Is the naughty step enough? What did your parents do?

Wickedkitten

My mum used to smack the crap out of me. It didn't make me any better at anything other than not getting caught, and being able to lie my way out of it if I did.

marisco_2

My parents didn't use the naughty step technique, most probably because I grew up in a bungalow so there were no stairs to be sent to sit on . They could have sat me on the backdoor step I suppose, but then there was the risk in their eyes that as soon as their backs were turned, I would have been up and off into the garden playing.

Bad behaviour was always met with a stern look that I didn't dare mess with and a very calm but firm 'go to your room and calm down and only come back when you are ready to apologise'. When I did go back to apologise I was always thanked for doing so and then we talked through why what I had said or done was not acceptable. I knew right from wrong at a very early age, didn't always stick to it mind, but it gave me boundaries and made me feel very secure.

My parents never raised their voices to me or my siblings. We always knew when we were in deepest trouble when they spoke very quietly, so that we had to listen carefully to them to hear them. They would also use our full names, including middle names, just to reinforce they were not pleased. Pet names or our preferred shortenings of our names were used at all other times!

I grew up with all the extended family living close by. There was very regular contact with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. When we were in their company they worked with my parents to instill good manners and behaviour in all of us. They worked as a team and backed each other up. So all the messages we recieved on what was expected was consistent.

I think above all else this makes a huge difference to how children behave.

Grumpygit

I got smacked as a child - I don't think that they were ever over anything serious - I certainly can't think of anything really bad I did.

I have smacked my dd in the past - although the last time she was about 5 (she's now 12). That last time - she was going mental and was kicking me.

At other times with her, we would make her stand in the corner or as she was older, it was take stuff away and no tv, pc, games etc

rising_from_the_ashes

Tea-and-Cake wrote: »

My parents didn't use these techniques, they claim I was a pretty good child, I don't remember getting smacked (I do remember being threatened with it) and I'm sure I must have been on occasion. I wouldn't have dared do some of the things my children try such as being cheeky/backchat/not doing as I was told and just a look from my dad could stop me in my tracks.

I'm not sure if it's a sign of the times IYKWIM or how we can get back to how it was when we were young, but what you've said is so true...

We weren't rude to our elders and if we were told to do something - we did it - you just didn't do things you shouldn't as you knew you'd be in trouble and that was enough to stop you doing it.

kafkathecat

I am another Alfie Kohn fan. My ds is 14 and I have never used punishment or rewards to manipulate his behaviour. I also know people with more than one child who parent similarly so I know it can be done. I remember being smacked occasionally as a child and swore then that I would never do it to my own.
The problem with any system of punishment or reward is that once someone gets used to it you have to give more to have any effect.

I_wanna_live_for_free

My mother would say "wait til your father gets home" and result was by the time he did get home she had forgotten which of us had been the culprit and so we all got a wallop :mad:

In later years I realised that this was a particularly nasty trait of her personality, the whisperer who doesn't "do the deed but incites it" knowing that my father had severe anger management issues. I've now come to terms with the fact that she is an evil b*tch.

I sometimes feel marginally sorry for my father as he would get in tired from a 2 hour commute to find her waiting in the hallway busting a gut to tell him what evils we had perpetrated that day

Needless to say I have never raised a hand against my children but have instead revoked privileges as a forfeit for bad behaviour. Not saying that I have never snatched their hand away from a flame or hot fire when they were babies, of course.

When they acknowledge that by doing XYZ = no "current favourite pastime for a fixed period of time" then it's forgotten. I don't demand an apology as I think there's nothing worse that a forced apology which the child does not mean, it's just words to say - however, a natural unprompted "I'm so sorry" means so much more.

Jinx

My mum used to repeatedly use a slipper on us, which I think is and was totally unacceptable and over the top.

For my daughter (only have one, cant comment on two) she had the natural consequences skint chic mentioned, eg if you havent done your homework then you cant go out etc

I have also sent her to her room, grounded her and smacked her on three ocassions over the years (after appropriate warnings).

I think the consequence has to be appropriate and in a good framework - by this I mean I listened to my daughter and would explain my reasoning on things. And I never reconsidered if the answer was an outright 'no', consistency is the key IMO. One of my key things in my own head was 'will this matter in 6 months', if not then its not a biggie and to remember she was basically a really good kid. Shes now 20 and lovely

useless_git_requires_wife

A few clouts.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Depended what I had done.

It usually consisted of waiting until I had completely forgotten about whatever it was and was quietly watching TV, drawing, reading or something else.

Then I'd get a punch or five in the back of the head. Or walloped with a metre stick thing. Or she'd look to see if I was wearing shoes and if not, march over and stamp on them. Or disappear upstairs and tip over my shelf with my toys and books in, empty the drawers and the boxes under the bed over the floor and force me to clean it until 2am.

Or pin me against the wall and tell me she was going to brand my face with the iron. That was because I'd argued with my 19 year old brother. At the age of 9.

Or threaten to get the dog and cat put to sleep. Or beat the dog with the same metre stick for growling at her when I had copped a walloping for putting myself between him and her when he'd done something terrible like messing on the kitchen floor after being left for 8 hours.

But the usual punishment was making me sit right beside her on the sofa. Because I never knew when the next wallop was coming then.

kafkathecat

Jinx wrote: »

My mum used to repeatedly use a slipper on us, which I think is and was totally unacceptable and over the top.

For my daughter (only have one, cant comment on two) she had the natural consequences skint chic mentioned, eg if you havent done your homework then you cant go out etc

I have also sent her to her room, grounded her and smacked her on three ocassions over the years (after appropriate warnings).

I think the consequence has to be appropriate and in a good framework - by this I mean I listened to my daughter and would explain my reasoning on things. And I never reconsidered if the answer was an outright 'no', consistency is the key IMO. One of my key things in my own head was 'will this matter in 6 months', if not then its not a biggie and to remember she was basically a really good kid. Shes now 20 and lovely

I think it is really important to occasionally change your mind if your child gives a good enough reason. Otherwise you aren't listening at all. I have a friend who is 'consistent' by your definition and she gets nagged much more than I do. The way I see it, if you wouldn't do it to your partner you shouldn't do it to a child.