You soon learn how important you are

mildred1978

New_to_Avon wrote: »

I'm so glad I found this post, I'm having the same problems myself and was in need of advice so came looking on here. I'm sorry to hear the OP is having such problems but I can empathise!

We got engaged at the beginning of July and are not planning on getting married until December 2013, to give us time to save up. (I'm also completing a Masters in a few weeks and this Christmas would have just been too tight to organise everything) My family has its problems but is only small so I hope they will all come, regardless of where we have it or when. The problem lies with my fianc!'s family. We would like to have the wedding in between Christmas and New Year, in Bath. We live in Poole/Bournemouth and so do all of my fianc!'s family. (My family live in Essex but are happy to travel) My OH has two brother's, one married with young (11 & 7) children, the other has a partner who has older teenage children. My fianc! was so concerned that the brother with young children wouldn't come that he asked his SIL if they could make it, sometime between xmas and new year 2013. (against my better judgement but its his family so I took a step back) His SIL came back and said that we could have it between the 29th and 31st Dec, we couldn't have it the week before xmas because of getting ready for xmas (we wouldn't anyway) and we would (and I quote) "have to bend round them", as they would like to be there. Now, we go out of our way to be at their family gatherings, birthday parties etc, the same SIL & brother have not attended my fianc!s birthday parties for the last three years, haven't sent us an engagement card and if they do send a card its usually via my future-MIL. They blew the whole family off at xmas last year, saying they wanted to spend it as a 'family' (e.g. alone, just the four of them) and on Mothers Day this year when we offered to take out my fianc!'s mum as a family (all three generations), the same SIL came back and said that they were spending it as a 'family' and when we had kids we'd understand why they didn't want to spend it with my future MIL!!!!! I will never understand their attitude and this has been the final straw for my OH, who now doesn't want to invite them at all.

I am now worried that a lot of the people we would love to invite to our wedding will not want to come as it's Christmas time and as some of my guests will have to travel from up north, I can totally understand that maybe cost will be an issue with accommodation etc. How do you go about booking a wedding venue this far in advance if you have no idea who is coming? Can you send out Save the Date cards and ask people to indicate if they might be coming? I'd really appreciate some advice please. The whole thing with the brother and SIL is really just to give you some background as to where my general concerns are coming from! Are they a good indication of what most of our guests will think?

Thanks.

PS We would be asking my fianc!'s young niece and nephew to be a bridesmaid and pageboy but if there parents aren't coming, they can't be. Do you think we should mention that is what we'd like to do in any future conversations about the wedding with my future BIL & SIL?

If you read the thread you've posted on you'll see that the consensus of opinion is do what you and your intended want and let others decide whether or not to come. If you try to get the perfect date and time for everybody then you'll come a cropper somewhere along the line.

Would you be asking your niece and nephew out of duty or because you want them there?

My OH's birthday is in very early January, and I've never been able to get everybody he'd like together for a party because of the timing (we now celebrate his birthday in June, lol :rotfl:). Everyone is busy or skint at that time. I'm not sure it's the best time to try and organise a big wedding to be honest.

If it's what you want to do, do it, and beggar the rest. IMO anyway.

New_to_Avon

mildred1978 wrote: »

If you read the thread you've posted on you'll see that the consensus of opinion is do what you and your intended want and let others decide whether or not to come. If you try to get the perfect date and time for everybody then you'll come a cropper somewhere along the line.

Would you be asking your niece and nephew out of duty or because you want them there?

My OH's birthday is in very early January, and I've never been able to get everybody he'd like together for a party because of the timing (we now celebrate his birthday in June, lol :rotfl:). Everyone is busy or skint at that time. I'm not sure it's the best time to try and organise a big wedding to be honest.

If it's what you want to do, do it, and beggar the rest. IMO anyway.

Thanks, thats kind of what we thought. It's not a big bash, we are trying to keep it at 40-50 people but last night we were wondering if we should just ask our parents, our siblings and leave it at that. It would sure save us a lot of money! :j

mildred1978

New_to_Avon wrote: »

Thanks, thats kind of what we thought. It's not a big bash, we are trying to keep it at 40-50 people but last night we were wondering if we should just ask our parents, our siblings and leave it at that. It would sure save us a lot of money! :j

I tell you what. That's exactly what I'd do (had I known then what I know now!). But doesn't that still give you the issue with the SIL?

New_to_Avon

mildred1978 wrote: »

I tell you what. That's exactly what I'd do (had I known then what I know now!). But doesn't that still give you the issue with the SIL?

I only have one brother (and a SIL), my fiance has two brothers we reckon the brother with the partner will come (moneys not an issue for him), the other brother and his family won't for whatever reason they choose to give us, so we can hold it when we want without offending anyone, cause they won't come anyway. Thats our theory anyway!

