Preparedness for when

COOLTRIKERCHICK

I thank my lucky stars that I fell in love with a lovely man, and married him 21 plus years ago.. He is far from perfect, ( same as me) he hardly loses his rag so to speak.. He is a stubborn old git on times lol.... And can't make a cup of tea to save his life... BUT.....I couldn't ask for a better man.. To get on with....he is bestest buddy...

moneyistooshorttomention

I know where you're coming from GreyQueen. Twice I've "rescued" a woman from the partner that was battering her - and twice I've had the frustrating/puzzling experience of watching her go back to him.

It won't stop me doing so again - if I spot any other episodes - as I believe that most women do pluck up the confidence/courage to leave a man like that at some point. So - theres no point in turning a blind eye - because that time might be THE time she really does leave him for good.

It is much more explicable to me to think of an episode where a scared (but determined) woman came up to me one time whilst I was one of the stewards for a peace march and told me that she had escaped to my area from a wife-batterer husband elsewhere in the country and she really wanted to be on the march, but requested me to shield her from being caught on camera by the press or tv. Now that I understood - and duly regarded my primary stewarding responsibility for that occasion as keeping a weather eye out for any media inadvertently getting a photo of her and making sure it didn't happen (ie so that Mr Violent couldn't catch a glimpse of her and realise what part of the country she had fled to).

GreyQueen

Good for you, MTSTM.

Twenty years ago, I was standing in a friend's hall, in a ready pose from my martial arts training, armed with a rolling pin instead of a bokun, with her cowering behind me and him battering on the door outside. I promised her the only way he'd get to her would be to get past me. The Police managed to get there before he got through the door, thank gawd, but I was deadly serious.

In my job, I often hear women say they're nervous living on their own, by which they mean on-my-own or on-my-own-with-children. Never occurs to most of them that the greatest source of danger in their lives is likely to be a partner.

moneyistooshorttomention

Well - you gotta try haven't you?:(

I struggle to get my head around how women (and some men) can get into this situation (ie of getting coupled-up with people like that).

The thought literally never occurred to me that this sort of thing happened - until the first time I saw it (ie as a young adult).

But I know that's with benefit of having a father who simply wouldn't dream of harming a hair on my mothers head. I'm (uncomfortably) well aware that he probably knows exactly how to wreak all sorts of harm (ie he was in the Armed Forces for long enough that I just don't ask what he might have learnt/done there...:eek:). However, I always knew from Year Dot that he regards my mother as being someone that he expects to have respect and protection and that's how he treats her himself. I've literally never heard him utter so much as a cross word to her - never mind anything else.

I honestly thought that was "how it was" for everyone until a rude awakening of a nasty episode I witnessed between two strangers in my 20s.

So - I can understand why a woman (or man) might marry someone they just assumed was normal (ie if Mr/Mrs Violent hadn't done anything they shouldn't before marriage) and only realise they'd inadvertently chosen a violent person (instead of a normal one) after they had married them.

thriftwizard

[I can understand why a woman (or man) might marry someone they just assumed was normal (ie if Mr/Mrs Violent hadn't done anything they shouldn't before marriage) and only realise they'd inadvertently chosen a violent person (instead of a normal one) after they had married them.

In three words: mental health issues. You can marry a man who really is lovely, then some years down the line something inside comes unstuck & goes horribly wrong, and before you know it, you're in an abusive situation and no-one knows, or will believe you... Professionals offer you counselling & basically tell you to cook nicer meals & wear pretty underwear, thinking you're exaggerating. Society sees "single mums" as dole-scrounging layabouts, you don't want to subject your kids to a B&B existence, you can't believe this is happening to you...

[Deleted User]

thriftwizard wrote: »

You can marry a man who really is lovely, then some years down the line something inside comes unstuck & goes horribly wrong

Or vice versa.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

So - I can understand why a woman (or man) might marry someone they just assumed was normal (ie if Mr/Mrs Violent hadn't done anything they shouldn't before marriage) and only realise they'd inadvertently chosen a violent person (instead of a normal one) after they had married them.

Another scenario is for an inadequate man/woman to deliberately look for a partner who is vulnerable in some way so that she/he can be controlled/dominated/abused but not be strong enough to break away.

GreyQueen

Mojisola wrote: »

Another scenario is for an inadequate man/woman to deliberately look for a partner who is vulnerable in some way so that she/he can be controlled/dominated/abused but not be strong enough to break away.

This is usually the way of it. Find an emotionally-needy person, become their be-all and end-all. Get them confused about where love shades over into controlling domineering behaviour. Isolate them from family and friends, close down virtually all social interaction other than via themselves. Take their money and control them that way, too.

It usually starts with belittling and undermining someone verbally, then shades over into emotionally manipulating them. Violent people can oscillate between declarations of love and threats to kill in minutes, I have heard it from my neighbours. Shoving becomes an openhanded slap, a slap becomes a fist or a kick, then things escalate.

Know of a woman who married and, within weeks of marriage, her new husband hit her. Out of the blue, and with no warning or inclination that such a thing might be in his character. She left that hour and filed for divorce immediately. Women typically suffer about 37 assaults before they ever tell someone they have a problem. Men often tell no one, ever, because we find it unbelievable that a man can be brutalised by a woman.

moneyistooshorttomention

Good for her - ie that woman who left and divorced him immediately. She was clearly refusing to be a victim - and all honour to her for it. Must have come as one heck of a shock to realise what sort of man she had married - but I'm assuming she had seen some sort of warning signs perhaps in advance????

I can think of another woman I know who also left the relationship immediately he first laid a finger on her and I was definitely relieved - because I had realised what he was like and warned her and would have felt somewhat "involved" if she hadn't done so. I guess that's the message for women like this (and the men in equivalent situation):

- Listen to your intuition about them and leave immediately (even if you've seen no reason to)

- If intuition failed you and they got a chance to take a whack at you - leave immediately and don't give them a second chance. Refuse to be a victim.

[Deleted User]

GreyQueen wrote: »

Men often tell no one, ever, because we find it unbelievable that a man can be brutalised by a woman.

Those of us, who have known an abused man, have no difficulty believing it.