worried for my children.

Ellejmorgan

Ada_Doom wrote: »

This women has come on here for support and others have judged her really harshly and unhelpfully. Some of your responses do smack of bullying imao.

OP, if you stopped contact and he made an application to the courts for contact CAFCASS, the childrens advisors who work with the courts would get involved. They do a safeguarding check on both parents, did you ever get the police involved about past violence? or social services? As that would show up in the safeguarding check. The application would result in a hearing at court which you would be invited to attend, and this would give you the opportunity to tell the District Judge/Magistrates your concerns over the treatment of your children. The court could also order CAFCASS to do a more detailed report in the children and their wishes and feelings, and investigate your daughters allegations. If you can get some advice from a solicitor that would be great, or the CAB website is quite useful. Or Domestic Violence charities may help, or at least give you numbers of those who can.

And remember that those posters on here who have called you a bad mother know nothing about you, they are strangers who may well have issues of their own, don't let their opinions cloud your judgement. Maybe talking to good friends, and family will be more helpful in the long run. Sometimes the internet sucks, and this is one of those times. I wish you luck.

He cannot apply to the Courts without attending mediation first..

OP please speak to Womans Aid they can direct you to a very good DV support service...

Judy_Judy

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

He cannot apply to the Courts without attending mediation first..

OP please speak to Womans Aid they can direct you to a very good DV support service...

They don't force mediation when there has been domestic violence it is considered that they are putting the victim of domestic violence in a dangerous situation as the mediators are not trained or there to prevent another attack.

Ellejmorgan

Judy_Judy wrote: »

They don't force mediation when there has been domestic violence it is considered that they are putting the victim of domestic violence in a dangerous situation as the mediators are not trained or there to prevent another attack.

It would need to be documented though, this case isn't documented..

Even in cases of DV woman are still expected to facilitate contact and hand their child over even after the court case...

I am involved in a DV support group run by a well known author which also runs education programmes in refuges, I have contact with other women who have had to attend mediation as did I, despite the DV..

He is highly unlikely to get supervised contact, trust me I know i'm talking about..
I have recently been forced to break my ex's order due to his ongoing emotional abuse of our daughter..
If he takes it further I will get into trouble, my ex did a lot worse than OP's partner...

He even admitted to DV, drug & drink driving in court but still got unsupervised..

Ilona

I haven't read all the posts, but when I read that he hits the dog with a belt I want to go round there and and smash the belt round his evil head. Please report the monster to the RSPCA. Please save the dog from more suffering.
Ilona

amyloofoo

Hi lilmisschick,

I can understand your frustrations with this site, and this thread definitely shows some of the pitfalls of asking for advice on a public forum. You've had a lot of responses, some of which were helpful, some less so but I think they were all well meant so try not to take them to heart. People are only reacting in the way that they are because they're concerned for (in order) your children, yourself and your ex's dog.

You've been given some really useful information about organisations such as Women's Aid and CAFCASS who may be able to support you, and I hope you contact these and get the nonjudgemental advice you need to make the best of the situation you're in. Whoever made the actual referral, I'm really pleased that Social Services are involved and should now be in a position to make a proper assessment. Whatever anyone says, you can be proud of yourself that your actions are helping to keep your children safe.

Having said that, I agree with other posters who've pointed out that however intimidated you may still be by this man, and however much you don't want to believe that something serious is happening; now that these allegations have been made and you have doubts yourself, it's your duty to make sure that your children aren't left unsupervised until this has been sorted one way or the other. The children shouldn't be prevented from seeing their father if they want to, but you need to fight to ensure that this takes place in an environment that's safe for them.

It's really positive that you're able to receive legal advice. Take full advantage of this and make sure your solicitor knows the needs, wishes and concerns of yourself and your children. It's often very easy for those involved in family law to go for the 'simplest' rather than the 'best' option so you need to make your expectations clear from the outset.

