You soon learn how important you are

Faith177

Sometimes it is not what people say but the way they say it that can cause upset

mildred1978

Faith177 wrote: »

Sometimes it is not what people say but the way they say it that can cause upset

Perhaps an Internet forum, where you can't always be sure of the tone intended, is not the place for you.

I certainly didn't intend to upset you (or anyone else), but if you're going to have the wedding far away from everyone and not invite children this is what will happen. If your wedding is just about you and your husband-to-be, then what does it matter? If you want it to be a big family affair then you'll have to make it easy for people. That's life I'm afraid.

Torry_Quine

Faith177 wrote: »

I'm not relocating with him I am staying in Essex. Plus we will lose the deposits on everything so would be seriously out of pocket. Plus people have already book travel.

I know what the A9 is like I have been up & down it hundreds of times myself.

There isn't just the airport there is also the train station & bus station. One of the flights per day is actually to Birmingham International where the majority of people are coming from, another to Bristol (where the best man lives) & 3 from London.

It's a 10-12 hour drive from Essex to Inverness. So Birmingham would be about 8-10. Sorry got towns mixed up meant Tilehurst lol I can appriciate being that far away but when the same couple went to Spain for a week without their children it's a bit of a kick.

I'm just going to stop moaning now I wanted a little bit of a rant as I felt severly let down by a family I have done a lot for and now I feel like a horrible person for having the audacity to get married in a place of my choosing. I felt bad enough not inviting children and now I'm feeling even worst so thanks guys big thumbs up to those who know how to kick a girl when their feeling down!

I certainly didn't want to make you feel bad. Just trying to show why it may not be as straight forward as you think.

Of course you can get married in a place and time of your choosing and I hope that it all goes well but you have to accept that not everyone you invite will come for what may seem trivial reasons to you but presumably not to them.

lazer

mildred1978 wrote: »

Perhaps an Internet forum, where you can't always be sure of the tone intended, is not the place for you.

I certainly didn't intend to upset you (or anyone else), but if you're going to have the wedding far away from everyone and not invite children this is what will happen. If your wedding is just about you and your husband-to-be, then what does it matter? If you want it to be a big family affair then you'll have to make it easy for people. That's life I'm afraid.

And its impossible to make it every for easyone, as family are usually scattered around the place.

OP - I can see why you are upset, its the fact that you do things to please all these people, and be there for their special occassions etc, but they will not make the effort for your special occassions.
This is understandable, and i think you should remember it the next time you are invited to something, don't go to please them, only go if you really want to go.

Your wedding will still be amazing - you will be sorrounded by family and friends, and won't even notice who is not there.

Own_My_Own

I can understand that you feel let down by these people. But you will have a life of let downs if you think people should attend because you attended something they held. That is a little like tit-for-tat only the opposite. ( I'm not because you didn't). These people did not force you to attend anything you did not want to. In the future only go if you really want to.

Ps In 20 years time you wont care who was there.

Faith177

Thanks all sorry to be up and down just über sensitive at the min so not very thick skinned I'm not normally like this but haven't slept properly in a while and you know what that can do.

When i put the message up about being upset by some of the commens te person involved had just announced her wedding for the weekend before mine so probably another reason I felt upset

Sorry again guys

Going to have a drink after work and hopefully feel better tomorrow (here's hoping)

X

skateykatey

Faith177 wrote: »

Thanks all sorry to be up and down just über sensitive at the min so not very thick skinned I'm not normally like this but haven't slept properly in a while and you know what that can do.

When i put the message up about being upset by some of the commens te person involved had just announced her wedding for the weekend before mine so probably another reason I felt upset

Sorry again guys

Going to have a drink after work and hopefully feel better tomorrow (here's hoping)

X

First rule of weddings; go with the flow.:rotfl:You can't please everyone all of the time so just give up now and do what you want. The most important thing is that you and OH get married and it will be wonderful nonethless even if some random relative doesn't make it.

