Viewing deceased 20 days after death??

zaksmum

Elderly friend insisting on going to see his deceased wife next week, which will be 20 days after her death.

He's been advised not to but says he wants to see her for the last time.

For various reasons he's not been allowed to see her so far.

I don't want to give my opinion as he hasn't asked for it, but I'm worried about how horrendous it'll be for him.

He has no family at all.

ellay864

Who has advised him not to see her? Other friends, or medical staff?
I have no idea why he hasn't been allowed to see her but I would have thought that anyone has a right to see their loved one and say their final goodbye which so far it seems he hasn't been able to do. Yes it will be horrendous but then so is losing his wife, and being elderly I'm guessing there is a good chance they were together a long time. Would you or another friend be able to be there to support him?
I think he needs to understand it will be difficult but ultimately it must be his choice if he wants to say goodbye to her. He will feel really bad if he asks to and is denied that one request

jaytar

I saw my ex husband a month after he died and I was shocked.
I knew he wouldn't look as he did in the hospital but I really was not prepared for the reality. I didn't recognise him and I wish I hadn't gone. He was 46.

heretolearn_2

IT depends what has happened to the body since death.

If she was embalmed within a few days then there should be only minimal changes and not too distressing to view, I would have thought.

The funeral directors are probably the best people to advise on this as they are the ones to have seen her rather than using their imaginations.

sassyblue

zaksmum wrote: »

Elderly friend insisting on going to see his deceased wife next week, which will be 20 days after her death.

He's been advised not to but says he wants to see her for the last time.

For various reasons he's not been allowed to see her so far.

I don't want to give my opinion as he hasn't asked for it, but I'm worried about how horrendous it'll be for him.

He has no family at all.

Hmmm, you can't be stopped from viewing someone but you can be advised not to (like he has).

It's not nice to say but by now his wife will be discoloured, like she's badly bruised all over, even if she'd been embalmed. If he's of sound mind he will understand that is part of the death process but it is upsetting. Could you go with him OP, the funeral directors would be with him anyway if asked. x

zaksmum

heretolearn wrote: »

IT depends what has happened to the body since death.

If she was embalmed within a few days then there should be only minimal changes and not too distressing to view, I would have thought.

The funeral directors are probably the best people to advise on this as they are the ones to have seen her rather than using their imaginations.

There was an operation that went wrong and the body had been left "open" so there are a lot of changes in appearance and the funeral director has strongly advised him not to see her.

I would not be able to go with him.

cottonhead

I would check. A relative of ours went to see her husband ( on the same day ) after a car accident. His face was not cut or damaged but did 'look different'. I guess the trauma had effected his appreance somehow and although faint the bruising changed his colour etc. Anyway she actually vomitied when she saw him and the collapsed. It wasnt the man she knew and it was just another shock to get over and a picture that would always stick in her mind. As others have said - as the funeral director.

doelani

can I ask a question ? how long is it normally before someone is buried where you live ?

I am in Northern Ireland and usually funeral is 3-4 days after death, in fact I know 2 people who were buried the next day after death .

sorry should add unless there is a reason for slightly longer like body not released by coroner.

aliasojo

zaksmum wrote: »

Elderly friend insisting on going to see his deceased wife next week, which will be 20 days after her death.

I don't want to give my opinion as he hasn't asked for it, but I'm worried about how horrendous it'll be for him.

He has no family at all.

I wonder if the old gent simply doesn't understand or appreciate exactly what the body may look like now?

It's all very well the funeral director advising him not to see her but if he hasn't explained exactly why, then the old chap may think it's less of an issue than it is.

If he has no-one to support him, I really think it would be a kindness if you talked to him about this OP. You don't need to tell him what you would do, just try to gently chat about the physical changes and how it simply wont look like his wife any more. Maybe suggest she would have wanted him to remember her as she was and not as her body is now?

If, after he really understands what her body may be like now, he still wants to see her then at least he will be factually forearmed.

podperson

What a sad situation. Tbh I can see both sides, I know a lot of people think that seeing the body is part of the grieving process and perhaps he feels he needs to see her in order for it to sink in and to help him try to move on. But, of course, after such a long period she is going to look very different and it could be very distressing for him.

Is there no one at all who could go with him to provide support? - sometimes funeral directors will do evening slots for people who work etc. Would you be able to maybe sit down with him and try to delicately point out that while you're not telling him what to do, she is going to look very different and is that how he wants to remember her.

adelight

doelani wrote: »

can I ask a question ? how long is it normally before someone is buried where you live ?

I am in Northern Ireland and usually funeral is 3-4 days after death, in fact I know 2 people who were buried the next day after death .

sorry should add unless there is a reason for slightly longer like body not released by coroner.

In the UK 2+ weeks isn't that unusual, especially if there were complications or family need to travel for the funeral.

OP think you really need to find out if they were embalmed and if the friend understands what his wife may look like.