In complete despair :(

Seanymph

You didn't audition so well for the position of 'boyfriend' huh?

Oh well, next time you'll be a bit more picky and I'm sure it will turn out better. This time? Well, he sounds like a complete plank - good job you found out before he damaged your children, and your unborn child with his self indulgence, temper, and selfish approach to life.

FBaby

I think you have an incredible awareness of the situation as it is and that will get you through it. In the end, the 'error' about the whole situation is how quickly it went.

Besides the fact that he does appear as if this man has an issue with control, his reaction is nothing surprising. He broke up with the mother of his children he still had feelings for, missed his kids tremendously, meets another woman that throws him out of his socks, he is trying to adjust to the intensity of the feelings with probably mix of excitment of moving on happily and utter fear of where it is going, and then you annouce you are pregnant, clearly putting an added spin to it all as he is now officially committed to you. It unsurprisingly all got to him in the end and it is highly likely that he went back to his ex because he craved the familiarity and comfort of it rather than embarking in something new, unknown and of which he had little control.

To be fair, if it wasn't for the baby, his actions wouldn't seem so bad. It would be a case of a man that has a break from his family for whichever reason, meets someone casually, move with them quickly for convenience, and after 3 months decide that it isn't right and want to go back to his wife. No different to what many men do.

Unfortunately, you fell deep into it and ended up with a baby, so the outcome is much more emotional then it would have been otherwise. My heart goes to you. It is so devastating to lose the person you are so madly in love with, along with the dreams of reforming a happy family and being 'normal'. That added the anxiety of finding yourself alone with a family to raise, but as you wrote, you will get through it, the pain will ease, and the happiness of seeing your baby developped will take over.

Don't think of the future at the moment, it is way too premature. I'm sure you will have learnt that next time, you will need to take things slower and maybe look into another method of contraception. You are young and have time to meet someone with whom you can build the foundation of a solid relationship. In the meantime, you need to focus on being strong. If this man come back to your life and you just can't push him away, at least impose some strong limits to protect yourself from the pain of being left again. Don't let him move in with you, don't help him financially, and don't give him all your heart and trust, all these he would have to earn in time.

mianjakesmummy

Seanymph wrote: »

You didn't audition so well for the position of 'boyfriend' huh?

Oh well, next time you'll be a bit more picky and I'm sure it will turn out better. This time? Well, he sounds like a complete plank - good job you found out before he damaged your children, and your unborn child with his self indulgence, temper, and selfish approach to life.

oh tell me about it! i guess i just got so sucked in to all his lies and he was a completely different person when we met, full of promises loving, caring etc etc. next time (if ever) will be a completely different story! my guard will not be down so easily almost to a point where i do feel sorry for anyone who may come into my life and have to try and repair that damage!

i am so up and down at the moment and i know that will go on for a while, today im feeling good! i have the tunes as loud as they will go, the motivation to get some housework done and i do know im better off without him but i do still miss the good side of him.

last night was the first time i slept in the bed without him (stayed on the sofa the first night) and i thought i would struggle with sleep, but went to sleep about midnight and straight through until 7.30 with only 1 dream i can remember ish about him lol

i can feel the old me coming back ever so slowly which is good! i always was a fighter and never used to take crap from anyone, i am suprised at how much i changed with him. now is the time for me and my children

a big part of me does want him to come back i wont deny that but i know i will never be able to trust him again, i know he has cheated on his ex throughout his relationship with her and a leapard never changes their spots and that. i think another part of me wants him to come back just so i can tell him to do one lol.

