In complete despair :(

mianjakesmummy

hey everyone, i will apologise in advance cause this will probably be a long post

i was with my husband for nearly 10 years, married for 7 when we split earlier this year this was my choice as there were simply no feelings there, we tried to work things out many times but we had just run our course.

A short while after I met a guy who had recently split from a girl he had 3 children with and we fell in love (or rather i fell for him, i have no idea what i meant to him now) we had talked about lots of things to do with the future and i had never felt this connection with anyone else, he did say he felt the same.

He moved in fairly quickly (i know i know *forehead smack*) and would travel approx 75 miles each way to work a day to his business, his business was a bit slow a while into our relationship so i started to pay for everything.

During the time we were together he would always have massive arguments with his ex as she refused to let him see his children although he would call them every morning and evening but there was no love lost between them.

He was always very very possesive with me and would accuse me of looking at other men (ie driving in the car if i looked at another car with a guy in it for more than a split second would result in a huge row), made me delete male friends from facebook and got really funny and demanded all of my ex's stuff removed from the house, i missed the odd one or two things and that would blow up into a huge row with him accusing me of still having feelings for my ex. (not a chance)

A couple of weeks into the reationship his ex moved 400 miles away with his 3 children.
About 2 months in to the relationship i started getting really moody, just thought it was that time of the month as i was on the pill but took a test anyway when i was late and yup you guessed it - i am pregnant. i told him straight away and while he was initially shocked he loved the idea, told anyone who was in ear shot, his kids, his ex, my kids (boy 5 and girl 8 from the ex hb) and even announced it on his fb an icked baby names!

His ex a few days after finding out sent him a text declaring how she was still in love with him and wanted him back so they could be a family, then he said he had to be nice in his texts to her in the hope that she would let him see his kids. All the way through he told her that he was happier now and stuff and never gave me any indication that he still had feelings for her.

2 weeks ago his ex was poorly and agreed to let him have his kids for a weekend, so we drove the 400 miles to pick them up and came back - spent the weekend with them doing activities and such, then on the sunday he had to take them back, he was down about it as you would expect but i couldnt go on the journey back to support him as my children were due back from their dads halfway through the day.

So off he goes on his own, texting me all the way up until a point, then i didnt hear anything for over two hours when he eventually text me to say that he didnt feel right leaving the kids and coming back to me. after a good couple of hours talking he eventually drove back, but it turned out during that two hours he was talking to his ex telling her he still had feelings for her, so for the next few days we had her hassling trying to get him back, him being all confused cause he didnt know if he wanted to go back cause he missed the kids and me sitting there listening to him tell me all what he was feeling (not a very nice position!!!)

he decided it was because of the kids and stayed with me but something felt off, we did talk about me being pregnant and he told me he wasnt ready so i explained to him that if i had an abortion it would seriously mess my head up as i was completely against abortions but i would if i had his support, i went to the docs the next day and they refered me, when i got back in all i wanted him to do was hug me but he ket sniping about stupid little things.

last saturday i caused an argument with him to give him an excuse to go back to the kids as i thought that was what he wanted but he ended up taking too much medication and i told him to come back when we argued some more and he tried taking more of an overdose on anti depressants, he ended up only taking three and i knocked the rest out of his hand. he went to get in the car and being on far too much medication i put my arm into the window to take the key out of the ignition, at which point he wound the window up on my arm (which has left me with some very impressive bruising and also have lots of different grab bruises where he was dragging me out of the car) i then started getting cramps and then he shouted at me that if i killed his baby he would hate me. (nice when you have had 2 m/c's in the past) we ended up talking things through and i told him i couldnt go through with the abortion.

Things seemed ok until yesterday when he woke up and said he really missed his kids and felt like he had a big hole. he went to work and then when he got back he called the ex which i got angry with then he said he was going for a drive, by the time he came back he was dead set on going back to her so i wasnt going to beg him to stay. when he left i asked him if he wanted me to let him know anything about the baby and he just said yeah if you want to but you know she will make me change my number.

But this leads me to my situation now, i am absolutely heartbroken because i fell head over heels for the guy, he is now 400 miles away back with his kids happy that the hole has gone and no one can get hold of him because his phone is going straight to answerphone so im guessing he's already changed his number. i dont think his ex would let him have anything to do with me anymore even with me expecting his child, i honestly dont think she would allow him to see the baby either.

