worried for my children.

DVardysShadow

conradmum wrote: »

Well done, posters on the Marriages forum :T Not only have those negative responders failed to offer a single piece of constructive advice, you've also made someone in a terrible situation feel even worse AND put off any one else considering posting here for advice and support. Well done. Really, well done.

But there is a horrible truth here, which is that neither of the parents of the children are fully adequate. It is plain enough that the father is a waste of space. But the mother is not dealing with this adequately either and given the time this has been running here, the frustration is understandable. And I don't think we do any favours by pretending that the mother is fully adequate. If she were, this would be sorted.

That is not to say that those who think she is not adequate are condemning her. Everyone hopes for better for her and her daughters.

Yes we can say the mother is not up to it, but her heart is in the right place. But if we really knew the father, it might be that his heart is in the right place too but completely and utterly incapable of addressing his own shortcomings. And then we are into excusing his DV. But excusing DV does not wash here, even though some of us might accept that he could want to do the right thing but be completely incapable of understanding what that is or doing it either.

Now, if we do not excuse the DV in any way shape or form, we cannot really excuse the OP for allowing her daughters contact with the ex in a way which exposes them to the risks associated with the ex.

If you are excusing the OP for potentially enabling DV against her daughters, you are beginning to excuse the DV itself. Indeed because the OP is not herself a perpetrator, she cannot avail herself of the excuses of the perpetrator and in respect of her daughters she is held to a higher standard than the ex is. And rightly so.

The frustrating thing to me is that there is only a very limited number of things to be suggested to her. And they have been a long time ago. So all that is left now is to attempt to make her see that she needs to get the matter sorted.

And the more robust posters are probably taking a calculated risk that causing upset which might actually spur the OP to do something after she has calmed down in a few weeks is better than providing an answer which will meet with the approval of the soft brigade [who can be quite hard with people they don't consider soft enough]. My hope is actually that the OP has become a bit angry and can direct some of that anger towards sorting the situation

sassyblue

lilmisschick wrote: »

Approximately 3 years ago I came on here asking for advice about my ex exposing my two daughters to inappropriate films and computer games (18's) when they were 6 and 8 years old - some gave great advice and others told me it wouldn't affect them and he is their dad so not really my business when they're with him.

Bit of history:
I left this relationship after 10 years of emotional abuse and approx 5 times of physical abuse and his general behaviour around my daughters.

conradmum wrote: »

I'm absolutely disgusted that you have let this continue

Let what continue, pray?


Not only have those negative responders failed to offer a single piece of constructive advice

Are we really to believe the OP thought the exposure to violence and behaviour towards the children had stopped in those 3 years with the history he had? Didn't she ask every weekend what had happened during their stay? You'd watch them like a hawk wouldn't you fort heir reaction?

Maybe a fair bit of burying her head in the sand and hoping for the best went on?

And if you read the posts properly there was actually alot of advice given. There has been a fair amount of differing opinions but that isn't bullying, bullying is following someone around berating them. I do hope you've reported the posts you find bullying so MSE can issue warnings where appropriate.

Just recently anyone who has a difference of opinion is a 'bully', that stops any advice being given in case it's misconstrued.

FWIW l don't think the OP's a bad mother, but l do think she has to put a stop to this once and for all. :cool:

PrincessPlaty

Am i missing something here?

You are concerned about the abuse from your ex towards your daughters.
Your daughters live with you.

There is nothing at all to stop you from putting a stop to contact.

If he wants to see them it is down to him to take you to court where the childrens opinions will be taken into consideration and it will be dealt with accordingly.

You think your children are at risk of abuse by going there then im sorry you shouldn't be letting them go.

Tropez

I haven't read all the responses so there is a good chance what I say has already been said and better...

Personally, I'd report him to the police. There is no justification in law for a parent to strike a child with a weapon (hairbrush).

As for not wanting to cease contact entirely because that is not what the children want, sometimes to protect someone you have to do something against their wishes. If your children wanted to play with matches, you would stop them from doing so for their own protection. I dare say that allowing this sort of individual contact with your children then it is akin to playing with fire.

Psychologically speaking, those who engage in regular violent behaviour, particularly those who inflict violence upon their own children, are much more likely to escalate the level of violence if allowed enough time.

amyloofoo

emsywoo123 wrote: »

She was worried 3 years ago about the children with their father.

