How do I change my husband

floss2

Thirtysomething wrote: »

....Hubby and I have married for a while now and I would like to start trying to conceive next year after we become debt free.

The problem is that my husband has been tight with money. I earn more than him so usually pay for more household things, holidays, etc but he has never done this when he earned more than me.

Called me old fashioned but i see the husband as the provider. I shouldnt be the one worrying how we are going to pay the rent, how we are going to get out of debt,how we will cope financially when i am on maternity leave. He says not to worry cos he has changed but because we are in debt and paying that off, he cant show me that he is willing to take care of all household bills if he has to.

I think i spoilt him. We started off our marriage with me paying off his debt and paying the bills. He has never felt any financial pressure becausei take care of if. Is it it too late to change him?

I want us to have a child and buy a house next year but i am scared that i will be left penniless because i will be on maternity leave and wont have my own money. Do i wait another 3 years for him to prove himself to me? By that time i fear it will be too late for me to have kids, or do i chance it.

Does your husband actually agree with you on your plan to TTC and buy a house next year? Have you even discussed this with him? You are a partnership, for heaven's sake!! If he doesn't pay as much as you, or you are fretting over not having a joint account, you have the ideal opportunity to sort it out before you become "penniless" on mat.leave - sit down with him, list ALL the bills and regular expenses and agree how things are to be and get it in place so you become more of a couple, rather than two people who happen to be legally tied, one of whom wants to be looked after while she has babies.

Oh, and by the way, there is such as thing as maternity pay for some of your mat.leave anyway - so you won't be "penniless", you just won't have the amount to spend that you have now. Maybe you should start to research your financial situation when you are on mat.leave - look at your employee handbook / HR intranet - so you have this information to share with discuss with your husband, and so you can BOTH plan for starting a family.

andygb

Reading this thread, I can only ask myself one question:

What is the point of getting married, if you do not behave like a team, with a joint bank account, where all the money goes.

Marriage is also far more than just money, because the two people should have different skills, which help things to run smoothly, for example:
I am out of work at the moment, and do not get any benefits, so I do all the work in the house, and I have always done all the household admin (my wife would not have a clue, where to start). However, my wife is the provider, so she gets a meal every morning and evening and comes home to a clean house. Then at weekends, we go everywhere TOGETHER - shopping, walks, maybe the cinema once every couple of months.

There is no way, that a successful marriage can be purely based on money and ratios of earnings, but it can be based on people talking and being on roughly the same wavelength.
One last point, why try to change someone, if you knew what they were like at the start?

Pollycat

Thirtysomething wrote: »

Called me old fashioned but i see the husband as the provider.

You are old-fashioned. Really.

Thirtysomething wrote: »

I think i spoilt him.

Yes, I think you have and it's going to be very hard to get him to change his financial mindset now.

I agree with all the posters who say you seem to be concentrating on the 'I' rather than 'we'.
I'd say that's quite worrying, especially if you even thinking about having a baby.

My OH and I (been together for 25+ years) and in that time have flip-flopped between who was the highest earner.
Once we decided it was a serious relationship, our income was 'our money'.

amyloofoo

andygb wrote: »

Reading this thread, I can only ask myself one question:

What is the point of getting married, if you do not behave like a team, with a joint bank account, where all the money goes.

Marriage is also far more than just money, because the two people should have different skills, which help things to run smoothly, for example:
I am out of work at the moment, and do not get any benefits, so I do all the work in the house, and I have always done all the household admin (my wife would not have a clue, where to start). However, my wife is the provider, so she gets a meal every morning and evening and comes home to a clean house. Then at weekends, we go everywhere TOGETHER - shopping, walks, maybe the cinema once every couple of months.

There is no way, that a successful marriage can be purely based on money and ratios of earnings, but it can be based on people talking and being on roughly the same wavelength.
One last point, why try to change someone, if you knew what they were like at the start?

You've made a really good point Andy, contributions to the relationship can definitely be more than just financial. Due to health issues and a near-fatal accident, my DH and I keep changing places in who is the primary 'breadwinner' but it's never been as though the other one does nothing - whoever isn't working / is working less hours takes care of most of the housework, cooking, etc. There are plenty of ways to be a 'provider' without being the main earner.

Bitsy_Beans

Thirtysomething wrote: »

Hi,

Hubby and I have married for a while now and I would like to start trying to conceive next year after we become debt free.

The problem is that my husband has been tight with money. I earn more than him so usually pay for more household things, holidays, etc but he has never done this when he earned more than me.

Called me old fashioned but i see the husband as the provider. I shouldnt be the one worrying how we are going to pay the rent, how we are going to get out of debt,how we will cope financially when i am on maternity leave. He says not to worry cos he has changed but because we are in debt and paying that off, he cant show me that he is willing to take care of all household bills if he has to.

I think i spoilt him. We started off our marriage with me paying off his debt and paying the bills. He has never felt any financial pressure becausei take care of if. Is it it too late to change him?

I want us to have a child and buy a house next year but i am scared that i will be left penniless because i will be on maternity leave and wont have my own money. Do i wait another 3 years for him to prove himself to me? By that time i fear it will be too late for me to have kids, or do i chance it.

I am not sure why you think being in a marriage precludes you from having to worry? Given modern life it's unrealistic to sit back and expect your husband to provide for you. It's up to you BOTH to work together as a team. I am a SAHM so in essence it's my husband who provides the income but in no way do it sit back and expect to be provided for like a princess. Living on one income was a joint decision rather than me demanding it. I find your attitude coming across as being a bit childish TBH.

I confess I find all this "my money, his money" bizarre when you are part of a couple, whether married or not you are a partnership. To me being part of a couple means sharing everything, my love, my time, my space and my money.

heartbreak_star

*HBS tough-love hat on*

You ARE old-fashioned, and very "precious" as well. I feel a bit sorry for your husband - you want to change him and nowhere in your OP do you mention love, I don't think.

Me and my OH manage fine with separate bank accounts - he owns the house and I pay him "rent".

Is it just that your husband tends to live more frugally than you now and isn't bothered about holidays etc?

*removes hat*

Maybe try and look at things from his point of view - and communicate. Communication is key to pretty much anything successful.

HBS x

Pollycat

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Me and my OH manage fine with separate bank accounts - he owns the house and I pay him "rent".

Is it just that your husband tends to live more frugally than you now and isn't bothered about holidays etc?

How would that work if you had a child together and you were off work for 6 or more months, or even became a SAHM?

I'm not sure if the OP hasn't expressed herself very well in her first post, but I think maybe she is worried about money if she doesn't work.

I can understand this as a friend of mine had a similar experience when she left work to be a SAHM.

Her OH became a right pain with money and even expected her to pay one of the household bills and run her car with the small amount she got from her p/t job, CTC and child maintenance.

He was even reluctant to increase the housekeeping he gave her when her CTC went down because he'd had a pay rise.

heartbreak_star

Sorry, I should clarify that'll never happen - we intend remaining voluntarily childless.


HBS x

BugglyB

'How do I change my husband'

:rotfl:

System

BugglyB wrote: »

'How do I change my husband'

:rotfl:

You dont. He wont change unless he wants to.

Called me old fashioned but i see the husband as the provider

Fair enough but why did you start off taking on more of the financial burden?

I think i spoilt him. We started off our marriage with me paying off his debt and paying the bills. He has never felt any financial pressure becausei take care of if.

If he is as commited to having this family as you are he will have to take on the main role of provider (unless he wants to lose the roof over his head or you go back to work asap).