Viewing deceased 20 days after death??

freyasmum

Deleted_User wrote: »

I have to say I am surprised that anyone would be persuaded to visit a deceased person against their will, let alone that persons child. If the said person is struggling to cope, how would they be expect to support their young child through it. :eek:

I have 12 aunts and uncles and over 80 cousins, some of whom have partners and children themselves. Then we had further extended family/friends visiting to pay their respects.

My sister and I were ensuring everyone was fed and had enough to drink, assisting my parents with the planning of the funeral and subsequent tea, coordinating and liasing with different people. My daughter was generally outside playing with the other little ones but she actually asked my mum if she could see her granny - whilst I was busy, I hasten to add. She had spent many days climbing into bed beside her and snuggling up, watching telly when she was alive. She didn't want to be just 'cut off'.

My mum was right beside the coffin at all times, she slept beside it for quite a few nights as well. My granny was her life, she was completely bereft. She needed support - and also, obviously drinks/food - and sometimes my dad wasn't enough, or was also busy planning. He was also devastated as my granny had been far more of a mother to him in the 28 years he'd known her than his own mother had been, and so he spent some time in his own, so as not to further upset my mum. He wanted to be strong for her.

I didn't like seeing her, but supporting my mother was far more important to me than my own feelings.

Mindless_Clone

I have to say, I get where this old gent is coming from. I "had" to see my late husband one last time before he was cremated. The last image I'd had of him was of him dying, which was traumatic and horrible. I wanted... needed... a more peaceful memory I suppose. I knew from past experience that he would not look exactly like he did (I'd seen two nans laid out on their death) but I needed the chance to see him and talk to him and just be with him alone one last time.
I saw him the night before the funeral and then again later as he came home to rest in our house that night - 16 days after he died. he had been post mortemed and had been in the morgue up until that day. No he didn't look quite like himself, he was changed and I could see signs of decomposition despite the undertaker's best efforts. Did it bother me? Well, no. Not really. To be quite frank, when you've lost the love of your life, absolutely nothing could be more upsetting than this. I doubt seeing his wife in such a state would really make a great deal of difference to the devastation he is feeling. So long as he's well aware there will be signs of decomposition and she won't quite look herself, then really, it's up to him to decide if he can handle it. And if goes and he can't, then it's up to everyone else to support him and help him come to terms with that afterwards.

I will admit, my father in law died on a boxing day years ago, due to the timing and the need to post mortem there was an extended period before he was released for burial; it was over a month if I remember. The undertakers strongly advised the family not to see him laid out. My sister in law was adamant she wanted to go see him laid out; we made a decision not to let her based on the undertaker's advice and her own husband's wishes and spent the entire day of the funeral "keeping her busy" so she didn't have time to go. Later she was really upset about this and I realised that, perhaps, it might have been kinder to have been truthful to her and given her the choice.

londonsurrey

Mindless_Clone wrote: »

My sister in law was adamant she wanted to go see him laid out; we made a decision not to let her based on the undertaker's advice and her own husband's wishes and spent the entire day of the funeral "keeping her busy" so she didn't have time to go. Later she was really upset about this and I realised that, perhaps, it might have been kinder to have been truthful to her and given her the choice.

Yes, I would have been furious if this had been done to me.
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. Our lives and our choices had been wrenched away from us.

His family initially told me that they would support me, "Anything you want" were their exact words. I learnt the very hard way was that they were all about being seen to be supportive and for me to do things the way they wanted, whilst it being all about "supporting me".

The last thing I needed was to battle to have my remaining choices fought against, let alone to have it done under the false assertion that it was about "supporting me and what I wanted".

peaceandfreedom

rollnchips wrote: »

Reading this thread it seems like you all think it's the norm to have open coffins or viewings. There is a massive difference between seeing the person or discovering the person when they have just died, in comparison to artificially preserving their vanity via chemicals, scents and cosmetics.

I don't think preserving the person like that and having an open coffin gives the deceased the respect and dignity that as a human they deserve.

It's all to do with ritual though. In Ireland, it is the norm to have an open coffin. After someone has died, they will spend a day/night in the family home in an open coffin. Family/friends/neighbours will drop in to pay their last respects and sympathise with the family. Often, someone stays in the room with the deceased all night. Note though that this is likely to be within 24 hours of the death - funerals in Ireland generally take place 2 days after death unless they delay it for family to get back from abroad.

I saw my first dead person when I was 10 - it was a school friend who was a couple of years younger. I remember touching her head as we filed passed the coffin and being shocked by how cold she was. I've seen many dead relatives since then, they never ever look like themselves, they always seem like statues to me. I've never lost any immediate family though and I can't imagine how it must feel to view the dead body of someone dearly loved. I am sure though that unless the body was deemed 'unviewable' I would want to see them to say goodbye.

It's such a sad situation for the old chap. Is there any way of finding out in detail what his wife looks like now? A 20-day-old body is not necessarily in a dreadful state depending on how it's been preserved but if the undertakers are recommending not viewing, they will have good reasons for this.

Tiddlywinks

rollnchips wrote: »

I don't know of any older people or anyone bar those that are catholic viewing the deceased in such a manner where they would feel the need to hide the effects of decomposition ie identifying the body.

Maybe it's more of a religious thing, we are without religion and favour cremetation . I see it as disrespectful to preserve a relative for purely selfish reasons. Had an ask around earlier and everyone else agreed that they would not want to be preserved unless it was for medical reasons or have a viewing or open coffin.

You have your views, others have their own - could you just accept that this is the case? At least for the purposes of this thread which is concerning an old chap visiting his wife nearly 3 weeks after her death.

The chap wants (needs) to see his wife and whatever he sees when he visits will be with him forever... making his wife look as 'normal' as possible is a kindness to him and is not disrespectful to his wife's remains.

Darren_G

There needs to be an element of closure for this old chap. I am a little confused as to whether or not he was allowed some time alone with her in the hours after she passed. As person_one mentioned, nursing staff normally do a fantastic job of giving the time needed with the recently deceased so that goodbyes can be given.

I wonder whether it would be possible to vist her with her body draped completely, so he can see the outline and be able to make some form of contact without the issues of seeing the condition of the remains

NickyBat

Just wondering how things went Zaksmum?