How to broach the wedding subject to OH!

CashStrappedPrincess

Sorry this is going to be a long one!

Me and OH got engaged in Morocco in May 2011. Now were not planning on getting married for a good few years yet once we have bought a house marriage would be the next step. I've always said I would love to get married abroad and a beach wedding has always appealed to me as a cheaper option as I really wouldn't want to start our married life in debt.

However the more I think about it (I guess im thinking about it because its wedding season and they're everywhere at the moment) the more I couldn't stand not having my parents there.

My dad was told he had approx 10-15 years to live when I was 9/10 bear in mind I am now 22 and we have nearly lost him a couple of times but he seems to be in ok health at the moment. I guess i'm starting to think it wouldn't be impossible for him to be there when I do get married. But he cannot fly any distance (he has COPD and the cabin pressure wouldn't suit him).

Mum has never been abroad and I would never expect her to leave dad (she's his full time carer). Also if Dad wasn't here I really couldn't see her going abroad on her own for a week and I would feel uncomfortable and as If I had to have her with us all the time.

My best friend probably wouldn't be able to go (too expensive) and she is the only person I could imagine having as my MOH.

OH's family would probably all be able to go (other than his grandma) and our mutual friends (mainly male).

When we first got engaged I have said before that we could just go abroad on our own and do it he said it wasn't fair that becuase my family couldn't go his have to miss out. Which I agree with but I dont think its fair for me to have nobody there.

I just want to make it clear that I would quite happily go to the town hall tomorrow and marry him however I would love my Dad to walk me down the aisle and for all our families to be there and share our day.

I just don't know how to broach the subject I feel like I need to tell him as one day planning this will a large part of our lives, and I stupidly kind of feel like this isn't what he signed up for IYSWIM:rotfl:

Any advice would be appreciated anyone had anything smilar
CSP x

podperson

Sorry is he saying it's not fair on his family or on him if you don't get married abroad - if it's the family that makes no sense to me as they'll still see you getting married and if they just want a holiday abroad surely they can book their own?

Could you look at a compromise - I know a few people who have had a small ceremony in this country and when they went on their honeymoon had a blessing-type ceremony abroad.

Quite frankly thought I'd expect him to understand that you'd like your parents to be present at your wedding - especially if he seems to be having a huff at the thought of his not being there!

balletshoes

just tell him you've changed your mind (we are all allowed to do that you know ). You still want a small do, but its important to you that your parents can be there. I can't imagine why that would be any issue with your OH.

Oh, and the engagement and wedding venues aren't even that important, they are just places, you are both committing the rest of your lives to each other.

suki1001

You want to marry a man who says stuff what you or your family wants - as long as he's alright and gets what he wants?

I'm sorry, but I think this is awful - you're creeping around a man who should be supporting you, I think he needs to get his priorities right and you need to think about whether you want to marry a man whose priorities in getting married are the location.

If he loves and cherishes you like he should, he would see how important it is for you to get married with your dad by your side and that would be important to him to, particularly in the circumstances.

I think this is very, very sad that you feel uncomfortable broaching the subject with him - you shouldn't be in this position.

duchy

A wedding is one day out of the rest of your lives........... If he wants to marry you he probably won't be too fussed on the where and understand your good reasons for changing your mind.

After all he said "Will you marry me" not "Will you marry me only abroad"

Why can't his family be the ones to travel -assuming they are healthy (I'm assuming that the abroad you are talking about is where his family live) or do what my brother did-have two weddings one in each country !

floss2

Why not suggest that you have a small family wedding at your local Town Hall with a meal afterwards, then save up for a honeymoon & renew your vows on a beach on your first anniversary?

Then you BOTH have your family there to see to make your vows, AND yo get the beach "wedding" too but without the pressure of trying to get all the family there

NewKittenHelp

Why can't you have a beach wedding in the UK?

I must say, I don't think it's on that some posters are having a go at your OH for wanting his family at his wedding after you said you wanted to get married abroad and that his family couldn't go.

NewKittenHelp

suki1001 wrote: »

You want to marry a man who says stuff what you or your family wants - as long as he's alright and gets what he wants?

I'm sorry, but I think this is awful - you're creeping around a man who should be supporting you, I think he needs to get his priorities right and you need to think about whether you want to marry a man whose priorities in getting married are the location.

If he loves and cherishes you like he should, he would see how important it is for you to get married with your dad by your side and that would be important to him to, particularly in the circumstances.

I think this is very, very sad that you feel uncomfortable broaching the subject with him - you shouldn't be in this position.

Are you reading the same topic? It is the OP who wants to get married abroad, and upon realising that her family couldn't go, then told her OH that they should do it alone without his family who can afford to go.

Just another topic where men are demonised.

CashStrappedPrincess

Thanks for the advice guys.

When we were talking about abroad as a wedding venue I was all for it. Mum had said go off and do what you want as long as we get pics and get to see you in your dress at the reception. I presumed Dad wouldn't be here and had even thought about asking my FIL2B to give me away abroad. I felt at the time I honestly wouldn't care who was there as long as me and him were.

I can understand him saying that if his family can afford to go and want to then why shouldn't they. Afterall they are going to be my family too. If the shoe was on the other foot and his family couldn't go but mine could I would stand my ground that my family shouldn't miss out on seeing us get married. He has even said that we would pay for my mum to go.

It was me who said originally I wanted to get wed abroad and after seeing his SIL and brother getting so stressed in the run up to their wedding he liked the idea even more. Also another plus point for abroad would be that his parents gave his Brother 2k towards their honeymoon and said that we would get the same but we would have to use this towards a honeymoon so its fair. A wedding abroad would be our honeymoon so that would be a big chunk paid for. I have 10 half brothers and sisters (from mum and dads previous marriages) and they have families of their own so when we had looked at UK weddings even the cheapest options were looking expensive with how many guests we have.

Up until recently I have still been all for it even watching a few of the beach weddings on our last holiday in Mexico.

Im just going to talk to him but I dont know if its worth discussing it now or just wait until closer to the actual time. I know his heart is in the right place and he isn't an ogre like I may have portrayed him to be in my first post. I'll let you know how it goes

suki1001

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

Are you reading the same topic? It is the OP who wants to get married abroad, and upon realising that her family couldn't go, then told her OH that they should do it alone without his family who can afford to go.

Just another topic where men are demonised.

Give over - it's one man, not the whole of mankind - I'm hardly tarring all men with the same brush - do I really need to add that I would think the same if the sexes were reversed? It's you who hasn't read what the op's partner has said properly. Her oh said, why shouldn't his family go to the wedding anyway abroad even if hers couldn't go.

In other words he thinks his family should go and hers don't matter.

You might think me pointing out that I think this isn't very nice a little over reaction, but I would be pretty upset if my daughter or son were marrying a person like this.

CashStrappedPrincess

Thanks NewKitten I'm glad someone is looking at it from his point of view. The whole reason I am not looking forward to broaching the subject is that I am going to dissapoint someone I love when I feel like we have both wanted something and now I am the person who is saying 'actually I dont think I want that anymore'.

I didn't say I didn't want his family there I just suggested we go off and do it on our own. No fuss just the two of us