Flying solo

*Robin*

Hello Diary and Dear, wonderfully helpful Friends, :hello:

Welcome to the Nest, Eager Elephant, and thanks for popping in, Fudgie, DFW and Granny.

Am so grateful that everyone who has commented recently, feels able to share experiences of coping with MH issues. Were it possible I would have thanked all your posts a hundred times! :T
..Hope this discussion also proves useful for anyone else in a similar position who prefers to read but not post.

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I haven't commented before but thought I would now.

My DH has severe depression (but manages to work) and I know when he is at home he is himself (so down and moody sometimes) but when we are outside of the house he puts on a front and he appears to be the happiest guy ever and you would not know about his illness.

But if we have been at home all day his moods can vary but not to the extent of attempting suicide within hours of being very jolly.

My DH had a breakdown last year and went missing for hours - after he was discharged from hospital (he was not sectioned as I agreed to look after him) he did not leave the house for weeks, he was very down and barely ate, drunk or did anything.
He is much better now but certainly could not have improved within a matter of hours.

Either she was putting on a front to appear happy to you all and inside she was very down or she is a very good actress.

debtfreewannabe321 wrote:

these days if I am down with depression I never let on to my family. Otherwise they watch me like a hawk

EE and DFW, your posts have made me wonder whether GF is still putting on a 'public' happy demeanour for DS2 as well as everyone outside the home?
..If so that means she must be keeping up the act constantly (because they moved in together relatively early in their relationship - at GF's urging).
How much stress would that add to her condition?

Still haven't heard from DS.

Fudgie I think he was hoping I'd offer to pay the bill - there is something of a family tradition that help will be given for essential spends if an individual member can't afford it at the time (such as new tyres to ensure DGD's safety).
Did check with El Medico's receptionist as to the approximate cost of nine months' treatment from their visiting Psychologist (covering one and a half 'cycles' to provide support at each stage).
It'd take 80% of my monthly budget - as there's no way Daft Dogs and I could live on 20%, it would mean paying from one of the funds (which are all earmarked for other - important - things).

Am very, very reluctant to do that. So will go with finding out as much as possible, getting to know GF better, and see what can be done by talking it through ourselves.

Also tempting to put all Funds well out of the way; a house could be ideal as it would also solve DS4's accommodation problem (which represents a considerable upcoming cost anyway ).
<sigh> Of the four uni places Divo Four was offered, he's gone for the most prestigious option; in a city with some of the costliest housing stock in the UK! Can't begrudge his choice; the graduate employment situation being as it is, his CV will look better with an Oxbridge degree.. :cool2:

Am not mortgageable - even if I wanted one - but a certain bank is doing it's best to lend me money atm. They've got PC's savings somewhere in their system (it's left his bank, arrived at mine but not yet in my a/c - earning their share-holders interest in the bank's overnight a/c, where it's likely to languish until next week! :mad:).

'Tis enough to send me outside to do battle with the remaining pockets of weeds..
Summer has broken; we have clouded skies, a stiff chilly breeze - and during the last two nights I've been woken by showers of rain.

Yesterday Daft Dogs' heat-repelling jackets turned up; just too late for maximum benefit (but they seem happy enough to wear them - even though the temperature has started to drop it's still pretty warm for full-coated dogs, but wearing the jackets they're not hassling for the fan to be put on. So hopefully this will still be an MSE solution for the future (if we end up repeating the experience ).

ani_26

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

My DH has severe depression (but manages to work) and I know when he is at home he is himself (so down and moody sometimes) but when we are outside of the house he puts on a front and he appears to be the happiest guy ever and you would not know about his illness.

True, there may be times when it's possible to do this.

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

But if we have been at home all day his moods can vary but not to the extent of attempting suicide within hours of being very jolly.

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

My DH had a breakdown last year and went missing for hours - after he was discharged from hospital (he was not sectioned as I agreed to look after him) he did not leave the house for weeks, he was very down and barely ate, drunk or did anything.
He is much better now but certainly could not have improved within a matter of hours.

Either she was putting on a front to appear happy to you all and inside she was very down or she is a very good actress.

Maybe not? Extreme highs can be followed by extreme lows, for no particular reason. Sometimes it's because you've had an extreme high? No two people are the same. Mental health is a very complex issue? But who are we to know or judge?





Robin, you are a buddhist?





http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-help-someone-who-wont-help-themselves/



In particular, i find these points very thought provoking :-



"Very rarely do people open up to genuine help when they feel like someone is looking down on them or projecting onto them. None of us want to feel judged, misunderstood, or coerced into believing something when we’re not ready.
So what do we want? What is it that helps people create change when they’re struggling and resistant to help?
Since I have been on both sides of the table—and I have felt equally powerless on both—I decided to ask the Tiny Buddha Facebook community, “How do you help someone who won’t help themselves?”





