Taking one step at a time-after death, before birth

kavics17

Time for another update. Baby Kavics turned 1 yesterday, my teeny tiny baby turned into a toddler in such a short time. We had an amazing day, went to the Zoo in the morning and had cake and cousin over in the afternoon. It was all about her, playing with her and just making sure she knows how special she is. I am lucky to be her mummy.

Obviously I missed my OH more than ever. I often wonder what he would think of her, whether he approves my parenting or not and whether he would make different choices. Being a lone parent is very very hard and I am aware that although toddler Kavics is very balanced and happy, it could turn anytime. She will experience loss at one point and I will need to deal with that. How? I have no idea.

Other than that we are doing ok. Moving from one flat to another next week and looking forward to having a special christmas together. I have made friends, slowly I try to build up a social circle around me. I still don't think about going back to work, I am not ready for that. There are moments when I am still angry of him, of what happened and I still feel very lonely but the pain is not as sharp as it was a couple of months ago. It's been 18 months. I will leave this diary for now but wanted to give the lurkers an update how we are doing. MSE will always play a huge important part of my life but I'm trully hoping that I will not need to return for money related issues.

poet123

I have been touched by your story and your loss. I am really happy that you seem to be slowly coming out of the tunnel and rebuilding your life. I can only imagine how hard that must be. Please do keep us updated as and when it feels right. We may be anonymous words on a screen but many of us admire your strength of character and fortitude. I hope life keeps on improving and that you continue to draw comfort and love from your little girl. Best wishes x

kavics17

Obligatory update a year on. Toddler Kavics is 2 now and is really a clever and beautiful little girl. She is very stubborn and knows exactly what she wants, we have huge fights and tantrums. She loves her routine, her books, she Is very caring and she is not at all into pink thankfully. She is a real mixture of the two of us, I just can't imagine life without her.

She is in nursery now 6hours a day while I try to finish my studies with the Ou. Settling in was hard but now she is a chatter box and has friends. We are doing well on a day to day basis, finally got permission from the court to put her dad on her birth certificate and her inheritance is nearly sorted too.

We have no man in our lives unfortunately, after 2,5 years I think I am ready to have a relationship again. No opportunities though. Feeling rather lonely, and often wondering how it would be to be in a loving relationship. But Xmas is here soon and I can't wait, this year will be magical with her as she is already excited about father Xmas and the tree. That's it really, nothing changed apart from being a year older and wiser.

miffy257

kavics17 so pleased to read your update. You sound as if you are doing very well and being a wonderful mother to your daughter. Toddlers are such fun despite their tantrums. I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas and that 2015 brings great things into both your lives. Good Luck in all you do

mummytogirls

Wow Kavics can't believe your baby girl is now 2.. where does the time go?! xx

jwil

Lovely to hear from you again Kavics.

Toddler Kavics sounds like a little sweetie. It's great that you've finally managed to sort out her birth certificate and inheritance.

I can't imagine how hard it is to start dating again and wish you all the best with it.

I hope you and toddler Kavics have a lovely Christmas.

kavics17

Another year passed, another update for those who are interested.

Toddler Kavics is now mini Kavics, turned 3 last week. We have had huge tantrums over the year but she is coming out of them now thankfully. She is just beautiful and clever, very sweet. She speaks fluent English and Hungarian and amazes me every day. She likes horses and ponies, trains and cars. She is not into dollies or anything girlie but is very caring of her soft toys. She loves her nursery and made lots of friends. She adores her grandparent and her cousins and thinks that her daddy is the brightest star in the sky. She has lots of questions about him and is very proud that she has the same colour of eyes as him.

As for me, finally graduated. I'm in the middle of job hunting and trying to sort out the flat finally, fixing whatever needs to be fixed. Had dates and boyfriends this year but they didn't work out at all. I'm still single at the age of 36 and in a strange place where i have no idea whether happiness will ever find me again. i had 6 months of intensive grief therapy at the beginning of the year and although I still miss Leo I think I am able to move on.

So I guess life goes on, still not the update I really wanted to give but hopefully getting closer to it year by year.

Jox

Thanks for the update kavics and congratulations on graduating! Good luck with your lovely little girl and finding love, wishing you every happiness x

LAM2011

HI Kavics, I think of you from time to time when I log into the forum - I remember the hell you went through. I am sure when the time is right you will move on. Cant believe your 'baby' is 3. So glad that she is there to put love in your life and congrats on the graduation - fabulous achievement. x

jwil

Lovely to hear from you. Little Kavics is a beauty! I can't believe she's 3. It's lovely that she's so curious about her Daddy.

Congratulations on your graduation, and I'm sure you will find the happiness you deserve xx