His dad called me today and basically said he was a joke and he shouldnt have gone back and that i am best of without him in my life, i did ask him if he wanted to be updated with what happens with the baby as it would still be his grandchild and he said yes, so i guess in a way if he is kept updated and the ex does want to find anything out then he will be able to do that through his dad.

Some parts of the time i am ok and i feel like im dealing with things but 2 or 3 times today i have broken down in tears. i have had my family around me today and friends too they have all been so supportive and then the time came to put the kids to bed, my hone then goes quiet and im not speaking to anyone to take my mind off things and i start getting worried about the future, really feeling the pain of heartache, so i come on here and spend 45 mins writing this.:(

i dont really know why as there isnt really any questions but if im focussing on the bad things and venting it makes the pain a little bearable.
i also worry about being on my own but i know ill cope if you know what i mean, i think its worry about finding someone else in the future and letting my barriers down to get hurt again, not many decent men would really want a single mum of 3 fast approaching 30 would they??

i think ive accepted that he's not coming back, i also worry about all this recent stress and how it has affected the baby and i am so desperately afraid that i may lose this baby which would devastate me,
but then i look forward to the fact that i will have alot more money without having to pay for all his fuel and everything else (he wanted me to get out a 3k loan in my name too! luckily enough i wasnt that stupid!) and thinking i will now have the time to focus on my two children a bit more (they go out their dads every friday through to sunday so i only ever see them for a short while during the week before they have to go to bed)

ah well if you've got this far im so sorry its so long but i needed to get it all out, please feel free to tell me how much of an idiot i was to believe this guy was my knight in shining armour when all he was, was a t**t in tin foil

Yorkie1

mianjakesmummy wrote: »

hey everyone, i will apologise in advance cause this will probably be a long post

i was with my husband for nearly 10 years, married for 7 when we split earlier this year this was my choice as there were simply no feelings there, we tried to work things out many times but we had just run our course.

A short while after I met a guy who had recently split from a girl he had 3 children with and we fell in love (or rather i fell for him, i have no idea what i meant to him now) we had talked about lots of things to do with the future and i had never felt this connection with anyone else, he did say he felt the same.

He moved in fairly quickly (i know i know *forehead smack*) and would travel approx 75 miles each way to work a day to his business, his business was a bit slow a while into our relationship so i started to pay for everything.

During the time we were together he would always have massive arguments with his ex as she refused to let him see his children although he would call them every morning and evening but there was no love lost between them.

He was always very very possesive with me and would accuse me of looking at other men (ie driving in the car if i looked at another car with a guy in it for more than a split second would result in a huge row), made me delete male friends from facebook and got really funny and demanded all of my ex's stuff removed from the house, i missed the odd one or two things and that would blow up into a huge row with him accusing me of still having feelings for my ex. (not a chance)

A couple of weeks into the reationship his ex moved 400 miles away with his 3 children.
About 2 months in to the relationship i started getting really moody, just thought it was that time of the month as i was on the pill but took a test anyway when i was late and yup you guessed it - i am pregnant. i told him straight away and while he was initially shocked he loved the idea, told anyone who was in ear shot, his kids, his ex, my kids (boy 5 and girl 8 from the ex hb) and even announced it on his fb an icked baby names!

His ex a few days after finding out sent him a text declaring how she was still in love with him and wanted him back so they could be a family, then he said he had to be nice in his texts to her in the hope that she would let him see his kids. All the way through he told her that he was happier now and stuff and never gave me any indication that he still had feelings for her.

2 weeks ago his ex was poorly and agreed to let him have his kids for a weekend, so we drove the 400 miles to pick them up and came back - spent the weekend with them doing activities and such, then on the sunday he had to take them back, he was down about it as you would expect but i couldnt go on the journey back to support him as my children were due back from their dads halfway through the day.

