How do I change my husband

Thirtysomething

Hi all,

No, I didnt run off. I just couldnt access the internet until now. My first post was written hastily on my mobile phone.

Right...where do I start....I am not a selfish person. I am not good at articulating myself and was very anxious/upset when I wrote my first post so it may seem very me, me, me.

When I said I want him to provide for me what I meant and should have said is that as I know it will be me taking care of the kids and doing the household work, I want him to be the one working to ensure that we will be okay. Just paying the household bills and telling me to "be grateful as I do nothing all do as I am at home with the kids" is not fair on me. I want him to want to take care of us. Obviously, that will depend on if he earns enough for me not to work. I am not saying that I would enforce that if we couldnt afford it.

You may ask how do I know he wont be the one to take on more of a household role. Trust me, he wont and I am okay with that but just dont expect to me to work the same way I do now when we have kids. My role as caregiver is just as an important role as him earning.

I want us to be a team so everything is balanced; money, looking after the kids, household duties, etc.

I saw my mum struggle because my dad didnt help her at all. Not financial, emotionally, mentally, physically. There was no balance. She paid all household bills and looked after us whilst he concentrated on hiding any money he had and pleading poverty. Needless to say they divorced but the damage was already done. He had destroyed her.

With regards to babies, I say "I" a lot because he has said it's up to me when we TTC. He won't force me or deny me. I cant force him but I really want children. I am in my early thirties and have fertility problems so dont want to wait too long.

Whichever poster said that "I might have scrimped and saved whilst he squandered his money" is spot on. I have borrowed money to pay off his debt. Kept us going when he has spent his money on crap and when he was unemployed but couldn't look for work as he was started up his business from home. Blah, blah, blah...and yes, I know that this is what married couples do but that doesnt stop me from being scared. I am a human after all.

I have to give it to him, he has changed a lot but because we are in debt and his money goes on this, I guess I just want to know that if I take a chance and have a child that everything will be okay and he'll really show me he's changed but hey....I cant be in control of everything.

I guess what I should have really asked in my original post is what can I do as his wife to help him to see the effects of his previous behaviour and see how damaging it can be to both of us?

I know I have things to work on myself so maybe if I try to be the best wife I can be, he'll be the best husband he can be.

Thirtysomething

With regards to buying a house, he wants to but is quite laissez faire about everything so as far as he is concerned, if it happens it happens. Whilst I am the sort of person who wants to make a plan.

Our debt will be gone very soon and getting a sizeable deposit together wont be a problem due to our parents generosity.

BitterAndTwisted

The first thing you should do is finish your journey to debt-free-land. Meanwhile, if you aren't already you must involve him in the details of your budgeting and the decision-making.

I'm quite frightened to hear that you've borrowed to pay off his debt but you still seem to be in debt now. This isn't quite making sense to me but maybe it does to you. I can appreciate that if you've paid off his debts, kept you both going while he spent money on crap and supported him while he started up his business from home you are fearful of what might happen when you are a family and financially dependent on him. I'd be fearful too. Are you sure that he's really changed his ways?

BitterAndTwisted

What I suggest you do is once you are totally debt-free would be to live on your husband's earnings only and bank every penny of your salary.

The mention of the sizeable deposit due to parents' generosity rather than by your own efforts does not inspire confidence.

londonsurrey

You mention that he's leaving it up to you to as to when to conceive, and he's in no hurry to buy the house.

On the plus side, he sounds very amenable.

Unfortunately, this is ringing a lot of warning bells with me, because the passion, drive and direction seem to be coming from you, and he's very nicely playing "Yes dear" to have a nice quiet life.

If someone sat him down, bloke-to-bloke, you'd probably find that he's "not that bothered" about all these issues.

If you really want to try out what it's might be like, start putting your pay into nice interest earning ISAs, bonds and the like. On a pragmatic note, you're saving up the deposit for a house.

On the experimental front, you'll be both living on just his pay, just like you would when with tending to new child. Do this for two years.

londonsurrey

Oops, sorry BitterAndTwisted. I pressed "Post", and then saw your posting!

Thirtysomething

Its so funny because what you two have suggested is exactly what he agreed that we should do when we finish paying our debt. We try and survive on his wage alone and maybe £500 from my salary to replicate the maternity pay. Even if it means downsizing our flat.

In the meantime, we pay off all of our debts and try and live more frugally.

I think we should wait a year and see how things are then before making any rash decisions about babies and houses.

jenhug

I really am struggling to see why on earth you would want a child with this man? Sorry but from reading your posts, and you telling us about your parents, I would say history is about to repeat itself.

tori.k

Playing DA what makes you think you will even want to be a SAHM once baby is born, im not afraid to say as heartwrenching as I was to start I enjoyed going back to work Part-time after my kids were born, even more now they are moody teens

please don't take this the wrong way but I find your post read to me like you are quite a independant young woman, you may find it harder then you think not to have your own income.

I found it very difficult when it was only DH bringing in a wage (pre TC) crazy as it sounds I always remember a time I was walking round with holes in my shoes (we were pretty broke) and DH saying why didn't I just ask for some money to get some new ones and me spitting the dummy out saying I didn't want to come cap in hand to him and ask for money for myself...I went back to work a few weeks later, it was just nice that i had a little money to myself so i could buy shoes or have my hair done without thinking the money should be spent in the household.

some advice my mother gave me when I told her we were trying for a baby. are you prepared to bring a baby up by yourself, children break relationship's not make them (sleepless night's and tight finances) do take there toll on the strongest of marriages.

Your DH will probably come into his own once he has very real responsibilty in his life, and your wonder what you were worried about

heartbreak_star

I find myself wondering why two such incompatible people are married.

And you still haven't mentioned love, OP.

Good luck with whatever you do though - you have a lot of drive and that's rather admirable!

HBS x