Some of the answers that resonated with me include:


1. First, check yourself. Do they really need help, or are you pushing some agenda subconsciously or otherwise? Second, let them know you’re there. Third, give them an example to follow. ~Carl B Salazar

2. People have to come to where they need to be to get their lessons. You can’t help someone who is not willing. But you can love them through it. Send light and love and hold them in your heart space. I had to hit my own bottom and dead end to turn around and climb back up…when I was ready and willing. ~Karen Blake

3. We can stop judging people assuming that they are not helping themselves. Perhaps the helplessness is the sign of their being out of their comfort zone. If we want to help, we can do some positive things like: Give some encouragement or discuss the situation with them and let their own intuition discover the best way to help themselves. ~Santosh Nag

4. Examine your attachment to their choices. Their challenges and choices are their life lessons, not yours. Is your wanting to help them saying something about you that you need to learn? ~Susan McCourt

5. You can help them by just being there and being supportive. You can still plant seeds. Most minds are so conditioned it is almost impossible to shed any light on their world. So just smile, nod, suggest, and if it does not help then move on with no regret because you tried. ~Skip Blankley

6. Don’t enable them. Put the tools in their hands to help themselves, show them how to use them, step back, and be there when they trip. Love them when they fall. Repeat repeatedly. ~Crystal Boudreau

7. You can’t make people be what you want them to be and you can’t decide what is best for them. You can only choose for yourself. There is a huge difference between can’t and won’t. Can’t might be open to help. Won’t can’t be your problem. The best thing is won’t might not always be won’t. Hope for that. ~Melodee Luka Kardash

8. Love them until they learn to love themselves. ~Amber Weinacht

9. Stop trying to make them live as you think they should…How others live is not for us to control, but to learn from. ~Crystal Sverdsten

10. Let go. They have to help themselves and accept responsibility. ~Viengxay Jimenez

11. Their path is not yours to blaze, and who’s to say they’re not exactly where they need to be at this very moment? ~Fiona Berger Maione

12. Focus on your own well being (boundaries) so that you can provide stable support when they ask for help. Allow them their process no matter how difficult it is to watch. It is neither our right or responsibility to manipulate their journey. ~Robyn Williams

13. People who won’t help themselves usually don’t trust others or themselves. Until they do, help them along by being a friend, but don’t engage in crazy behavior with them. ~Jerelyn Allen

14. How do we know, when we’re in our own little egos, that that person isn’t already doing their work? Sometimes, “helping” someone, means leaving them alone…sometimes, you help just by being yourself and healing your stuff so that others can see the change and know that it’s possible. The best way I’ve found to help others is to try and be as authentic as I possibly can. The rest, well, is just none of my business. ~Amy Scott

15. Don’t turn your back on them. Just accepted them for who they are, flaws and all, then decide for yourself if it is worth it to you. If it is, patience is a virtue. If not, then keep a hand out but watch out for yourself as well. No need for two people who won’t help themselves. ~April Spears

16. Support is important. Talk to your friends don’t leave them when they go through hard times, you’ll need them when you’re going through a hard time. ~Rosemin Bhanji

17. Help them see how their actions impact others (children, spouse or parents). ~Eloise Cabral

18. Open the door. They’ll walk through it when they’re ready. ~Devon Palmer

19. Be a role model. Show them what life is like when you cultivate and cherish the self. ~Steven Lu

20. Stay strong! Use your strength to combat their weakness. It takes time. ~ Laurie Stahl Sturgeon


I ended up telling Jane exactly what was going on in mind—how I’d clung to unfairness for years and missed out on a lot of life in the process. I acknowledged that she is a different person. I then told her that I make no assumptions or judgments about what’s going on with her and what’s right for her, but I’m here if she wants to talk.
I’d like to think that in owning my own stuff I may have inspired her to do the same. Sometimes all we can do to help other people is continue to help ourselves."





Do excuse me for popping by.

*Robin*

Eager_Elephant wrote:

My DH has severe depression (but manages to work) and I know when he is at home he is himself (so down and moody sometimes) but when we are outside of the house he puts on a front and he appears to be the happiest guy ever and you would not know about his illness.

ani_26 wrote: »

True, there may be times when it's possible to do this.

Eager_Elephant wrote:

But if we have been at home all day his moods can vary but not to the extent of attempting suicide within hours of being very jolly. .....................