So off he goes on his own, texting me all the way up until a point, then i didnt hear anything for over two hours when he eventually text me to say that he didnt feel right leaving the kids and coming back to me. after a good couple of hours talking he eventually drove back, but it turned out during that two hours he was talking to his ex telling her he still had feelings for her, so for the next few days we had her hassling trying to get him back, him being all confused cause he didnt know if he wanted to go back cause he missed the kids and me sitting there listening to him tell me all what he was feeling (not a very nice position!!!)

he decided it was because of the kids and stayed with me but something felt off, we did talk about me being pregnant and he told me he wasnt ready so i explained to him that if i had an abortion it would seriously mess my head up as i was completely against abortions but i would if i had his support, i went to the docs the next day and they refered me, when i got back in all i wanted him to do was hug me but he ket sniping about stupid little things.

last saturday i caused an argument with him to give him an excuse to go back to the kids as i thought that was what he wanted but he ended up taking too much medication and i told him to come back when we argued some more and he tried taking more of an overdose on anti depressants, he ended up only taking three and i knocked the rest out of his hand. he went to get in the car and being on far too much medication i put my arm into the window to take the key out of the ignition, at which point he wound the window up on my arm (which has left me with some very impressive bruising and also have lots of different grab bruises where he was dragging me out of the car) i then started getting cramps and then he shouted at me that if i killed his baby he would hate me. (nice when you have had 2 m/c's in the past) we ended up talking things through and i told him i couldnt go through with the abortion.

Things seemed ok until yesterday when he woke up and said he really missed his kids and felt like he had a big hole. he went to work and then when he got back he called the ex which i got angry with then he said he was going for a drive, by the time he came back he was dead set on going back to her so i wasnt going to beg him to stay. when he left i asked him if he wanted me to let him know anything about the baby and he just said yeah if you want to but you know she will make me change my number.

But this leads me to my situation now, i am absolutely heartbroken because i fell head over heels for the guy, he is now 400 miles away back with his kids happy that the hole has gone and no one can get hold of him because his phone is going straight to answerphone so im guessing he's already changed his number. i dont think his ex would let him have anything to do with me anymore even with me expecting his child, i honestly dont think she would allow him to see the baby either.

His dad called me today and basically said he was a joke and he shouldnt have gone back and that i am best of without him in my life, i did ask him if he wanted to be updated with what happens with the baby as it would still be his grandchild and he said yes, so i guess in a way if he is kept updated and the ex does want to find anything out then he will be able to do that through his dad.

Some parts of the time i am ok and i feel like im dealing with things but 2 or 3 times today i have broken down in tears. i have had my family around me today and friends too they have all been so supportive and then the time came to put the kids to bed, my hone then goes quiet and im not speaking to anyone to take my mind off things and i start getting worried about the future, really feeling the pain of heartache, so i come on here and spend 45 mins writing this.:(

i dont really know why as there isnt really any questions but if im focussing on the bad things and venting it makes the pain a little bearable.
i also worry about being on my own but i know ill cope if you know what i mean, i think its worry about finding someone else in the future and letting my barriers down to get hurt again, not many decent men would really want a single mum of 3 fast approaching 30 would they??

i think ive accepted that he's not coming back, i also worry about all this recent stress and how it has affected the baby and i am so desperately afraid that i may lose this baby which would devastate me,
but then i look forward to the fact that i will have alot more money without having to pay for all his fuel and everything else (he wanted me to get out a 3k loan in my name too! luckily enough i wasnt that stupid!) and thinking i will now have the time to focus on my two children a bit more (they go out their dads every friday through to sunday so i only ever see them for a short while during the week before they have to go to bed)

ah well if you've got this far im so sorry its so long but i needed to get it all out, please feel free to tell me how much of an idiot i was to believe this guy was my knight in shining armour when all he was, was a t**t in tin foil

I don't think you're an idiot at all, if it's any consolation

I guess we all go into relationships with the best of intentions and hopes, and we open our hearts to people. And sometimes it goes pear-shaped

So sorry to hear how much you're hurting; you've been on a huge emotional rollercoaster over the last few weeks (didn't quite catch the timescale) and I imagine that is likely to continue for a little while yet.

To be honest, from what you've written, I think you're probably out of it. He sounds incredibly controlling, which is never a good basis for a long term relationship. He also sounds as though he may have the potential for violence given what happened at the car window, and for instability given the attempted overdose.

On one level I suspect that everything just went far too fast for him - the break up of his relationship, the move of his ex and the children, the moving in with you, your pregnancy. I am not excusing his actions, but that's a lot of life changes to process.

He's now made his choices and at least you've got his dad on side for the future.

I don't have a lot of helpful advice to offer but also didn't want to run without replying.

chelldavies

Didn't want to read and run.