I sympathise with the poster who pointed out that children can often say things which aren't entirely true or which may have been exaggerated, and if this is the case then this situation is likely to be very distressing for your ex. However sympathetic I may be if he's been unfairly accused, if this is the case then Social Services will soon clear him and at least you've demonstrated to him that you take threats to your children's safety seriously. I'm sure that, as a parent, he wouldn't want or expect you to react any differently when learning about such serious allegations.

On a longer term note, I think it's going to be really important that you get your daughter some emotional support. Whether she has been abused by her father, or has just made these allegations inappropriately, she is going to be distressed by this incident and how it's dealt with whilst she's young is going to be crucial in ensuring that she recovers well from this and doesn't suffer lasting emotional damage. Maybe you could find out if the school has a counsellor she could speak to? Alternatively if it's going through Social Services then they may be able to help.

I know it might be the least of your concerns whilst you're worried about your children, but I can't stop thinking about that poor dog. Please make sure the RSPCA are contacted and that animal receives the care it needs. This can be done anonymously and if he treats it as badly as you claim, I'm sure there will be plenty of eyewitnesses who could have been responsible for the referral, so he's unlikely to be able to blame it on you.

conradmum

lazer wrote: »

I'm going to play devils advocate here, the only way you know these things is because your children tell you - how do you know they are telling the truth?

Perhaps - your daughter jsut doesn't want to do the chores, but still wants to see her dad, so doens;t want to go to his house?

Perhaps what you children describe as being hit is in fact a light smack, and appropriate in the circumstances? Do you smack your children at all?

If your daughter is afraid of him, then i think you have a duty to support her and help her as much as you can, but is obviously not afraid of him completely, as she still wants to see him.

My Dad regularly shouted at me, but thats because i was always getting into trouble and wouldn't do what i was told - and his patience eventually give.

Good luck for the future OP

The OP states in her post that her ex was physically abusive towards her. I'm going to play devil's advocate here and suggest maybe didn't read the post all the way through?

Children will continue to want to see and live with parents who are emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. It is part of an abuser's method to convince the victim that they are responsible for the abuse. Children are especially vulnerable to this due to their lack of experience and perspective.

The fact that the daughter still wants to see her dad despite the fact that he's hurt her indicates that he is being abusive. Not that he isn't. Children aren't usually backward at saying they don't like something unless they're being manipulated in some way.

conradmum

amyloofoo wrote: »

I can understand your frustrations with this site, and this thread definitely shows some of the pitfalls of asking for advice on a public forum. You've had a lot of responses, some of which were helpful, some less so but I think they were all well meant so try not to take them to heart. People are only reacting in the way that they are because they're concerned for (in order) your children, yourself and your ex's dog.

I think your post is a good one and I'm just quoting you here in order to make a point.

I don't think any of the nasty responses on this thread were remotely well meant and out of concern for the OP or her children. If those responders had any concern for her or her children they would have posted constructive advice, not told her to do what she was already going to do and at the same time slag her off for being a bad mother.

Let's look at what she actually said:

I naturally am devastated that they are enduring his abuse. I always assumed that maybe I rubbed him up the wrong way and it was my fault (that's what he said) and he wouldn't dream of doing it to his children but clearly I was wrong. I have confronted him before about minor things like him feeding them take aways all weekend and them coming home without baths/ showers but its always been a waste of time.

I now have concerns around their safety and well being and do not know what to do or where to start.
I encouraged my daughter to speak to her teacher as she said she cannot stop crying at school and that took place yesterday. Her teacher has advised I stop contact with immediate effect.
I have told my daughter about the concerns we have and she understands. She said she feels better about finally telling me.

The school have put in a referral to social services as part of their safeguarding protocol but I believe they won't have any interest in this case as the children are safe at home. Hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow.

I am not wanting to stop access completely as this is not what the girls want but I cant allow them to be in this awful situation anymore. Oldest daughter is also concerned that he is going to be really angry with her for 'telling on him' (this has happened before).
I am scared myself to contact him to tell him access is being stopped temporarily. I feel sick.


