He has left me...

Kazzabell80

I just wanted to update my situation really so here goes.

As my first post indicates, OH left me and the kids 11 days ago. I have seen him and we have talked to an extent. He says that I don't listen to him and when I have been revising (I am studying for professional accountancy exams), he feels neglected as I shut myself off to focus and therefore any time that I do have during my revision phase, is focused primarily on the kids.

He has said that he has had to switch his feelings off so many times (at exam time) that he just can't switch them back on again.

I have tried to listen to him and not get angry or upset and have had to bit my tongue on a few occassions.

We have agreed that he will see the kids whenever he isn't on shift, plus he has come around to cut the grass and wants to walk our dogs on Monday.

All this sounds positive right? But, when I do see him he is so cold. I am trying to give him the time that he needs and trying not to be needy and desperate (even though desperate is exactly what I am ).

We are also going to counselling on the 27th - although at the moment it seems like a lifetime away (especially as the appointment was made last Sat). I have asked him what he expects to gain from the counselling and he still isn't sure.

He says that he feels nothing when he comes to visit the kids and nothing when he leaves (in respect of me, not the kids). This indifference just seems so odd to me.

My Dad is also coming over to stay with me on 1st August for 'as long as it takes' - which has really put my mind at ease. Especially as my OH opens up to my Dad and thinks of him as a Dad (as my Dad thinks of my OH as a son), my OH's Dad died when he was 13 so he doesn't have that role model.

And just in case he decides that what we have built over the last 17 years isn't good enough for him anymore, I have applied for working family tax credit and have checked with my mortgage provider who have confirmed that it is possible for me to afford the mortgage.....just). I really hope that it doesn't come to that, but this is [STRIKE]our[/STRIKE] my dream home and I am gonna fight to keep it for mine and my kids sake....:o

ALIBOBSY

I think the counciling is a great idea and the fact he will go to that and the other stuff he has said suggests there isn't anyone else, or at least not a full blown affair-maybe he has been tempted and it made him think about happy younger days with you and wonder where it has all gone wrong? Perhaps its just a midlife crisis or even a bout of depression. Or perhaps sadly the relationship has drifted to an end. Whatever the issue is at least the counciling will bring closure for you both. Either you will get the help to work your way back together or both be able to confirm its definately over.
That inbetween limbo is horrible so you need to know so you can make plans for the future.

All the best to you and your children and what ever happens things WILL get better whether that is with you back together or making new lives apart.

Ali x

Taadaa

It sounds like you are doing really well, taking the practical steps you need to. At least the counselling will enable to talk in a safe environment with a mediator to hand to both explain how you feel.

Don't pay too much attention to people saying there is someone else. You cannot work on assumptions and that one will eat you up and ruin any chances of healing the relationship.

It sounds like he is being selfish and immature to me - saying you don't have time for him, your DS suggesting to him that they see him when it should be the other way around. I mean you are taking accounting exams to improve all of your lives, no? Not just for yourself, which is what he seems to be implying.

It is odd that he says he feels nothing for you though. He should feel something, even if that is negative feelings - after all, you have lived together for a long time and you are the mother of his children.

I hope the kids are coping okay in all of this.

ammonite

Good luck with the counselling. Just wanted to say my friends husband to be walked out on her and their 4 month old baby stating he no longer loved her after 9 years together. There was no one else so it may not be the worst! She just described it as him having a total brain and personality transplant. She soldiered on and is with someone lovely now.

Hope you work it out.