My DH had a breakdown last year and went missing for hours - after he was discharged from hospital (he was not sectioned as I agreed to look after him) he did not leave the house for weeks, he was very down and barely ate, drunk or did anything.
He is much better now but certainly could not have improved within a matter of hours. .....................

Either she was putting on a front to appear happy to you all and inside she was very down or she is a very good actress.

ani_26 wrote: »

Maybe not? Extreme highs can be followed by extreme lows, for no particular reason. Sometimes it's because you've had an extreme high? No two people are the same. Mental health is a very complex issue? But who are we to know or judge?

Robin, you are a buddhist?

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-he...lp-themselves/

Ani, thank you very much indeed for posting. :T
You changed the course of my morning - in a positive way - after reading your comment and the link I became utterly lost in thought; lessons, memories, and unresolved issues..

How to tie in everything I've learned and am still learning, in order to provide effective support - but without taking control away from GF and DS?

ani_26 wrote: »

Do excuse me for popping by.

Am very grateful you did, Ani - no excusing to be done!
With all humility; thank you for joining in.

Namaste.

Rx

*Robin*

Hello Diary and Dear Friends, :hello:

Time to step back from MH issues and pay attention to my own life..

Last week, I called in at the local bank to top up our bill-paying a/c. Am a little ashamed to admit that I've generally no idea what's going on with it; bank has no internet access, and the 8cm wide strips of minuscule writing they send out in lieu of statements are indecipherable - even when viewed with a loupe and glasses (oh the joys of passing one's half century birthday! :cool:).

Adding to the confusion, their withdrawal receipts always give two balance figures 200€ apart. Have asked for an explanation of this several times, but still don't get it.

The young man on the desk was very helpful; told me the Spanish Bills Fund still contained 46€, printed out a legible statement, and transferred in a year's worth of DD payments from my personal a/c.
All fine - for ten minutes..

Collected the mail on the way home. It included an electricity bill for 105€ issued on 17.8, due to be taken the day before I went to the bank. Payment must have failed, so immediately they sent a disconnection notice - which arrived the same day as the bill. :mad:
Good news is that the mañana principle means I've got until the end of October in which to sort it out.

Not such good news is that PC's savings haven't appeared.
:think: As I've still not decided where to put his money, suppose I can't get too upset. Yet.

Divo Four called in on the way back from his jaunt, with Divo One. Mentioned the house-buying idea which both received positively, so will be discussed further. DS1 is already looking to invest in another property - between us it might be possible.


Am in pain. Not sure whether lifting a huge bucket of paint into a trolley and then the van - where it languishes - did the damage, or spending a couple of hours gardening on a very steep slope, planting succulents..
Either way, my back has totally seized up and is bluddy painful - bad enough to dig out and plug m'self into our TENS machine for the last three days, after my entire range of painkillers failed to touch it.
Can't drive, so also had to cancel CD's blood test appointment today.

grannyx2

Drat re bill, so frustrating

Sorry to hear about your back, take it easy my dear

Hope you find PCs savings soon, very annoying

Sounds like plans re house are moving forward

Hope you and furry friends are ok

Granny x

HeadAboveWater

Hello

:mad: to the electric/bank fiasco! Not what you needed at all Hopefully it's easily sorted.

Fingers crossed ref the house plans! Exciting!

Please take care of yourself Robin

*Robin*

Hello Diary and MSE Friends, :hello:

Thanks for popping in, Granny and HAW.

Fuming. :mad:

Just spent a total of 106 minutes on two 'phone calls:
First bank deny everything.
Second bank very reluctantly concede they're at fault; still got PC's savings, no real idea why?
They have promised it will be sorted tomorrow, also waiting to hear from their complaints department (which has been cunningly disguised under the new politically correct title of "Concerns").

Therefore on this occasion, apologies for thinking badly of B!ack Hor5e.

..See what happens tomorrow? :cool:


Gardener has turned up unexpectedly [:D] - time to join her; harvest some almonds and water the veggies..

grannyx2

How blinking frustrating, I've got everything crossed that it finally makes its way to you tomorrow

Granny x

debtfreewannabe321

It doesn't surprise me that they are dithering with sorting the money out, i'm sure they are appreciating the interest it's bringing them!

Sympathies on the bad back after I did mine in last week worst pain ever. A bath with lots of epsom salts helped ease it a little as did lots of lying on a cold hard floor (the kitchen!) I hope yours is feeling better soon xx

HeadAboveWater

Morning

Exactly as DFW says - they prefer themselves gaining on your money rather than you!

Hope you had fun gardening