Then let's look at the replies she received:


Do you want opinions? I cannot believe you let them go, and now knowing all you know, you are still considering letting them go

This, despite the fact that the OP makes it clear she didn't suspect any abuse whatsoever until she heard of it and that she's going to prevent access. She didn't let them go and she isn't considering letting them go.


but you really do seem to be blinkered

Blinkered about what? She found out about the abuse and took action. What more is she supposed to do?


you're not taking any action to ensure they are protected from this vile man. Shame on you.

This, despite the fact that the OP stated she was stopping contact.


You need to pull your finger out and be a mother.

Unfit mother accusation.


I'm absolutely disgusted that you have let this continue

Let what continue, pray?


How much abuse will your children have to accept before you, as a mother, stand up to your responsibilities.

Let's remind ourselves that the OP did take action as soon as she found out about the abuse, something that this responder seems to have missed in her rush to condemn.


You know what is going on, he is mis treating your children and you are allowing it to go on.

Do something about it !!!!!!.

Another poster who apparently missed the fact that the OP is doing something about it.


OP, do you realise that you are being an enabler to your ex behaving like this when your children are in his "care"

So she's an enabler because as soon as she found out what was going on she's going to cease contact?


as a Mother its your duty, your job, to protect your kids but it doesnt sound to me that you are prepared to do that.

Another accusation of being an unfit mother, despite the fact that she is acting on the situation.


But she is a parent In my book that means protecting my children and facing upto and protecting them from dangerous situations

And yet another unfit mother accusation.


as someone else suggested you are enabling this behaviour.

Despite the fact that the OP has done nothing to enable the behaviour.

I can't be bothered to go on.

None of those comments are 'well-meant'. They were written by people who either failed to read the OP's post or who read it but decided for whatever deep and horrible reason they were going to attack her anyway.

I pity the OP, I really do. She has to maintain contact with this man who abused her because he's the father of her children. Then when she finds out that he's started abusing her children too and she comes on here for advice she gets told a) it's her fault because apparently she's an 'enabler' b) she's an unfit mother c) she needs to do something (why do you think she's on here asking for advice !!!!!!?) d) she should stop contact (which she's already decided to do)

Well done, posters on the Marriages forum :T Not only have those negative responders failed to offer a single piece of constructive advice, you've also made someone in a terrible situation feel even worse AND put off any one else considering posting here for advice and support. Well done. Really, well done.

amyloofoo

conradmum wrote: »

I think your post is a good one and I'm just quoting you here in order to make a point.

I don't think any of the nasty responses on this thread were remotely well meant and out of concern for the OP or her children. If those responders had any concern for her or her children they would have posted constructive advice, not told her to do what she was already going to do and at the same time slag her off for being a bad mother.

Let's look at what she actually said:

I naturally am devastated that they are enduring his abuse. I always assumed that maybe I rubbed him up the wrong way and it was my fault (that's what he said) and he wouldn't dream of doing it to his children but clearly I was wrong. I have confronted him before about minor things like him feeding them take aways all weekend and them coming home without baths/ showers but its always been a waste of time.

I now have concerns around their safety and well being and do not know what to do or where to start.
I encouraged my daughter to speak to her teacher as she said she cannot stop crying at school and that took place yesterday. Her teacher has advised I stop contact with immediate effect.
I have told my daughter about the concerns we have and she understands. She said she feels better about finally telling me.

The school have put in a referral to social services as part of their safeguarding protocol but I believe they won't have any interest in this case as the children are safe at home. Hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow.

I am not wanting to stop access completely as this is not what the girls want but I cant allow them to be in this awful situation anymore. Oldest daughter is also concerned that he is going to be really angry with her for 'telling on him' (this has happened before).
I am scared myself to contact him to tell him access is being stopped temporarily. I feel sick.


