How do I change my husband

Annisele

I don't think the issue is whether it's "too late" to change him. I think the more fundamental issue is that you want to change him - but you can't change another person; you can only change yourself. (Not unless you mean "change" in the sense of "divorce this one then marry a new one").

You can certainly influence your husband, but any changes are 100% down to him.

Presumably you loved and respected your husband when you married him. So, assuming he doesn't change one iota - would you still want a baby with him?

Alikay

He'll only do what he can get away with: Get some ground rules established regarding sharing - consult a dictionary or two so he understands the concept.

Caroline_a

I shouldnt be the one worrying how we are going to pay the rent, how we are going to get out of debt,how we will cope financially when i am on maternity leave

Oh dear. You do sound as if you think you're going to be quite precious when you're pregnant. Your bills are joint, the worrying is down to whoever is that sort of person if you have limited money.

You want to have a child and buy a house... in one year? In this economic climate? I feel quite sorry for your husband, he doesn't seem to be figuring at all in any of this, apart from being expected to pay for it all!

woody2234

Do you wait 3 years to have a baby, depends on age because if your 30 then you will be 33 when you try for baby, but if your 39 now and try at 42 then that maybe too late, also he may have several children already so why would he be bothered, and if you have been with him for a while say 5 years then theres your anwser

claire16c

Thirtysomething wrote: »

I want us to have a child and buy a house next year but i am scared that i will be left penniless because i will be on maternity leave and wont have my own money..

So get a joint account then. Im sorry but how can you be penniless when you are married to someone who has a job?!

Spottedleopard

It's not fair for him to pay half if he is earning less than you, you need to work out how much percentage wise how much more you earn then him and you pay the different (say its 8%, you pay 58% and he pays 42%)

If he won't pay his share- i really don't understand why you are with him never mind considering having his child(ren)

meritaten

If you expect him to change then you are living in a fools paradise. What you married is what you get! for a person to change THEY have to want to do so. and from what I can tell from your post is that your OH has no incentive to change. You think a baby will make a difference? it will hun - to YOUR purse not his!
I would think very carefully about things before trying for a baby - including how you will manage finances if HE doesnt change. If he sees his wages as his alone - it will be YOU who is expected to manage on YOUR money. Your fears that you would be left penniless are NOT groundless.

bride2be2012

my OH was a bit like this, until the start of this year. We both earned about the same, I got paid monthly and he got paid weekly so it made sense for me to pay the monthly bills and we lived off his wages week to week, and saved what was left over. I used to feel a bit annoyed as all my money went on the bills, and I had to ask OH if I wanted anything, including paying down our credit cards. OH never saw it like that, wouldn't even contemplate getting a joint account, he was quite happy to give me money when I asked, but just couldn't grasp that I felt like I shouldn't have to ask.

However, in April I got made redundant and took on a much lower paid job. And in May we got married. Now OH pays most of the bills as his income is a lot more than mine. And we still don't have a joint account, but I have access to his online banking and vice versa. I think it's a happy compromise, and it works as long as we tell each other that we have transferred money from one account to the other - OH knows I'd never go and raid his ISA and I know he would never go and blow our savings (house deposit) on something silly. It may be in separate accounts, but it is all OUR money.

So I don't know if you can change your husband, but maybe it will take something to happen for him to change. We are also hoping to buy a house in the next year (once I get a full time job again), and we would like to start trying for a family once that happens. I am glad we are now a bit closer in our thinking regarding finances before this happens.

Horasio

Change your husband

For another one!

amyloofoo

I think you're approaching it in the wrong way. Instead of thinking 'how can I change him' you need to communicate the changes you'd like to see and ask him for his input, maybe he'll choose to make some changes, maybe he has reasons why he won't. I think you'd be mortified if you discovered your DH was posting on an internet forum and asking strangers how he could 'change' you.

Not having a joint account is a situation that many couples manage successfully, others (myself included) can't imagine not having a 'pooled' account for things such as bills to go out from. You need to sit down with your husband and calmly explain why you would like a joint account, and the fears you have around his money management. Understand that he may see this as a criticism and become defensive, but if you remain fair and calm (and stick to facts) then he should hopefully respond in turn. If you're still struggling to communicate, maybe it's time to approach an organisation like Relate to help?

Like other posters, I'm concerned by your overuse of 'I' when talking about raising a family. This needs to be something you're both fully committed to, and for the sake of yourself, your husband and any potential child; you need to raise your concerns with him now, and also be prepared to listen to his desires and fears. I understand that it's easy to come across badly over a forum post, and maybe this is something you've already done, but you're only storing up problems for your relationship if you don't address your concerns now.