Is the naughty step enough? What did your parents do?

flora48

IMO the sanctions have to deprive the child of something they like. One of mine didn't give a toss about being sent to bed, he liked it. It only served to give us both some space. The other one was a doddle to discipline because she always wanted to please. Horses for courses and all that!

Bitsy_Beans

As I child I was given 3 chances to desist the unwanted behaviour. Third request came with a smack across the legs.
As such pretty much stopped what we were doing by number 2
As we got older we were sent to our rooms which I didn't mind since all my toys were there. My brother loathed it :rotfl:
With my own they have both had the very very occasional smack but generally I use a count down from 5 and if by 1 they haven't stopped then sanctions are enforced, be it time out or removal of toys.


JoJo I have to say your memories made me well up no child should ever have to endure what you did

BugglyB

I have to say I know a few people who say 'it never did me any harm' who I think 'mmm but you are very odd!!!'

jojo crikey. You are a real 'survivor' then.

meritaten

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

As I child I was given 3 chances to desist the unwanted behaviour. Third request came with a smack across the legs.
As such pretty much stopped what we were doing by number 2
As we got older we were sent to our rooms which I didn't mind since all my toys were there. My brother loathed it :rotfl:
With my own they have both had the very very occasional smack but generally I use a count down from 5 and if by 1 they haven't stopped then sanctions are enforced, be it time out or removal of toys.


JoJo I have to say your memories made me well up no child should ever have to endure what you did

jeez bitsy - you got a warning! I didnt. If I looked at mum the 'wrong way' I got a smack in the face!
I can never remember a 'warning' - mum believed in swift punishment - tho she didnt do it when dad was there. but it was no use appealing to dad - either mum got in first with her complaint or dad would say 'you must have deserved it'. In dads experience mums didnt hit kids without provocation.
By the time I was in my teens - I hated mum. my bro and sister were never hit - and if they did something wrong I got the blame and was walloped as I was 'looking after them'.
hitting a child doesnt work - I have tried my best to use alternative ways with my own kids - and mostly succeeded.

System

funnythings wrote: »

Smacking a child is totally unacceptable.

How would any adult like it if they did something wrong and they got a smack for it. it's the same for a child, adults who smacks there children in my opinion are abusing them.

Any adult that got smacked as a child who says it done me no harm but really it has, you may have forgotten the pain it caused you and accepted that is how it was for you as a child but you still have those negative memories with you for life.

sorry i have very strong views on smacking

I can see your point but i disagree to a degree.

I can barely remember any of it. It hasn't scarred me for life. It just made me behave when i was being a PITA.

That said there is a world of difference to me from the occsional smack (and by smack i mean more of a sharp tap) to having seven shades of !!!! kicked out of you.

Taadaa

I used to get a wallop without a warning.

The only time I use a physical punishment was when my son was in danger of hurting himself. So if he went to touch the oven, I would push his hand away, or tap it. He would look so shocked he got the message that it was bad, but I explained after 'hot' or whatever the problem was.

It's horrible for children to be physically intimidated by an adult, regardless of the circumstances.

PinkLipgloss

Taadaa wrote: »

I used to get a wallop without a warning.

The only time I use a physical punishment was when my son was in danger of hurting himself. So if he went to touch the oven, I would push his hand away, or tap it. He would look so shocked he got the message that it was bad, but I explained after 'hot' or whatever the problem was.

It's horrible for children to be physically intimidated by an adult, regardless of the circumstances.

Totally agree.

As parents we should be ROLE MODELS.

I would find it completely unacceptable for my son to hit other children/adults. Therefore I would not model that behaviour by hitting him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

BugglyB wrote: »

I have to say I know a few people who say 'it never did me any harm' who I think 'mmm but you are very odd!!!'

jojo crikey. You are a real 'survivor' then.

I'm a bit odd, too. My eldest brother is so damaged by it, he cannot function at all in a personal context, one of the others is, as described by his first ex, 'emotionally !!!!!! and incapable of resisting female attention'. The other two are relatively well adjusted, well, they were the two that weren't hit - one saw everything and hates her for it anyway, one sees no wrong in her.


I'm just incompetent where adult relationships, friendships and parenting are concerned. Hence being unmarried, with a string of insane exes and two kids who don't like me very much, even though I never laid a finger on them.



I'm good with animals, though. They're easy to understand. And I'm damn good at music :cool: It's a lot easier to perform when you know nobody can ever dislike you/say nasty things about you/do anything as bad as she has done.



(Thanks to Bitsy, too.)

dragonette

I don't think I was ever hit as a child, my mum would say that she was going to count to 3. I never pushed it beyond 2.5. Generally a look and a warning noise was enough to stop me from whatever it was.

Her philosophy is: establish rules and behaviour as early as poss and if you need to smack then you've already lost control.

I was also expected to be capable of looking after myself from about 15 years old. She was always there and I knew I only needed to ask to get lots of help and support. I have had to teach friends and partners how to open bank accoints, understand interest rates and other adult type things I seemed to absorb through being treated as a complete human rather a child. Not applicable till a child is older I know, but worth considering

I don't have any kids myself (no interest) but am the least mentally screwed up by my family in my social circle, and have a fantastic relationship with my mum. My friends whose parents smacked, or had confusing rules or uncontrolled chaos still have poor family relationships. Some of those patterns have continued with partner and a lot of heartache.

It all depends on the personality of the parents and children. I read a great book called "They f*** you up" which talks about minor variations in approach can encourage different personalities in siblings, it was very illuminating. Ultimately, as long as you all end up happy and the children are happy and balanced individuals you've done a good job

DVardysShadow

dragonette wrote: »

I was also expected to be capable of looking after myself from about 15 years old. She was always there and I knew I only needed to ask to get lots of help and support. I have had to teach friends and partners how to open bank accoints, understand interest rates and other adult type things I seemed to absorb through being treated as a complete human rather a child. Not applicable till a child is older I know, but worth considering

It is amazing looking at other parts of the site the number of people who move into their first property and don't know they should read the meters. And don't know how to. Adn accespt the situation if they are told that the meters are in a locked cupboard or room which they are not allowed access to.

I suppose it stems from treating children as children rather than soon to be adults - and targetting compliance as the first objective of child raising.