Taking one step at a time-after death, before birth

ampersand

Dear, dear kavics - poet and km have said perfect things for you.
I echo them, but we all know that you are entirely alone with this overwhelming grief at this moment. This raw collision of so many searing, aching memories, should-be's, shatterings of heart... they are yours to uniquely know and here they are, all suddenly at once.
We stand round you, wanting to help, to sustain you both[for you are a loving and lovely Mum, no doubt of this] in our virtual way. We say we comprehend and you must sometimes feel it is impossible that we presume to say this, even when we mean well. It is part of the circle of living and dying, where allotted spans do not always measure out as they ought. It is the bittersweet glory of la condition humaine. We ARE blessed to know it, in all its variance, regardless of how lottery-cruel it sometimes seems.
I can't be alone in thanking you for writing and sharing so much as you have.
We are the privileged ones, but baby kavics even more so - and she does have so much of her papa and his love, always will, thanks to you.
Cry as you need; these are fertile tears. Bless you both.

kavics17

Oh my world, Keeping Motivated, you described it perfectly. Thank you.

Thank you, Poet and Amper too, I am so lost without him today. I really just want him back. I know I shouldn't see it this way as there is nothing I can do to change what happened but I just want to be selfish for once. I just want him for myself. I never ask for anything, I always worked for what I have so why can't I have him back. Why is it me who had to lose him? I don't wish this to anyone but I can't stop asking why me.

And the dream last night was so nice, I'm afraid to go to sleep in case it doesn't happen again but at the same time I'm looking forward to going to sleep as it might happen again. Tomorrow is another day, I need to pull myself together by morning time, baby kavics deserves some fun. And some food, she is a pro at weaning and loves loves her spoon and food. Appreciates of her broccoli and apple mostly. I shall treasure this.

Sun_Addict

Oh kavics I read your heartbreaking story a few weeks ago before I knew that just a short time later I would be starting my own nightmare with my OH (he has just been diagnosed with brain lymphoma). Although he can be treated for the time being he has now been in hospital for 3 weeks - and I miss him so much and our old life and why is life so unfair. So I can totally empathise with you. I can't bear the thought of losing him and the pessimist in me is breaking my heart. All you can do is take care of yourself and baby kavics and keep your OH's memory alive and remember all the good times you shared. Nothing can erase him from your heart. It's not fair what happened to you and nothing anyone says will make you feel better. Time alone will heal. I wish you all the luck in the world with your new start in life. You are still young and maybe one day you will meet someone nice to share your life with. You will never forget him but the pain will ease with time. Take care.

Keeping_Motivated

The wishing/yearning for things to be different and the bargaining and the 'what ifs' are all (although harrowing) a normal part of grief and as horrendous as it is no wonder! You loved him so much, you had plans, hopes and a life together... He died suddenly you had no time to 'prepare' none of your grieving was done before he died so its a physical and mental shock. Making funeral arrangements, bring pregnant, nurturing your baby have all been distractions to your grief too but unfortunately it doesn't go away it has to come and how and when it comes seems to be different for everyone. Please be kind to yourself in your times of crumbling and for forgive yourself your thoughts and actions and equally when you are able to have moments of coping and being 'ok' allow yourself them times too you deserve and need them to keep you strong xx

kavics17

Sun addict, huge hugs. It is overwhelming to think about what can happen, what will happen, hope you have support around you. You can always post on this thread, I'm here most days even if I don't post.

I didn't sleep well last night, unfortunately no dreaming for me. I feel better today, so far the tears haven't returned. I am seeing my brother soon, than friends, will try to keep busy. The removal truck arrived to its destination, in a week time I will be unpacking.

kavics17

Move happened. We are now in Hungary enjoying the weather. I have huge doubts but trying to be open minded. Baby kavics loves it here, she hasn't cried since we arrived. The visit to oh's family was overwhelming but they were so happy. The grandparents just cried and cried, they were so happy to see her. It was pouring though so the visit to the cemetery was short unfortunately. I miss him so much. I keep looking at people feeling jealous that they are in a relationship, that their little ones have their parents alive.

I have mixed feelings, just want to be able to get through May pretty soon. I can't believe it's been nearly a year. I am trying to keep busy, catching up with my cousins and siblings.

Buffythedebtslayer

hello!

I didn't know you had posted, work has been nuts and I haven't kept up at all!

hope you are doing ok in your new place (it has rained here ALL DAY- you aren't missing much in that regard!)

gentle hugs for you and the baby


Love Buffy xx

kavics17

Yesterday was the anniversary. It was a tough day but I got through it. My friends sent me amazing messages, they made me cry but reminded me how lucky I was to have them to support me in the past year. Baby kavics was in a good mood yeaterday, she truly is a medicine for me. Love her so much.

We are still with my parents but hopefully moving next weekend. Flat is nearly ready to move in than new chapter can start again.

kavics17

I guess there is time for another update.

We have been in our flat now since the end of May, it's still not perfectly ready but not much needs to be done thankfully. The area is lovely, we are right by the river so going for a walk every day and enjoying the views. Playgrounds are quite far away but at least we have something to do every day.

It is very hard to start over and I'm very much missing everybody back in the UK. I only met one girl who could potentially be a friend later in life, her little girl is 2 months older than baby kavics. People are not very friendly and to be honest i'm very vary of them as well, trying to be careful who to trust.

Spending time with family is great, my nieces and nephews are just amazing and it was so worthwhile to move back here and see them interact with each other. My parents are great and so are my siblings, I'm very lucky to have their support.

As for baby Kavics, she is 9 months old already. She has 4 teeth, nearly crawling and looks just like my OH. Even her personality is similar, she is cheeky, funny, inpatient, determined. She makes me so so happy, I am so in love with her. She is very porky, she loves her food a lot.

And me? I'm sad and lonely. There I said it. The move made me even more emotional and I am not sure that this was the right thing to do. One hand yes, family is so important but I am not content here just yet. I guess it's still early. Lots of DIY brought out my grief even more, missing him so much but it's getting now better thankfully. We are back in the UK in October for a visit, so countdown has started already.

chevalier

Thanks so much for coming back and updating us. It is good to know things are progressing, even if it is tough at times.

Just remember that where you are now doesn't HAVE to be forever. It just has to be ok for now
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