im in no way keeping his father involved to leave the door open for him to come back - i think its more of giving him a chance to know whats happening and how the baby is doing more than anything and his father will be the grandad its only right if he wants to know my child, its not wholey his fault that his son turned out to be such a tool

his ex also knows that he cheated on her several times and has taken him back every time, i'll be damned if i'll ever be that much of a walk over lol he will have the shock of his life if he thinks he can come back and i will just roll over and take his crap again :cool:

i did fall in love with the guy i mean when it was good it was really good but he was so self absorbed, he used to say he was in touch with his feelings and i would laugh with my mother that he was in touch with his feelings but didnt give a crap about anyone elses. when anything happened he would always say how he felt and i would say how i felt then i would get accused of making it all about me lol!! i would always find myself apologising then, i dont need that rubbish, me and my children deserve a whole lot better!!

i know times are going to be hard and there will be times i remember the good things and break down but i just need to be strong and focus on the many more reasons why i am better off without

i big mean part of me hopes that he does become miserable and realises what he lost - i was the best thing to happen to him he will realise that one day when its too late

londonsurrey

If it helps, he already sounds miserable. What he doesn't lack just yet is hope. As he gets older, if he continues in this vein, he's not actually going to achieve a successful partnership, end up with his children looking down on him, disrespecting him, and him wondering why everyone is so awful to him.

kazwookie

Change the door locks to make sure he cannot get back in

And good luck

krlyr

mianjakesmummy wrote: »

oh tell me about it! i guess i just got so sucked in to all his lies and he was a completely different person when we met, full of promises loving, caring etc etc. next time (if ever) will be a completely different story! my guard will not be down so easily almost to a point where i do feel sorry for anyone who may come into my life and have to try and repair that damage!

I imagine it's very tough as it was such a quick progression of your relationship - he's probably been the great guy for a larger proportion of it than he's been the bad guy, but remind yourself that it's only because he hasn't stuck around to play the bad guy for long enough! The 'quick involvement' can be common in abusive relationships, going to the extremes of playing a very loving, very devoted partner to gain control.

http://labmf.org/facts/warning_signs
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

mianjakesmummy

krlyr wrote: »

I imagine it's very tough as it was such a quick progression of your relationship - he's probably been the great guy for a larger proportion of it than he's been the bad guy, but remind yourself that it's only because he hasn't stuck around to play the bad guy for long enough! The 'quick involvement' can be common in abusive relationships, going to the extremes of playing a very loving, very devoted partner to gain control.

http://labmf.org/facts/warning_signs
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

wow, that is actually quite scary - ive taken a look at those links and so much in there i could relate to him, i never really related anything he did (apart from the car thing) as domestic abuse but my god, i can see that it would have only just got worse.

i saw myself change during the relationship - i would get accused of looking at other guys and found myself staring at the floor when out walking or at my feet whenever he was driving - thats not me, i never look around at men to check them out anyway lol

i was beaten by a previous partner years ago and as soon as that happened i left him there was no way i wanted to put up with that, i am just shocked as to when the car incident happened i didnt think anything of it and thought he did it by accident *roll eyes*

BitterAndTwisted

You have had a very lucky escape indeed. Now think about what having a life-long connection to this man will mean for you and your children

sassyblue

mianjakesmummy wrote: »

wow, that is actually quite scary - ive taken a look at those links and so much in there i could relate to him, i never really related anything he did (apart from the car thing) as domestic abuse but my god, i can see that it would have only just got worse.

Sorry you're having a rubbish time of it mummy... I hope you remember what you've said in this thread and stay away from this man because you know what, a few weeks, months down the line l can see him getting back in touch with you when the other relationship goes wrong. ETA: I can see l'm not alone in thinking that!

Just because you're having his baby you owe him NOTHING. Cut him loose and bring up your children in a happy home.

miss_marsters

:grouphug:

Hugs to you... What a whirlwind!

I think the clincher would be his other children - its a tough call (and unfair on the kids if their mother took them away without good reason!)

He clearly wants to be close to them and like alot of men, would return to the Ex to do this.
But, if there were such clear issues from the start, then your better out of it, controlling issues rarely get betterand unfortunetly as everyone knows can get alot worse...

You need to concentrate on yourself and your children, if he doesnt want to be in the baby's live then more fool him.

Protect your life and your heart x