Is the naughty step enough? What did your parents do?

PinkLipgloss

I personally don't agree with Super Nanny and the "naughty step" techniques. They are essentially based on research by the psychologist Pavlov who did experiments with dogs, pigeons and such like.

Whilst Pavlov's techniques are great for training dogs (basically "conditioning" by reinforcing positive behaviour, highlighting and punishing bad). It's basically all about compliance. I don't want to treat my students or my son that way!

If you are interested in alternatives - and by that I don't mean tree hugging hippy stuff - then research Alfie Kohn. He has a book I'd recommend called Unconditional Parenting.

SqueekyMouse

I remember being smacked on the bottom twice as a child.

Once by my Dad because I was breathing on the glass sneeze guard in the local butchers and drawing pictures in the condensation from my breath. When Dad reminds me of this story now he always mentions that the lady in the queue behind us told him off because she thought it was unacceptable to smack a child.

The second time was by my Mum for making patterns in the royal icing on a Christmas cake with the characters that we were decorating it with. I walked them over the cake, leaving their footprints behind them and leaving a trail from the figure of a boy on a sledge.

Looking back I find my Dad smacking me more acceptable because I remember that it wasn't done in anger. When my Mum smacked me she was frustrated and cross. I understand why as an adult (I get frazzled by the lead up to Christmas an I don't have 15 people descending on my house like she used to), but as a child it didn't make sense to me because she'd asked me to decorate the cake - I thought I was helping!

Now I have my own child and I'm really not sure where I stand on the whole smacking issue. It worked for me, I was very well behaved, but I couldn't imagine smacking my little girl.

I think though if you are going to smack a child it has to be done when you're in real control of yourself and the child should understand the reason behind the punishment.

geri1965_2

Tea-and-Cake wrote: »

For what sort of thing and do you think that was right?

Oh lord, I can't remember what I did or what I thought about it. I remember one time going "Ha! Didn't hurt anyway!" then going into the shed and looking at my red legs.

Dad hit me twice, once for running across the road without looking and once for breaking something at home. It was very, very rare for him to do it so I remember those times more clearly.

BitterAndTwisted

If you think using the naughty step technique and a reward chart for good behaviour aren't working then you're not using them properly and consistently.

The mere suggestion that our mother would withdraw her approval was enough to get us in line when we were small. Later it was the slipper

SqueekyMouse

Actually isn't there a legal issue with smacking children now? Isn't it classed as child abuse? Can anyone clarify on the law?

skintchick

I don't use the naughty step or reward charts. I don't like them.

I read some research recently that said children do not think about what they have done wrong when they are on a naughty step or similar, they just think about how unfair their parent is being and seethe quietly! That really resonated with me.

I use a technique I call the no-choice choice. Basically I follow a script that goes:

(child's name), you need to do/stop doing X now.

wait for response, if (when) it is no say:

I can see you're having trouble doing/stopping X right now. I am going to count down from 5, and if you are still having trouble then I will help you to do/stop doing X.

Nine times out of ten DD will do what I have asked by the time I get to '1'. The other times, I simply then help her do or stop doing whatever it is, so put her shoes on her, or take her hand and move her away from something, or whatever.

When I first heard about it I thought it was ridiculously wishy wahsy and wouldn't work. But it really does.

And the best thing about it is that it doesn't pitch you and your child against each other. You acknowledge they are having a hard time doing what you've requested, so you acknowledge their feelings, you give them a chance to do it themselves in the knowledge that if they don't then you will help them do it, and then if they don't do it themselves, you work with them to achieve it.

As long as you don't lose your temper then this works really well, and the person I learned it off has older children than me and uses it with all of them.

I find I lose my temper much less using this method because there is no opportunity for repeated refusals - they get one chance and then you do it together.

If my DD does it herself then I thank her for doing what I asked her to, so her behaviour is rewarded.

I much prefer this to the methods the Op has mentioned because I don't want an adversarial relationship with my child, which those techniques create. They might work, but they work because of the adult having more power than the child, and I would rather my child did not feel powerless, but felt empowered and helped by me to do things.

And I will just add, I know I only have one child but I know people who use this with more than one, and I would LOVE to have more than one child but it's just not happening right now, so if people could refrain from making comments along those lines I'd be grateful, because I'm rather raw after my fifth miscarriage just this week.

PinkLipgloss

SqueekyMouse wrote: »

Actually isn't there a legal issue with smacking children now? Isn't it classed as child abuse? Can anyone clarify on the law?

Info here:

http://www.findlaw.co.uk/law/family/children/parental_advice/500558.html

Essentially...

so long as a parent uses what could in all circumstances be deemed reasonable force in the home, they are likely to be acting perfectly legally inthe UK. The Children’s Act 2004 makes it illegal to hit a child if it causesbruising, swelling, cuts, grazes or scratches and this is punishable by up to five years’ imprisonment.

PoorCharleyBear

My 5 year old has a real desire to not upset me.
If she thinks I am cross, she stops misbehaving and apologises.

On the odd occasion she has a tantrum, I tend to ignore her and pointedly do something else. If she tries to engage with me, I will say 'not until you have calmed down'...surprisingly this works.

I have a fear she will be a horror teenager to make up for being the delightful little girl she is now.


(My father used to give us the belt, and threaten us. with all sorts of punishments..we were terrified of him. I determinedly will not be like him in any shape or form. I want my daughter to trust and respect me)

skintchick

I just saw this on FB and thought of this thread!

Sorry it's a link, but it is safe.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=503198609696337&set=a.503198603029671.133080.498131950203003&type=1&ref=nf

BitterAndTwisted

skintchick wrote: »

I don't use the naughty step or reward charts. I don't like them.

I read some research recently that said children do not think about what they have done wrong when they are on a naughty step or similar, they just think about how unfair their parent is being and seethe quietly! That really resonated with me.

I've never believed that the purpose of putting a child on the naughty step was to encourage them to think about how they have transgressed. It's to exclude them from whatever it is which everyone else might be doing. Which is what they have disrupted or don't deserve to take part in


If you really want a child to seethe quietly or to just seethe in general the one way to achieve it is to give them a spank with no warning. Which is what I often got.