I'd love it if they would all come but I've been warned about this SIL right from the off (within the first few weeks of meeting my OH) so this reaction is totally in character unfortunately. Its such a shame as I think the children would love to be involved, they adore their Uncle (my OH).

nuatha

If it helps, our sequence of events was decide on the ideal date for us. Draw up a list of those people we really wanted there, ie the ones we would change the date to accommodate them being able to attend. Announce the engagement to that list together with a provisional date and check if they would be able to make it. Thankfully everyone said they'd make that date, even more thankfully the 1st choice registrar and venue was available at a suitable time (2pm).
We booked the date, let the aforementioned list know it was confirmed so they could plan flights/holidays etc. Within the fortnight we had booked a venue for the reception.
We had a minimum number from the above list, had some discussions about who else we'd like to invite and ensured the venue capacity would give us some headroom.
From (unanticipated) proposal to booking wedding was 40 hours and another 10 days to booking reception venue. Lead time for our guests was 15 months.

One possible drawback to a December wedding may be that a number of potential venues may be booking Christmas functions, hopefully less of a problem between Christmas and New Year.

New_to_Avon

Thanks you nuatha, that's actually really helpful! I said to my OH last night that instead of stressing, maybe we should just call people (important guests) and ask if they could make a certain date. I'm more convinced now that this might solve our dilemmas.

The venue is ok, we've checked out where we'd ideally like and they have availability, they are actually quiet so have potentially offered us a good deal to get the booking confirmed so far in advance!

I take my hat off to your speedy booking process, thats very impressive!

jtr2803

It's not for the same reason but we have actually split our wedding, we are having a mid week ceremony with the closest of family and best friends and then our reception a few weeks later for our wider circles.

I am so glad we did it this way, at first I was worried about the mid week ceremony but having spoken to everyone absolutely no one had any issues with this, it's Easter so my mum won't be working (she is a TA) and my daughter won't have to miss a day of school, FIL is retired and BIL is self employed so fits things in around dates he is away, my Brother and his girlfriend will be home from Uni, SIL works part time, BIL and his wife are both prison officers and have to work shift patterns so it would have made no difference if we had booked a weekend anyway. Both of our families are relatively small in the grand scheme of things but we just decided we were going to do it this way and would have understood if people couldn't make it.

I am very much in the camp of 'your wedding is only really important to you (and maybe your parents' but for a lot of wedding guests its just another wedding, even family members feel the same! That's why we chose to do what suited us

nuatha

New_to_Avon wrote: »

Thanks you nuatha, that's actually really helpful! I said to my OH last night that instead of stressing, maybe we should just call people (important guests) and ask if they could make a certain date. I'm more convinced now that this might solve our dilemmas.

Incidentally our important people list didn't include any of my family. By setting the criteria as people whose presence was important enough to us to change the date so they could be there, focussed our minds on what we wanted and why.

The venue is ok, we've checked out where we'd ideally like and they have availability, they are actually quiet so have potentially offered us a good deal to get the booking confirmed so far in advance!

Excellent.

I take my hat off to your speedy booking process, thats very impressive!

Thank you <fx bows>
I'd put a fair amount of thought into possibilities before I proposed. We've been together 12 years and work well together, I did suggest some dates that had some significance to us, she happened to choose my personal preference. We announced the news to her mum and best mate as they were in the house (proposal was in the garden). She was speechless for nearly an hour We realised a couple of hours later that her sister had the news all over facebook, which spurred us into acting. (The downside of proposing on 31st March is that some emails didn't get sent until after midnight, there were several people who had to be reassured it wasn't an April Fool)

Its your day, do what is important to you.
Good luck with it all

split_second

ooh good i have all this to come

our reception venue allows 40 day guests and 80 evening and charges a premium of about £40 per day guest.
no problem we thought, plenty that.

my cousins want invites, the same people that didnt know i was getting married until the first time in 10 years they saw me and i happened to be with someone they didnt recognise, or for that matter knew existed. they will probably decline, as it is they have i think 4 kids between them, no idea what their names are etc.

maybe i am a little bitter, they dont know what town i live in, and their parents (their mum is my dad's older sister) didnt even go and visit when my mum had a double stroke (they had no excuse, they live 5 miles away)

74jax

split_second wrote: »

the same people that didnt know i was getting married until the first time in 10 years they saw me and i happened to be with someone they didnt recognise, or for that matter knew existed.

they dont know what town i live in,

their parents (their mum is my dad's older sister) didnt even go and visit when my mum had a double stroke

Why would you even invite them? When you can invite people you see and love instead?