She is still worried (with just cause)

Why do we have to be all softly softly (still)

it's not a question of !!!!!ing or nasty for the sake of it.

I do not really care what you think of me tbh, the number of likes to my initial response shows that I am not alone in my thoughts!

Nice bullying by the way.

I shall bow out and allow you all to "support" the OP.

Hi Emsy,

I hope you don't feel as though you're being attacked, I can definitely see your point of view and the thought of people not making sure their children are safe makes my blood boil :mad: I think what we were trying to say is that the OP is making steps to help keep her children safe, i.e. encouraging her daughter to speak to her teacher, co-operating with social services and stopping access whilst this is investigated - whilst she might not have been as swift or forceful in doing this as most of us would like, I think it's important to understand the difficult position she's in. Of course her children's safety comes first, but she's been in a controlling and abusive relationship with this man for years, and that abusive dynamic is continuing through his control of the children. She's had years of being told she's no good and generally having her self-confidence destroyed, in this position, I can understand how she feels scared to act and think she should be praised for doing so.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

But there is a horrible truth here, which is that neither of the parents of the children are fully adequate. It is plain enough that the father is a waste of space. But the mother is not dealing with this adequately either and given the time this has been running here, the frustration is understandable. And I don't think we do any favours by pretending that the mother is fully adequate. If she were, this would be sorted.

I would agree with this to an extent, however I think it's important to note that the OP's post from 3 years ago does not express concerns about him abusing their children; although he undoubtedly demonstrates unpleasant behaviour in that thread, his behaviour is no worse than many other parents and is not necessarily grounds for stopping contact. It's only recently that concerns about him physically abusing these children has arisen, and the OP seems to have acted pretty swiftly, even if not as forcefully as we'd like.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

That is not to say that those who think she is not adequate are condemning her. Everyone hopes for better for her and her daughters.

I think most, probably all, posters do generally want better for her and her children, but I think some posts have gone too far and run the risk of alienating a vulnerable woman, rather than reinforcing the positive steps she's already taken. She's been given some really good advice by several posters on this thread and it would be a shame if she didn't act on some of this because she was too angry / upset at some of the other comments. I'm not saying people have to '!!!!!foot' around the issues, but a little consideration and sensitivity goes a long way.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Yes we can say the mother is not up to it, but her heart is in the right place. But if we really knew the father, it might be that his heart is in the right place too but completely and utterly incapable of addressing his own shortcomings. And then we are into excusing his DV. But excusing DV does not wash here, even though some of us might accept that he could want to do the right thing but be completely incapable of understanding what that is or doing it either.

Now, if we do not excuse the DV in any way shape or form, we cannot really excuse the OP for allowing her daughters contact with the ex in a way which exposes them to the risks associated with the ex.

If you are excusing the OP for potentially enabling DV against her daughters, you are beginning to excuse the DV itself. Indeed because the OP is not herself a perpetrator, she cannot avail herself of the excuses of the perpetrator and in respect of her daughters she is held to a higher standard than the ex is. And rightly so.

I can honestly say that I haven't seen anyone excuse domestic violence, and I hope I don't in the future. Whatever the father's 'reasons', and he may well have genuine issues and frustrations, this is never excusable, whether it's directed towards the OP or their children.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

The frustrating thing to me is that there is only a very limited number of things to be suggested to her. And they have been a long time ago. So all that is left now is to attempt to make her see that she needs to get the matter sorted.

And the more robust posters are probably taking a calculated risk that causing upset which might actually spur the OP to do something after she has calmed down in a few weeks is better than providing an answer which will meet with the approval of the soft brigade [who can be quite hard with people they don't consider soft enough]. My hope is actually that the OP has become a bit angry and can direct some of that anger towards sorting the situation

I hope that the 'calculated risk' these posters are making pays off, otherwise we run the risk of making the OP more isolated and less likely to seek help in the future. I think that would be a real shame as she has received some good help on this thread and she and her children could benefit from taking some of the steps, i.e. contacting Women's Aid, etc. I don't believe any of the posters wanted the outcome of making the OP more alienated and defensive, but that could well be what happens as a result of some of the harsher posts.