Enjoy yourself tomorrow. x

Just noticed that you get married the day before my birthday; now that's even more reason to invite me along! (have I persuaded you yet) Although I do feel honour bound to warn you that it snowed last year on my birthday up here so prepare yourself

*miaomiao*

We got some pretty lame excuses too. And most of them came in after we'd let them know months and months in advance, sent the formal invites and then they were all 'sorry, we can't make it after all'. I think I'd be okay with this normally, but to go to the expense of sending out the invites etc, it was a little lame that they could only let us know afterwards and after the RSVP date too meaning we had to contact them! GRRRR!

The most important things I have learned out of this experience are that you shouldn't give prior warning of your plans on who will be invited to your family - just send out the bloody things especially if you are paying for the wedding yourself, that the couple getting married don't necessarily want your suggestions so just politely say "I'm sure it's going to be lovely" because it's their wedding, and, if you can't make it, a polite "I'm sorry, but we can't make the wedding" is a lot nicer than them detailing their vacation plans overseas for the next year (3 bloody trips for one couple!!), or pretending it will take 18 hours to fly from Vancouver to London (it's 9 hours direct + cheapest). These were from the aunties too! Too much info especially after the hissy fits from other family members on who we 'HAD' to invite.

And we don't want kids at our wedding, so really I don't have sympathy. I have to put up with other people's kids and do so politely and nicely, but it's my wedding and we really couldn't care less about others' decisions to have kids. And it seems some parents are totally normal - they've booked a hotel babysitter or one babysitter to look after other kids. In fact, several parents said they were glad as they looked forward to an adults' evening!

Faith177

Miaomiao you sound like a lady after my own heart lol

Skaty I knew about the snow my mum took GREAT delight in winding my up over it she is in Westhill and can see all the mountains & hills so every April she gives me snow updates everyday until the end of April lol

New_to_Avon

I'm so glad I found this post, I'm having the same problems myself and was in need of advice so came looking on here. I'm sorry to hear the OP is having such problems but I can empathise!

We got engaged at the beginning of July and are not planning on getting married until December 2013, to give us time to save up. (I'm also completing a Masters in a few weeks and this Christmas would have just been too tight to organise everything) My family has its problems but is only small so I hope they will all come, regardless of where we have it or when. The problem lies with my fianc!'s family. We would like to have the wedding in between Christmas and New Year, in Bath. We live in Poole/Bournemouth and so do all of my fianc!'s family. (My family live in Essex but are happy to travel) My OH has two brother's, one married with young (11 & 7) children, the other has a partner who has older teenage children. My fianc! was so concerned that the brother with young children wouldn't come that he asked his SIL if they could make it, sometime between xmas and new year 2013. (against my better judgement but its his family so I took a step back) His SIL came back and said that we could have it between the 29th and 31st Dec, we couldn't have it the week before xmas because of getting ready for xmas (we wouldn't anyway) and we would (and I quote) "have to bend round them", as they would like to be there. Now, we go out of our way to be at their family gatherings, birthday parties etc, the same SIL & brother have not attended my fianc!s birthday parties for the last three years, haven't sent us an engagement card and if they do send a card its usually via my future-MIL. They blew the whole family off at xmas last year, saying they wanted to spend it as a 'family' (e.g. alone, just the four of them) and on Mothers Day this year when we offered to take out my fianc!'s mum as a family (all three generations), the same SIL came back and said that they were spending it as a 'family' and when we had kids we'd understand why they didn't want to spend it with my future MIL!!!!! I will never understand their attitude and this has been the final straw for my OH, who now doesn't want to invite them at all.

I am now worried that a lot of the people we would love to invite to our wedding will not want to come as it's Christmas time and as some of my guests will have to travel from up north, I can totally understand that maybe cost will be an issue with accommodation etc. How do you go about booking a wedding venue this far in advance if you have no idea who is coming? Can you send out Save the Date cards and ask people to indicate if they might be coming? I'd really appreciate some advice please. The whole thing with the brother and SIL is really just to give you some background as to where my general concerns are coming from! Are they a good indication of what most of our guests will think?

Thanks.

PS We would be asking my fianc!'s young niece and nephew to be a bridesmaid and pageboy but if there parents aren't coming, they can't be. Do you think we should mention that is what we'd like to do in any future conversations about the wedding with my future BIL & SIL?