Then let's look at the replies she received:


Do you want opinions? I cannot believe you let them go, and now knowing all you know, you are still considering letting them go

This, despite the fact that the OP makes it clear she didn't suspect any abuse whatsoever until she heard of it and that she's going to prevent access. She didn't let them go and she isn't considering letting them go.


but you really do seem to be blinkered

Blinkered about what? She found out about the abuse and took action. What more is she supposed to do?


you're not taking any action to ensure they are protected from this vile man. Shame on you.

This, despite the fact that the OP stated she was stopping contact.


You need to pull your finger out and be a mother.

Unfit mother accusation.


I'm absolutely disgusted that you have let this continue

Let what continue, pray?


How much abuse will your children have to accept before you, as a mother, stand up to your responsibilities.

Let's remind ourselves that the OP did take action as soon as she found out about the abuse, something that this responder seems to have missed in her rush to condemn.


You know what is going on, he is mis treating your children and you are allowing it to go on.

Do something about it !!!!!!.

Another poster who apparently missed the fact that the OP is doing something about it.


OP, do you realise that you are being an enabler to your ex behaving like this when your children are in his "care"

So she's an enabler because as soon as she found out what was going on she's going to cease contact?


as a Mother its your duty, your job, to protect your kids but it doesnt sound to me that you are prepared to do that.

Another accusation of being an unfit mother, despite the fact that she is acting on the situation.


But she is a parent In my book that means protecting my children and facing upto and protecting them from dangerous situations

And yet another unfit mother accusation.


as someone else suggested you are enabling this behaviour.

Despite the fact that the OP has done nothing to enable the behaviour.

I can't be bothered to go on.

None of those comments are 'well-meant'. They were written by people who either failed to read the OP's post or who read it but decided for whatever deep and horrible reason they were going to attack her anyway.

I pity the OP, I really do. She has to maintain contact with this man who abused her because he's the father of her children. Then when she finds out that he's started abusing her children too and she comes on here for advice she gets told a) it's her fault because apparently she's an 'enabler' b) she's an unfit mother c) she needs to do something (why do you think she's on here asking for advice !!!!!!?) d) she should stop contact (which she's already decided to do)

Well done, posters on the Marriages forum :T Not only have those negative responders failed to offer a single piece of constructive advice, you've also made someone in a terrible situation feel even worse AND put off any one else considering posting here for advice and support. Well done. Really, well done.

Actually Conradsmum, you're right and it's really depressing that those replies may have made somebody in the OP's position feel worse and possibly dissuade her from asking for help in the future.

I always like to presume that most people are motivated by wanting to help, and that a lot of the outrage is due to the thought that children may be in danger, but perhaps some posters need to read the post fully before responding and think about the consequences of what they're saying.

I can't imagine being in a position where I have constant ties to an abusive man, and feel that I have to be the 'bigger person' because of the children. It must be a horrible feeling and some here show a distinct lack of sympathy towards a vulnerable woman in an unenviable position.

Yes, the most important thing about this story is that the children remain safe - but the OP already expressed that she was taking action to make sure that this was the case. We should be supporting her in this decision, boosting her confidence to be able to act and reinforcing the needs of the children in this situation rather than criticising the specifics.

Gigervamp

Hear, hear Conradsmum. :T

I think some people just like to b!tch on here to make themselves feel superior. Also, it's amazing the amount of times someone posts who clearly hasn't read the OP properly or subsequent replies by the OP. How many times does someone say "I haven't read all the thread"? You don't have to read ALL the thread, but reading all of the posts in that thread by the OP makes all the difference.

It's not rocket science.

emsywoo123

She was worried 3 years ago about the children with their father.

She is still worried (with just cause)

Why do we have to be all softly softly (still)

it's not a question of !!!!!ing or nasty for the sake of it.

I do not really care what you think of me tbh, the number of likes to my initial response shows that I am not alone in my thoughts!

Nice bullying by the way.

I shall bow out and allow you all to "support" the OP.