Taking one step at a time-after death, before birth

ampersand

Dear kavics - thankyou for posting this.

You have expressed with clarity and courage the minutiae of this aching loss and it is one many of us will recognise.

If we can come some way to sharing your heartbreak as privileged virtual friends, you have us with you. Dear lady, dear little one - we embrace you in your family closeness.

We cannot alleviate this phase for you, but Healing DOES come - I promise.
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kavics17

Baby Kavics is 4 months old, she is a chubster, 15 pounds already. She is funny, annoying, sweet, kissable. She is mine. I am forever grateful for that.

I feel better, not ok still but better. Just received the dna result so now can move forward and put him on birth certificate. Need to get a court order first.

I was hesitating about pulling out from my ou course, I was so low but than asked for extension and submitted something. I must go on even if I do feel sorry for myself. I have to do better next time.

kavics17

Court papers submitted, fee paid. I need to wait for the judge to get back to me as they never had a case like this. I am thankful for that as it means that most babies get to have their daddies on the birth certificate.

My Lloyds account once again will be closed in a couple of days so I need to change the direct debits. A hussle but have to do it.

My March Madness challenge is going well, made £230 on ebay this month. I posted everything and still have a couple of things I need to flog.

ampersand

Well done kavics - Easter comes[even if Spring and all it implies have not, yet]and it may be you can let some sorrow and joy mingle then.

Dealing with the Bank bits is another focussed goal ticked off.

Sending you both more hugs, empathy and snugness - with a fair bit of chocolate for this w/e after a well-buttered Hot Cross bun and coffee. Substitute to suit!

Hoping you have a Waitrose Branch not too far when I say make sure you have a My Waitrose card to enjoy their free daily drink stop occasionally - and have baby kavics on hand to receive due praise:-)

http://www.waitrose.com/content/wait...e_welcome.html
Pauses like this in your day are good.

kavics17

Insomnia sucks. Big time. Especially when your little girl is snoozing away.

So as of today I no longer have a Lloyds account. Strange as I have had it in the past ten years and I had all my Loans connected to that account. No more, end of an era. End of another one.

Everything is coming together, I packed plenty of boxes but still many more to come. Sorting out and getting rid of things are not enjoyable, I tend to keep things or move them back from charity pile aft a day or two. I must get better. I also keep buying thing which are much cheaper here or not available back at home, not helping with the packing though. I put many things on ebay and made over £300 in March. I still have more to list but feeling rather lazy.

Baby girl is so funny, I am so lucky to have her. Her crying finally eased, she is in general a happy baby with the odd outburst. Some days she looks like me but most of the time she is still like my OH. I am taking her to Poland to see her family there en route to Hungary, I am dreading it, dreading how I will feel when I go to the cemetery. I miss him so much, I so wish he could be here with us. No news from the court, I have a feeling I won't be able to sort the birth certificate out before we go.

kavics17

3 weeks till the move, eeek. It's getting closer, there are boxes everywhere. I keep taking things out of the boxes than putting them back into another ones. I am still very scared of moving but I know I need to do it. I am having a leaving do next Saturday, first time I'm leaving baby Kavics with a babysitter.

Baby Kavics is doing well although I am really worried about her hip. The left one is very stiff and she only kicks with her right leg. We are doing physio every week but the referral from hospital still hasn't come through yet for a scan. They tried to chase it up but we are getting nowhere. My mum booked us a private one so at least I know she will be looked at properly in 3 weeks time.

His birthday is coming up at the end of this month, I feel very emotional. It is also the day I am leaving the flat, and stay with friends. Will be hard:(.

jwil

Good luck with the move and hope you have a nice leaving do.

It must be very hard with your OH's birthday coming up, I hope the day isn't too difficult for you.

Hope baby Kavics' hip is ok as well.

kavics17

Time for another update. Today was not a good day. The removal van came yesterday and took all my things away so there is only the bare minimum in the flat. It really brought out the emotions and at one point I couldn't stop crying. I miss my OH so much, I miss everything about him. I miss my life with him, I miss sharing my bed with him, I miss him. Yes, we created baby kavics who is the most important person in my life but it is just not fair.

Last night was the first night of dreaming about him. I so wanted to dream straight after he died but couldn't. And last night it came and took me by surprise. I was happy. Not so much in the morning. Also today was the first day I could say it aloud twice that he passed away. To two people who used to know him. I cried and cried. Grief has overtaken me once again.

3 more days and he would have turned 36. He supposed to get a present from his daughter. I supposed to bake a cake for him. In reality I will be leaving our flat and stay with my friend. I will be sending some balloons with baby kavics. And I will be crying. I will have a friend with me during the day so baby girl will be taken care of but I will need to cry. For him. For us.

6 more days and I will visit his grave. For the first time since he passed away. I have mixed feelings, just glad my parents will be there and take baby girl away if I have a meltdown. I know I will have.

And 4 more weeks till anniversary. I can't and don't even want to think about it. A year without him. Sounds so long but it feels like it was yesterday.

I need him back. I want him back. I want to be selfish and have him back with me.

Not a happy post but than I haven't felt so low before. I'm coping. I'm coping because of baby girl who makes me happy. But she is in bed now and I need to cry and let it out. The move, the dream, the changes, the friends who didn't hear he died, his birthday, the visit to his grave, the anniversary. Too many things happening at the same time....

poet123

Oh Kavics, you are allowed to crumble when you need to. No one can stay strong all the time in the face of such overwhelming grief. Allow yourself to grieve, it is the way it is. Be kind to yourself, you have come so far in the last year. Take care.

Keeping_Motivated

Someone once described grief as like falling down a waterfall then into a storm in the sea where you feel like you will drown. Occassionally the storm subsides and the water calms enough for you to cling on to a raft and get some air but then the storm returns and its time to cling on again and hope that this time it doesn't last as long.. Almost like when a wave of grief comes its batten down the hatches and cling on til it passes again...Eventually land does appear in the distance and I hope for you and baby girl you eventually can step on that land and feel whole again while never forgetting your man and come to some acceptance that (although you will never be happy he was taken away too soon) you are powerless over him dying but you have the power to create a happy future with his memories along side you xxx