worried for my children.

emsywoo123

lilmisschick wrote: »

Yes I do, because you have implied I am a bad mother who does not care for my children. I'm not going to justify myself on this any further.

I used the word 'conpletely' meaning forever, or without supervised contact because by me not allowing then to know their father is just as detrimental to a child's life too. I then proceed to say but I cannot allow them to go.

Interpret how you like. I think judging by the amount of times you post (considering you jumped on both my threads 3 years apart) goes to show you have nothing better to do with your own life than to sit and judge others.

:rotfl: Ok, it is nothing to do with the fact that this is a subject on which I know a little about, and feel particularly strongly about.

Apparently I post on average twice a day. But don't let facts get in the way of your rant.

I hope having a go at me makes you feel much better about it all.

lazer

lilmisschick wrote: »

Hi,

I need some advice please.

Approximately 3 years ago I came on here asking for advice about my ex exposing my two daughters to inappropriate films and computer games (18's) when they were 6 and 8 years old - some gave great advice and others told me it wouldn't affect them and he is their dad so not really my business when they're with him.

Bit of history:
I left this relationship after 10 years of emotional abuse and approx 5 times of physical abuse and his general behaviour around my daughters.
He has had regular access for 5 years since the separation - every other weekend friday- sunday evening.
He has had numerous partners where my daughters have slept round all of theirs!


Ok, so the story now....

A few nights ago my oldest daughter told me that she is scared of being around him. She is almost 11 now.
He has hit both her and her sister on a few occasions (either smacked whilst being told off, hit on the head with hand or hairbrush, pushed against furniture and had a coat hanger thrown at oldest daughter).
He shouts at them regularly.
He continues to play COD and black ops in front of them and swears and shouts at that continuously.
He puts them in front of inappropriate films still (with sex, drugs, violence and bad language- despite them saying they don't like it). He drives really fast in the car and again shouts at other road users.
He has a dog that when its naughty, he hits with a belt and the girls have to leave the room.
He makes them do many chores when they are spending the weekend with him (keep this in context, chores for kids are good- slavery is not) Oldest daughter said this weekend she had to wash up, take the bins out and regularly take his dog outside for wee's. When she contested this and asked why he can't do it himself, he pulled her off the chair and said she has to! This is where she has had enough.
I could go on but I think I have outlined the kind of time they have with him.

We have spoken in great depth about her wishes and feelings.
She wants to continue seeing him because she is very loyal to him and says it will upset him if she doesn't go anymore. Youngest daughter says she only goes because the oldest one does- there has never been much of a bond there!

Anyway, I naturally am devastated that they are enduring his abuse. I always assumed that maybe I rubbed him up the wrong way and it was my fault (that's what he said) and he wouldn't dream of doing it to his children but clearly I was wrong. I have confronted him before about minor things like him feeding them take aways all weekend and them coming home without baths/ showers but its always been a waste of time.

I now have concerns around their safety and well being and do not know what to do or where to start.
I encouraged my daughter to speak to her teacher as she said she cannot stop crying at school and that took place yesterday. Her teacher has advised I stop contact with immediate effect.
I have told my daughter about the concerns we have and she understands. She said she feels better about finally telling me.

The school have put in a referral to social services as part of their safeguarding protocol but I believe they won't have any interest in this case as the children are safe at home. Hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow.

I am not wanting to stop access completely as this is not what the girls want but I cant allow them to be in this awful situation anymore. Oldest daughter is also concerned that he is going to be really angry with her for 'telling on him' (this has happened before).
I am scared myself to contact him to tell him access is being stopped temporarily. I feel sick.

Advise please? Thanks for reading this long post!

I'm going to play devils advocate here, the only way you know these things is because your children tell you - how do you know they are telling the truth?

Perhaps - your daughter jsut doesn't want to do the chores, but still wants to see her dad, so doens;t want to go to his house?

Perhaps what you children describe as being hit is in fact a light smack, and appropriate in the circumstances? Do you smack your children at all?

If your daughter is afraid of him, then i think you have a duty to support her and help her as much as you can, but is obviously not afraid of him completely, as she still wants to see him.

My Dad regularly shouted at me, but thats because i was always getting into trouble and wouldn't do what i was told - and his patience eventually give.

