Preparedness for when

ALIBOBSY

My OH is lovely and as of next week we will have been married 18 years, BUT even now I have hangups/hangovers from my first marriage that was abusive.

I would say I am pretty confident and some people would even call me gobby and I always imagined I would simply walk away if someone hit me. But the reality is what happens is more like a cult where you are more and more controlled until the point where you feel the violence is partly your fault.

My ex was alot older than I who was only 20, he was very romantic and what I saw as loving-not wanting me to go out with other friends or speak to other men, always turned around into because I love you so much etc etc was just the start.

He proposed quickly and we got married swiftly as well at his insistance. There is a creeping level of controlling you, let me buy you some new clothes, I'll help you pick, why do you need to have other mens phone numbers you have me, I am your best friend all we need is each other, lets not go to see your parents this week and spend some quality time together etc etc.

This advanced to things like you can't leave me no one else would want you, do you really need to eat anything else today at your size etc etc. You reach a point where your whole world is buildt around them and THEN they start the hitting and threats, by which time you are so controlled and cut off from others that you can't see anyway out.

I still feel some guilt for leaving him in the end even now, as crazy as that sounds, the whole thing is horrible and I wish I had never met him. But we need to remember how controlled victims can be and how difficult it can be to break free from a relationship like this. Friends and family afterwards said it was like I had, had a personality transplant and was a different person with him.

In alot of ways the mental abuse is worse than the physical and it certainly stays with you longer. I even had silent and abusive calls after I left and had to change my phone number twice so its tough to break free and tbh it still stays with you years later.

Ali x

Mojisola

Frugalsod wrote: »

Male victims have been about for more than 20 years.

Male victims have been around just as long as female ones.

Frugalsod

Mojisola wrote: »

Male victims have been around just as long as female ones.

Yes but I only found out about it when there was a documentary about male victims. I was not presuming anything before that date.

mardatha

I struggle to get my head round this, which is my fault I know. Maybe because I've always been able to open my gob and say what I feel to anybody on this earth.... apart from my mother. Who could strip wallpaper with her tongue

Karmacat

I used to volunteer with Women's Aid in spite of, or maybe because of, my dad being a perfect gentleman. We had a lot of feedback when he died about how gentle and how lovely he was, and it was true. Maybe because of that, I've always had very firm boundaries in this particular regard (though not in others).

One time I tried out online dating, there was a guy I met who was okay, but we had a lot of misunderstandings just in the first hour and I thought, hmmm, okay, we're really not clicking, and he's a bit odd. Just as I finished the first sentence of the spiel of "two nice people not meant for each other" he reached across the table and grabbed my ear and pulled the lobe, **hard**. I just looked at him and said "okay, so, you're not so nice after all" and walked out. If he was prepared to hurt me like that on a first date, no telling what he'd have done in the future.

jk0

Alibobsy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your first marriage.

I recently started seeing a much younger woman, and am determined not to be like my dad. He wasn't quite as bad as your ex, but still not a nice man.

I'm almost concerned now about going clothes shopping with my gf. I bought her what she wanted in Zara on Thursday, rather than what I wanted to see her in. Maybe there's hope for me.

I think we will continue living separately, and having our own lives. Just meeting once a week seems fun and natural.

BTW, I told gf about my gallstone problem on our second date and she didn't turn a hair. What a nice girl, eh?

[Deleted User]

Frugalsod wrote: »

Male victims have been about for more than 20 years.

Mojisola wrote: »

Male victims have been around just as long as female ones.

I agree. It was just that male victims kept quiet about it, for fear of being seen as weak.

If a male victim did get the courage to report it to the police, they'd likely just laugh at him.

Even today, a scene on a film/TV show, portraying a man being assaulted by a woman, is seen as less serious, than a scene portraying the reverse.

Frugalsod

Bedsit_Bob wrote: »

I agree. It was just that male victims kept quiet about it, for fear of being seen as weak.

If a male victim did get the courage to report it to the police, they'd likely just laugh at him.

That was the thrust of the documentary. That the police did not take it seriously enough.

Bedsit_Bob wrote: »

Even today, a scene on a film/TV show, portraying a man being assaulted by a woman, is seen as less serious, than a scene portraying the reverse.

It is wrong no matter who is the aggressor.

Interestingly it seems that women who have been abused in the past seem to have a strike first attitude now and that could account for some of the increase in male victims. Still not right.

GreyQueen

There are also couples where the dynamic isn't aggressor-victim, but aggressor-aggressor. I had some neighbours like that, even the Police knew that she (a tiny slip of a girl) was just as violent as her feller.

Emotional cruelty can be dished out by either gender, and even smallish women are perfectly capable of physical violence. Some unfortunate people are even being physically abused by school-age children; I've known of one family who are seriously frightened of a child of their who is still less than ten years old - kid seems to be a psycopath with a very cruel streak. Plus force magnifiers such as weapons (and most kitchens are heavily weaponised, if you think about it) even the odds somewhat.

moneyistooshorttomention

Bedsit_Bob wrote: »

I agree. It was just that male victims kept quiet about it, for fear of being seen as weak.

If a male victim did get the courage to report it to the police, they'd likely just laugh at him.

Even today, a scene on a film/TV show, portraying a man being assaulted by a woman, is seen as less serious, than a scene portraying the reverse.

I must admit I've never come across a male victim - to my knowledge.

But I certainly believe that some men can be victims of it too.

I guess the perception is that men tend to be physically stronger than women and that they could easily "respond in kind" if a woman chose to hit them?? The gentlest boyfriend I ever had (a really nice/considerate/caring etc type) was also the biggest. I know people only had to look at him to take due account of his size and obvious physical strength - but everyone who knew him knew he wouldn't dream of harming a hair on a womans head. He proved he had all the strength we always knew he had - by busting right through a very solid door to rescue someone from fire one time:T

That's the thing - just because a man has that greater physical strength does tend to mean people will usually assume he will use it in his own defence if need be. So I suppose its harder to see that a man could be on the receiving end of this. I guess the female perpetrators of domestic violence also use the same sort of "isolating tactics" that seem to be so common amongst the male batterers??

I admit to struggling with the thought of a physically abusive child - though that maybe the result of some very "we are the parents - so we are in charge" type parenting and/or not being fed a constant stream of junk food (with all those additives in). I don't know. I'll admit to never having come across a Hellcat Kid - and that I would have just assumed that being a pretty "firm" parent (by modern standards) and keeping them right off the junk food meant I would have assumed it wasn't possible. But....I don't know...not having met one of these kids.. (thankfully...).