringing before you answer it. You need never talk to her again. Try not to be scared of her because she is feeding off of this. Be strong.I really really wish you good luck.

Thank you,

I know you are right. I need to try this first before going to legal route, just feel sick at the thought of it...the only problem I can see with this is that she has now started telling me she doesn't want my OH in her house. She had recently said that she wanted me to come down for Christmas, so I agreed and said we as a family would come down but she has said she only wants my daughter and I to which I declined because yet again, this is another ploy to control me. My relationship with my OH has not been without problems, but he is a good man and is a good father so I don't know why she has made this decision. So, I am not sure how this would work if my OH was standing outside, she is only especially nasty when she gets me on my own. Although, she leaves the soft stuff like " wow, never knew my daughter would get so fat " for when she is around my OH.

She wouldn't let me go upstairs on my own either, there is a downstairs loo, this is the same house that I grew up in. But, its very much her house and she has always made me know it.

MiddyMum

coffeemonster*123 wrote: »

i think your best chance of getting some of your childhood things is to 'play her game' and go without prior warning.

i arranged (foolishly) with my father and his new partner to collect the stuff from my bedroom & jewlery left to me by my grandmother and my mother, and when i got there, they said there has been a break-in the previous night and it had been taken

That is awful...they didn't expect you to believe that did they?

whitewing

Perhaps contact the school and see if you could get copies of school photos (esp if a solicitor requested due to extenuating family circumstances).

Also maybe contact friends via friends reunited - you may be able to get some snapshot photos from that (depending on how much your family circumstances affected your ability to form friendships).

Any other relatives who you could write to?

Disney videos or books etc - just buy off Amazon or somewhere. Yes it would be great to have your actual books but create new memories with old stuff. If your mum knows you have them, she may give you your old stuff then you can sell on what you don't want.

bazster

This may sound ridiculous, but do you have a key? If so, you could just help yourself at some time when you know she's going to be out. I was forced to do this after my father told me never to darken his door again: at a time when I knew he wasn't going to be in, I went there, collected all my things, and left with them - in tears, I must admit. Sounds pathetic I know, but like you there were things that I really didn't want to lose and there didn't seem to be any other way of recovering them.

This came just a few weeks after my now-wife was thrown out of the family home by her mother (your mother sounds a remarkably similar woman) on her 18th birthday. I picked her up at the side of the road with all her possessions quite literally in bin bags. Dark days for us both, and you have my sympathy.

For the record this was a long time ago and my father and I have since sorted out our differences. My MiL has since passed away, but she and my OH were reconciled before the end.

nearlyrich

What a very sad situation, I understand the need for stuff but at the same time your peace of mind is very important. I would be heartbroken if my relationship with my Mum had come to this or my relationship with my children however sometimes people don't deserve the term Mum to be applied.

coffeemonster*123

i dont think they cared, and there wasn't much i could do.
Looking back i really shouldn't have gone on my own, the verbal abuse wouldn't have happened if i was with someone.

MiddyMum

whitewing wrote: »

Perhaps contact the school and see if you could get copies of school photos (esp if a solicitor requested due to extenuating family circumstances).

Also maybe contact friends via friends reunited - you may be able to get some snapshot photos from that (depending on how much your family circumstances affected your ability to form friendships).

Any other relatives who you could write to?

Disney videos or books etc - just buy off Amazon or somewhere. Yes it would be great to have your actual books but create new memories with old stuff. If your mum knows you have them, she may give you your old stuff then you can sell on what you don't want.

Thank you for this suggestion, I hadn't thought of this. Re: relatives. I don't know where my real father is. I remember seeing him on the odd Sunday as a very young child but unfortuately I ended up seeing things I shouldn't see, so I told my mother I no longer wanted to go there. He too, is a very sick abusive man, I wouldn't be able to stomach making any contact with him. My grandmother is now very senile, but even through her madness she has still shown me kindness with letters in the post and cards so I will contact her to see if she has any photos of me.

I may have to just deal with the fact I have lost some of these possessions and just create new memories. I guess the need to have these items back was as much about the principle as it is the emotional. I was hoping that these items could help me remember a few happy times from my childhood as at the moment I struggle to remember any.

bazster wrote: »

This may sound ridiculous, but do you have a key? If so, you could just help yourself at some time when you know she's going to be out. I was forced to do this after my father told me never to darken his door again: at a time when I knew he wasn't going to be in, I went there, collected all my things, and left with them - in tears, I must admit. Sounds pathetic I know, but like you there were things that I really didn't want to lose and there didn't seem to be any other way of recovering them.

This came just a few weeks after my now-wife was thrown out of the family home by her mother (your mother sounds a remarkably similar woman) on her 18th birthday. I picked her up at the side of the road with all her possessions quite literally in bin bags. Dark days for us both, and you have my sympathy.

For the record this was a long time ago and my father and I have since sorted out our differences. My MiL has since passed away, but she and my OH were reconciled before the end.

Thank you,

I don't have a key unfortunately, she made me give it to her as I stood on the front door with my carrier bags. I am glad your OH was able to sort things out with her mum so she could get closure. I really wish I could have that but I don't think this will ever happen for me. She has been this way all my life.

MiddyMum

coffeemonster*123 wrote: »

i dont think they cared, and there wasn't much i could do.
Looking back i really shouldn't have gone on my own, the verbal abuse wouldn't have happened if i was with someone.

Yes, they know exactly when to act like monsters don't they? It's probably why my mum has now said she wants to only see me on my own with my daughter as she knows she can't really get away with that sort of thing in front of my OH.

bazster

MiddyMum wrote: »

I don't have a key unfortunately, she made me give it to her as I stood on the front door with my carrier bags. I am glad your OH was able to sort things out with her mum so she could get closure. I really wish I could have that but I don't think this will ever happen for me. She has been this way all my life.

Yes I understand. In the circumstances you need to do the right thing for you. Maybe you'll need to think seriously about parting with your possessions: painful though it may be, might it not be best to make a clean break now rather than engage your mother in an inevitably painful and possibly protracted legal action?

marmitepotato

I think the controll over your possessions is the very last bit of control she has over you op. Once you have these she has lost. You need to decide if you really want these things or if you can live without them. You have managed for years without them, maybe you can manage without them forever. Who knows you may see them again at a different time in your life.

It's a tough decision you have to make. Go get your stuff, or make the break and consign these items to your memory.


I really know how you feel. I left home to join the army at 17. When I came home on my first leave my new step mum had redesigned my bedroom and had totally eradicated any trace of me. All my toys, games, dolls, pictures, books, bed, curtains, wallpaper had gone. She meant business! She didn't want me there, 35 years later she still hates me having a part of dads life. I miss my stuff, but it's all in my memory, and I can reminisce any time I want.