Good luck for the future OP

sassyblue

I don't know how you do it but you need to make sure he only has SUPERVISED access now. I'm surprised you've been apart so long but are still scared of him, this is coming across in your posts. You must have made some progress, time to make some more!

I can see you haven't liked all the advice given but lMO you needed that kick up the backside, as someone else suggested you are enabling this behaviour.

Get it stopped. The law is on your side and any potential violence from him won't be tolerated.

amus

I would say any 'man' who can hurt a defenceless animal could be quite capable of doing the same to a defenceless human i.e. your daughters.

Please contact the RSPCA!

Perhaps the NSPCC or a womens charity can give you some advice about how best to protect yourself and your children.

If it were me though I would not let my kids anywhere near him unless fully supervised!

DVardysShadow

lilmisschick wrote: »

Thanks once again.

Social services have given advice to seek private law and closed the case as they are safe at home- as I thought.

CAB have said there is no proof of abuse. He has PR and the children want to go so I may have trouble stopping access if he is persistent.

I've got an appointment with a family solicitor tomorrow.

I never said after finding out all this that I would continue to allow them to go. Leave me alone now you awful bully.

Your children are at far more risk from your ex than you ever could be from anything emsywoo says here. I can understand that you are long term angry and I suppose if you hit out at people here who tell you you are not dealing with this correctly, you might feel better about it.

But you feeling better for having vented some anger at an undeserving person here is not going to move your problem forward one little bit.

Ada_Doom

This women has come on here for support and others have judged her really harshly and unhelpfully. Some of your responses do smack of bullying imao.

OP, if you stopped contact and he made an application to the courts for contact CAFCASS, the childrens advisors who work with the courts would get involved. They do a safeguarding check on both parents, did you ever get the police involved about past violence? or social services? As that would show up in the safeguarding check. The application would result in a hearing at court which you would be invited to attend, and this would give you the opportunity to tell the District Judge/Magistrates your concerns over the treatment of your children. The court could also order CAFCASS to do a more detailed report in the children and their wishes and feelings, and investigate your daughters allegations. If you can get some advice from a solicitor that would be great, or the CAB website is quite useful. Or Domestic Violence charities may help, or at least give you numbers of those who can.

And remember that those posters on here who have called you a bad mother know nothing about you, they are strangers who may well have issues of their own, don't let their opinions cloud your judgement. Maybe talking to good friends, and family will be more helpful in the long run. Sometimes the internet sucks, and this is one of those times. I wish you luck.

emsywoo123

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Your children are at far more risk from your ex than you ever could be from anything emsywoo says here. I can understand that you are long term angry and I suppose if you hit out at people here who tell you you are not dealing with this correctly, you might feel better about it.

But you feeling better for having vented some anger at an undeserving person here is not going to move your problem forward one little bit.

Thank you, this is what I was trying to say

emsywoo123

Ada_Doom wrote: »

And remember that those posters on here who have called you a bad mother know nothing about you, they are strangers who may well have issues of their own, don't let their opinions cloud your judgement. Maybe talking to good friends, and family will be more helpful in the long run. Sometimes the internet sucks, and this is one of those times. I wish you luck.

No one has actually called her a bad mother. But again, don't let facts stop you either :rotfl:

Just because I (and others) have voiced a perfectly reasonable opinion, that she herself invited by posting on a forum, does not make me a bully.

And as a side note, calling me a bully is far worse than anything I have called the OP, so what does that make the poster/s that have claimed that. The only reason I have not got huffy is because I appreciate that she must be upset/worried/emotional and therefore needs to vent. which makes me the opposite of a bully

Judy_Judy

OP You don't need to go to court or anywhere you are the resident parent, you just stop contact. If he wants it resumed he has to take you to court and at that stage the ascertainable wishes of the child will be a major factor.

When you send your children in to a known abusive situation you are telling them that that behaviour is ok. What if that is what they come to see as how their husbands should behave.

Step up now Mum, teach your children what is and is not acceptable and a part of doing that is acknowledging that your daughter wants to see him but stopping that and telling her why so she will understand that women or anyone for that matter don't have to put up with abuse.

That advice could well last them a lifetime.

FatVonD

Please also report him to the RSPCA if nobody else has already suggested it. If you don't want to then feel free to PM me his address and I'll happily do it for you.