Viewing deceased 20 days after death??

BitterAndTwisted

rollnchips wrote: »

Reading this thread it seems like you all think it's the norm to have open coffins or viewings. There is a massive difference between seeing the person or discovering the person when they have just died, in comparison to artificially preserving their vanity via chemicals, scents and cosmetics.

I don't think preserving the person like that and having an open coffin gives the deceased the respect and dignity that as a human they deserve.

I don't think it is the norm here to have open coffins but I know it is in the USA. I went to friend's father's funeral and was horrified to see him as I wasn't told to expect the open coffin. It gave me nightmares for weeks seeing him obviously wearing lipstick like some kind of ventrilquist's dummy. *shudder*

And I don't see it as "preserving their vanity" in any way as I'm sure it's done to both preserve some dignity for the deceased and protect the onlooker's feelings.

I was with our mother when she died and was shocked at how quickly she ceased to look like herself, she became almost unrecognisable within minutes. Still, being there at the end was a king of blessing, as I really don't think I could have borne it to have seen her any longer after that. I'd had my closure.

I hope the poor man the OP is talking about has his. But I fear he may be traumatised.

geminilady

I have has two different experiences,I saw my mum just after she died and she looked peaceful just a blue tinge to her lips,then saw her nearly two weeks later after a pm and she looked nothing like my mum wish I had not gone the second time.My x husband died in hospital and myself and my 18 year old son went to see him,he looked like something from a horror film,I don't think it was an easy death and they had just left him as he was not closed his eyes or mouth or anything,I was so upset I complained would hate to think off other seeing the same thing but a few days later I had to go and identify him for the pm and he looked very peaceful

Tiddlywinks

rollnchips wrote: »

Reading this thread it seems like you all think it's the norm to have open coffins or viewings. There is a massive difference between seeing the person or discovering the person when they have just died, in comparison to artificially preserving their vanity via chemicals, scents and cosmetics.

I don't think preserving the person like that and having an open coffin gives the deceased the respect and dignity that as a human they deserve.

Most of the cosmetic treatment of the deceased is for the benefit of those that visit and view the body - it isn't at all about vanity. This has been explained already at length throughout this thread.

If the chap has not had a chance to see his wife since before she died then I can understand how he might feel the need to say goodbye on a personal level.

If 'chemicals, scents and cosmetics' make his visit any less traumatic then it will have been worth it - can't you see that?

rollnchips

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Most of the cosmetic treatment of the deceased is for the benefit of those that visit and view the body - it isn't at all about vanity. This has been explained already at length throughout this thread.

If the chap has not had a chance to see his wife since before she died then I can understand how he might feel the need to say goodbye on a personal level.

If 'chemicals, scents and cosmetics' make his visit any less traumatic then it will have been worth it - can't you see that?

Can you not see that some people are against artificially preserving a body and not just allowing the dead to rest in peace without being tarted up for supposedly their relatives and friends to hide the reality of decomposition?

poet123

rollnchips wrote: »

Can you not see that some people are against artificially preserving a body and not just allowing the dead to rest in peace without being tarted up for supposedly their relatives and friends to hide the reality of decomposition?

Don't you think a lot of older people in particular want that though?

Only the other day I was speaking to an elderly neighbour and we got onto the subject of funerals. She said her most worrying thought was that when she died they would not put her teeth back in and apply some make up to make her look more recognisable. She has given her niece instructions to make sure these things happened before she was viewed. My mother voiced similar thoughts before she died.

Tiddlywinks

rollnchips wrote: »

Can you not see that some people are against artificially preserving a body and not just allowing the dead to rest in peace without being tarted up for supposedly their relatives and friends to hide the reality of decomposition?

So, as this thread is actually about an elderly man wanting to see his wife nearly 3 weeks after her death (and not about your views on the general treatment of deceased persons) what would you suggest would help him through such a visit?

You would have him see his wife terribly changed beyond recognition? Leave him with an image he can never forget?

foreign_correspondent

I went to see my grans body just after two weeks after her death - If I'm honest, I didn't want to go, but my mum did, (it had been a long time because the funeral had been delayed as my mum had been in hospital), and I didn't want her to have to go and see my gran alone.

Before we went, the funeral assistant made sure she looked ok, I took her a set of clothes in, and a string of costume jewellery pearls that she liked to wear, so she looked a bit more like herself... she was quite clearly dead, not sleeping, as sometimes people say bodies appear to be.. the ends of her fingers were tinged blue, and she looked waxy, and somewhat 'dehydrated', but, it wasnt horrific.. I would rather not have seen her, but my mum was glad she had...

We all find these things different, but if the old boy wants to see her and say his goodbyes, I think it's between him and the funeral director to negotiate.

The funeral director needs to do his bit and make her look as acceptable as possible... sometimes taking photos of the person in as they were in life can help them do this. They can do a lot with makeup and way to build up distorted features I understand, maybe you could speak to the funeral director about this...?

Otherwise, all you can do is accompany him if you feel able (sit outside the room if needs be) and support him after. He has been around a long time, he will not be naive, he has been advised, but ultimately it is his decision, and I think he has to make his own mind up about this.

Poor chap though, how very, very sad for him. My condolences...

Person_one

aliasojo wrote: »

Can I ask, why lines would remain in any instance? Why wouldn't everything just be removed?

From TQ's link....

If lines are to remain, cut and spigot off any large-bore tubes and cover with gauze and adhesive dressing (Fig 6). Ensure that documentation alerts mortuary staff to their presence.

As, TQ said, lines have to remain in case the death is referred to the coroner. They shouldn't be removed until its absolutely certain the body will be going to a funeral home.

It can be upsetting for the family to see them, but we do what we can to make them less intrusive and prepare people for them. Its actually better sometimes anyway as drains, tracheostomies etc. would leave large oozing wounds if removed, which would probably look a lot worse even if they were dressed.

Person_one

rollnchips wrote: »

Can you not see that some people are against artificially preserving a body and not just allowing the dead to rest in peace without being tarted up for supposedly their relatives and friends to hide the reality of decomposition?

Its not compulsory, why would you want to stop somebody doing something that comforts them just because it wouldn't comfort you?

duchy

Dunroamin wrote: »

That was my experience as well, although the effect it had on me was to be reassured that my mum wasn't there and that I was just looking at her body.

I saw both my parents a matter of hours after each died -and my aunt a matter of minutes -and none of them looked like them. It confirmed my belief the essence of who we are leaves the body at the moment of death.

The thing I found shocking was leaning over and kissing my Dad and he'd obviously been chilled and was icy cold- I wasn't expecting that for some reason.

I don't think you can dictate that your kids can't see your body -as that can be cruel-some people need to say goodbye and should be allowed to decide for themselves if they need to see the body to do so.