How do I change my husband

Thirtysomething

Hi,

Hubby and I have married for a while now and I would like to start trying to conceive next year after we become debt free.

The problem is that my husband has been tight with money. I earn more than him so usually pay for more household things, holidays, etc but he has never done this when he earned more than me.

Called me old fashioned but i see the husband as the provider. I shouldnt be the one worrying how we are going to pay the rent, how we are going to get out of debt,how we will cope financially when i am on maternity leave. He says not to worry cos he has changed but because we are in debt and paying that off, he cant show me that he is willing to take care of all household bills if he has to.

I think i spoilt him. We started off our marriage with me paying off his debt and paying the bills. He has never felt any financial pressure becausei take care of if. Is it it too late to change him?

I want us to have a child and buy a house next year but i am scared that i will be left penniless because i will be on maternity leave and wont have my own money. Do i wait another 3 years for him to prove himself to me? By that time i fear it will be too late for me to have kids, or do i chance it.

Thirtysomething

Let me also say that we dont have a joint bank account. Its always been his money is his and my money is mine unless, i have to bail us out or he is unemplyed then, my money is ours.

I have bee trying to get him to see it as our money but he doesnt get it. He always has excuses.

ellay864

There's nothing wrong with keeping separate bank accounts but you are MARRIED for god's sake. Keeping a house and certainly having children are things you do together, you are jointly responsible and it's what being a couple is about.
He sounds immature financially, you sound like you can't trust him, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You have to talk about this properly and have some kind of commited joint way of managing your finances if you're going to be giving up work, if only for a while, to raise a family together.
My ex and I had 2 kids and always kept separate accounts but we pooled money for joint things. And money was nothing to do with why we separated. You can each keep your own accounts but you can't do that to the exclusion of having some kind of joint responsibility

londonsurrey

He might change, he might not. Ultimately, you will have to take responsibility for your decision to trust him or not. Because if your gamble pays off, you get the ideal happily ever after. If it doesn't, you'll have created a child and a dependency on a chap whom you knew showed every sign of not being as reliable as you wanted him to be.

Your risk, your possible reward or shambles.

cottonhead

You say he is tight with money. Do you mean he likes to save money or do you mean he spends it on himself and leaves you to pay for most of the bills ? If its the first then thats a good thing. You just need to re giggle it a bit better and more fairly.
I woudl suggest sitting down and writing down all the bills so you both know how much is spent on what. Then get a joint account just for the bills. Set up a standing order from both your joint accounts to the bills account and then it will pretty much run itself. In our marriage we pay the bills this way. We worked it in a way that the bills get paid and my husband and I are each left with the same ammount of spending money in our own accounts. That means that my husband transfers more to the bills account as he earns more. However we each get the same at the end so we think its fair. Also I do all the housework as he works longer hours in the office.
If you dont let your husband see what the bills are etc he wont change. I know my husband was shocked when I told him some of the bills. Because I have done it for so long he genuinly didnt realise how exepensive some things are. I think its great you are tackling this before adding a baby to the mix - it will make life so much easier for all of you. Good luck.

cte1111

I think you should BOTH be worrying about paying the bills. Why did you marry this man if you wanted a provider? He's clearly shown that that's not how he thinks.

Personally I think that although it may at points be one partner who brings in most of the money whilst the other has childcare responsibility or illness, it's best if you are both equals in the relationship and prepared to support each other when necessary.

Short answer - it is tricky to change someone else's behaviour. They may well change and adapt as they get older and circumstances change, but they need to want to change really.

I would try and sit down with your husband and talk about how to move forward with money. I really wouldn't get pregnant until you can be sure that you are able to reach a way to jointly manage your finances.

I had a child with my ex (who sounds a bit like your husband, always been hopeless with money, I paid off his debts so that he could have a fresh start only for him to carry on spending). I hoped that he would grow up both personally and financially. Sadly it didn't work, I ended up paying all the bills from savings whilst on maternity leave and his money continued to be some kind of extended pocket money.

McKneff

So if yo dont have a joint account, how do you both pay the bills.

Sit him down, list all bills, payments, food budget, insurance. Tot them all up, split it in half and get this amount out of him every, and I mean every month. No messing about.

Job done.

globetraveller

Do you realise that you use the word "I" when talking about conceiving and wanting to have a child? What does he want? If its not something you both want then perhaps you really do need to thing about changing your husband. Honestly, it doesn't sound good- they way you have worded it anyway.

CH27

Thirtysomething wrote: »

Hi,

Hubby and I have married for a while now and I would like to start trying to conceive next year after we become debt free.

The problem is that my husband has been tight with money. I earn more than him so usually pay for more household things, holidays, etc but he has never done this when he earned more than me.

Called me old fashioned but i see the husband as the provider. I shouldnt be the one worrying how we are going to pay the rent, how we are going to get out of debt,how we will cope financially when i am on maternity leave. He says not to worry cos he has changed but because we are in debt and paying that off, he cant show me that he is willing to take care of all household bills if he has to.

I think i spoilt him. We started off our marriage with me paying off his debt and paying the bills. He has never felt any financial pressure becausei take care of if. Is it it too late to change him?

I want us to have a child and buy a house next year but i am scared that i will be left penniless because i will be on maternity leave and wont have my own money. Do i wait another 3 years for him to prove himself to me? By that time i fear it will be too late for me to have kids, or do i chance it.

What does he want? All I see is I I I

zcrat41

I wouldn't wait to ttc - you never know what problems you might encounter.

However, I do think you're asking too much to turn him into a provider. Turning him into an equal provider taking equal responsibility is a bit more achievable!!

geoffky

We have joint accounts and joint investments and i would not have it any other way as we do not worry about money and if we ever parted it would be 50/50 but in a past relationship i earned 40k while my ex earned 60k and we both had seperate accounts..
I lost my job and love went very very quickly out of the window because she had to pay all the bills..I learned a lesson from that..
I married a girl who did not have a penny but was not bothered about money and then we became secure when i sold a business i set up enabling us to retire at a young age she has remained a careful with money person . money is not her god.. dont make it yours!!!