Viewing deceased 20 days after death??

zaksmum

I have tried very carefully to indicate that she won't look like he expects. he just gets angry with me and I have to be very gentle under the sad circumstances. I know that if he sees her he will be haunted by nightmares forever, as if things aren't bad enough.

Sadly if he won't listen to the advice he's been given...what can I do?

zaksmum

No, he hasn't been embalmed

Sorry...I meant she.

Sashk

If he wants to see her then let him go. Yes she will look different, but this man is older than probably all of us on here and he probably knows this anyway, he probably doesn't need to be told that. He needs to see her for closure, to say goodbye, she is his wife. My mum and dad both passed fairly recently and I went to see both of them. The Funeral Director advised against seeing my mum but I just had to say one last goodbye to her. This is a very personal choice indeed, some people want to remember their loved ones as they were and some really need to see them and say goodbye, I am one of those people, and I know a woman who lost her son who could not go an see him in his coffin. If this man wants to go then he should, he would be more haunted forever by the fact that he didn't go and say goodbye than being haunted by her physical appearance. Nobody should be stopped from seeing a dead loved one if that is what they wish to do. Please let him go.

KateLiana27

zaksmum wrote: »

I have tried very carefully to indicate that she won't look like he expects. he just gets angry with me and I have to be very gentle under the sad circumstances. I know that if he sees her he will be haunted by nightmares forever, as if things aren't bad enough.

Sadly if he won't listen to the advice he's been given...what can I do?

Sounds like you've done your best to inform him.

He's an adult, and it's his wife. You've done your duty. Let him go, and just be there for him afterwards.

raven83

I saw my mum 8 days after see died and obviously she had been embalmed but you could still see the difference, she was very bloated in the face etc, i am glad i saw her though and i think i would of wanted to see her one last time no matter what.

System

If he is adamant he wants to go and see her one last time despite the warnings from the funeral director and theres nothing you can do to change his mind then youve just got to support him afterwards.

May i suggest if he goes he talks to the funeral director directly about what he will see.... ie the changes in her body. From my own experience i was deeply shocked to see that my baby daughter who had died 7 days previously looked nothing like the baby i cradled in my arms till she went cold. To be honest it shocked me how she could have changed so much in a week. One of my bitterest regrets that i was allowed to be talked into having her open coffin in the house as even now i can see that waxy doll like face and sunken eyes.

If there was a post mortem then obviously there will be trauma to the body. Stitches haphazzardly put together to keep the body together though i am presume that will all be covered if it was on the body.

Yes, if he is insistant on going then he must be prepared for what he sees. Its no good the funeral director advising him not to i think he needs to tell him why.

When my own Father and StepFather died, i stayed with them till they went cold and then didnt see them again, for my own sake as well as their dignity.

sassyblue

zaksmum wrote: »

There was an operation that went wrong and the body had been left "open" so there are a lot of changes in appearance and the funeral director has strongly advised him not to see her.

I would not be able to go with him.

The wound would be closed by now though surely, plus if it was her chest or abdomen her clothes would cover that area (assuming the gentleman has given them some clothes to bury her in, or requested the the shroud but would cover it).

If it was her head that could be covered with a hat or bandages? I have heard of people even viewing a body with the head and face covered because of trauma. I don't see a problem (unless his own health isn't good and you think the shock would have an effect) if the funeral director is gentle and honest with him. It's a sad situation. x

zaksmum

From what I understand the wound hasn't been closed. Due to this the lady's own clothes can't be worn, just a cover that will have to be changed hourly. What a terrible shock it'll be for him.

System

zaksmum wrote: »

From what I understand the wound hasn't been closed. Due to this the lady's own clothes can't be worn, just a cover that will have to be changed hourly. What a terrible shock it'll be for him.

run out of stuff to use for stitches did they? Sorry to be flippant but leaving the wound open really does appall me. Have they no thought for the family left behind?

dizziblonde

doelani wrote: »

can I ask a question ? how long is it normally before someone is buried where you live ?

I am in Northern Ireland and usually funeral is 3-4 days after death, in fact I know 2 people who were buried the next day after death .

sorry should add unless there is a reason for slightly longer like body not released by coroner.

Took pushing two months for us to get the body back to bury a relative last year - coroner STILL hadn't determined exactly what killed him and had to issue an interim cause of death (was a hospital infection but they hadn't narrowed down exactly which one).