Big hugs to you. Hang in there, it will get better eventually.

Can't offer any practical advice other than take care of yourself and make full use of the support you have around you.

Sounds like your well rid and once you've had time to process and accept it all I'm sure you'll be relieved to be out of it.

Good luck hun

mianjakesmummy

Yorkie1 wrote: »

I don't think you're an idiot at all, if it's any consolation

I guess we all go into relationships with the best of intentions and hopes, and we open our hearts to people. And sometimes it goes pear-shaped

So sorry to hear how much you're hurting; you've been on a huge emotional rollercoaster over the last few weeks (didn't quite catch the timescale) and I imagine that is likely to continue for a little while yet.

To be honest, from what you've written, I think you're probably out of it. He sounds incredibly controlling, which is never a good basis for a long term relationship. He also sounds as though he may have the potential for violence given what happened at the car window, and for instability given the attempted overdose.

On one level I suspect that everything just went far too fast for him - the break up of his relationship, the move of his ex and the children, the moving in with you, your pregnancy. I am not excusing his actions, but that's a lot of life changes to process.

He's now made his choices and at least you've got his dad on side for the future.

I don't have a lot of helpful advice to offer but also didn't want to run without replying.

thanks for your post yorkie yes this did go very very fast, all this in just over 3 months i dont tink im completely angry at him for going back, i think its more at myself for believing he wouldnt and believing his promises, and ust believing the fairytale really.
but yeah i really do think he is incredibly controlling, i found myself walking around looking at the ground so he wouldnt accuse me of looking at anyone

all i keep thinking about is how he must be now and if he has forgotten me already or if he is missing me as much as i miss him even with all the drama along the way

raven83

What a sad story:(, but if you ask me I think you have had a lucky escape because he sounds like a right !!!!!! and you deserve a lot better. Please do not be tempted to take him back because he will never ever change.

Try and take each does as it comes and concentrate on the baby and your children, you sound like you have a lot of people around you that care so that is a very positive thing:).

One word of advice though, you mention finding someone else in the future, please do not rush to find someone, please just learn to be happy as you are and not run into another toxic relationship, because one day when you least expect it you will find someone who treats you as you deserve and who will make you happy but don't be in a hurry to try and find it, let it find you. In the meantime, embrace being single, be strong, learn to get by one your own, be the best mum that you can and you will be and feel so much better for it!

I wish you luck with everything.

Ellejmorgan

Have the baby and forget him, raise the baby well without his help...

Next time though, when dating keep your kids separate from a man until you know him inside out, this is all too much too soon..

You must be strong, keep away from this bloke, you need your strength and energy, he will just take it all...

It is hard raising a baby alone, I'm doing it and have done since my little one was a few weeks old, but you can do it...

Keep calm and focus your energies on what matters, your kids and a healthy pregnancy....

thegirlintheattic

Hugs, I was with a guy very like this, luckily without the kids. Your best out of it, just remember that when he comes grovelling back in the future. I'm sure you'll be a great mum to your DC, and your DC will be better off without a on-again, off-again father.

jenhug

I would put money on him coming back. It is up to you on whether you let him but I reckon he is the sort to bounce back and forth for as long as you and the Mrs put up with it. She will probably be pregnant soon too, just you wait.

My advice?

Move, change your number and forget you knew him.

londonsurrey

The man's an idiot, and if you consider the actual dosages necessary with most medication for an actual death within the immediate future, they're massive.

Anything less than these huge amounts would result in merely organ damage and a painful prolonged death over days or weeks, in his case probably spent whinging about how it was everyone else's fault he was in this position.

You don't need an overgrown immature irresponsible drama llama in your life.

amyloofoo

:grouphug: As hard as it is, you have to stay strong now, for yourself and your children.

Like other posters, I think it's quite likely this man will come grovelling back. You don't need him in your life and your children certainly don't need him in their lives. Harness the same strength you used to break up with your ex, and use it to stay away from this waste of oxygen.

It's really positive that his father still wants to be involved with his grandchild, but please don't allow that contact to be an 'in' for your ex to get back in your life.

Sambucus_Nigra

I think you are well out of it; and I don't think putting up barriers to avoid this sort of situation is no bad thing.

I also think he will be back, you don't get rid of idiots like this that easily. Esp if you have feelings for him.