worried for my children.

lilmisschick

Hi,

I need some advice please.

Approximately 3 years ago I came on here asking for advice about my ex exposing my two daughters to inappropriate films and computer games (18's) when they were 6 and 8 years old - some gave great advice and others told me it wouldn't affect them and he is their dad so not really my business when they're with him.

Bit of history:
I left this relationship after 10 years of emotional abuse and approx 5 times of physical abuse and his general behaviour around my daughters.
He has had regular access for 5 years since the separation - every other weekend friday- sunday evening.
He has had numerous partners where my daughters have slept round all of theirs!


Ok, so the story now....

A few nights ago my oldest daughter told me that she is scared of being around him. She is almost 11 now.
He has hit both her and her sister on a few occasions (either smacked whilst being told off, hit on the head with hand or hairbrush, pushed against furniture and had a coat hanger thrown at oldest daughter).
He shouts at them regularly.
He continues to play COD and black ops in front of them and swears and shouts at that continuously.
He puts them in front of inappropriate films still (with sex, drugs, violence and bad language- despite them saying they don't like it). He drives really fast in the car and again shouts at other road users.
He has a dog that when its naughty, he hits with a belt and the girls have to leave the room.
He makes them do many chores when they are spending the weekend with him (keep this in context, chores for kids are good- slavery is not) Oldest daughter said this weekend she had to wash up, take the bins out and regularly take his dog outside for wee's. When she contested this and asked why he can't do it himself, he pulled her off the chair and said she has to! This is where she has had enough.
I could go on but I think I have outlined the kind of time they have with him.

We have spoken in great depth about her wishes and feelings.
She wants to continue seeing him because she is very loyal to him and says it will upset him if she doesn't go anymore. Youngest daughter says she only goes because the oldest one does- there has never been much of a bond there!

Anyway, I naturally am devastated that they are enduring his abuse. I always assumed that maybe I rubbed him up the wrong way and it was my fault (that's what he said) and he wouldn't dream of doing it to his children but clearly I was wrong. I have confronted him before about minor things like him feeding them take aways all weekend and them coming home without baths/ showers but its always been a waste of time.

I now have concerns around their safety and well being and do not know what to do or where to start.
I encouraged my daughter to speak to her teacher as she said she cannot stop crying at school and that took place yesterday. Her teacher has advised I stop contact with immediate effect.
I have told my daughter about the concerns we have and she understands. She said she feels better about finally telling me.

The school have put in a referral to social services as part of their safeguarding protocol but I believe they won't have any interest in this case as the children are safe at home. Hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow.

I am not wanting to stop access completely as this is not what the girls want but I cant allow them to be in this awful situation anymore. Oldest daughter is also concerned that he is going to be really angry with her for 'telling on him' (this has happened before).
I am scared myself to contact him to tell him access is being stopped temporarily. I feel sick.

Advise please? Thanks for reading this long post!

emsywoo123

I tried 3 times to reply to your post, but each time I had less sympathy for you and came across as quite rude I think.

Do you want opinions? I cannot believe you let them go, and now knowing all you know, you are still considering letting them go. You palmed the issue off to her teacher?

I think you are perhaps naive about Social Services - they *will* have an interest!

I'm stopping now. Other posters will be along shortly to chastise me for being so blunt, but you really do seem to be blinkered.

emsywoo123

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2310833

Mmm. I was first to comment last time! Thought it sounded familiar!

And my stance has not changed :cool:

Gigervamp

If your children still want to see him, you could always apply through the courts to only let him have supervised access.

You can't possibly allow them to see him unsupervised now you know what's been going on.

Itsgottabedone

Your girls need to be safe, and you're not taking any action to ensure they are protected from this vile man. Shame on you.

coinxoperated

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the above post.

You need to pull your finger out and be a mother. Giving birth did not qualify you for being a good parent.

I wouldn't let a child of mine be anywhere near somebody that hurts ANYTHING, including dogs, them, others or me.

I'm absolutely disgusted that you have let this continue. And in truth, You obviously know its going on and are allowing him to have contact with them. That makes you as bad as him in my eyes.

Social services will have A LOT to say about it, and I would be in the Q to report you and him!

Regardless of him impregnating you, he obviously IS NOT father material. So remove the children, give him the reasons, got social services involved yourself if you need too.

How at WILL you let it go? How much abuse will your children have to accept before you, as a mother, stand up to your responsibilities.

Regardless of how much they miss him or ask for him, you shouldn't let this continue.


When they moan to eat McDonald's, do you give in?
When they don't want to come shopping with you, do you leave them at home?

The above poster was very polite, unfortunately, I'm pretty fuming that you let this continue and come online asking others what to do. It's pretty clear!!!!! GET THEM AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!


One day, they will thank you.

If you don't, one day they might not even be around to hate you for what you are doing.

You said he was physically violent against you.

What happens when they come back after being hit with the belt he uses with for the poor dog.


You need to live up to your responsibilities and put your children first. You are the adult, and parent, and you can make changes that they may not like straight away, but will understand why later on.

I sincerely do hope social services become very involved.

geri1965_2

For starters, report him to the RSPCA for hitting the dog. Maybe a visit from them might make him think twice.

lilmisschick

I should have known I would have had these replies from here hence why I stopped coming on here.

I only found out about this 2 nights ago.

I would love nothing more than to stop them ever going with him again but when I said temporarily, I meant and then apply for supervised access.

Thank you for calling me a bad mother for trying to get some support and advice.

My friend is a social worker and she has already told me they will give me advice on who to contact as they are safe at home!!!

I have not palmed it off to the school, I have spent the last 48 hours doing all I can to try and resolve as much as I can. I told her to let them know too as she is upset whilst there and she wanted to keep it to herself. I have had 2 meetings with them over the last two days.

I think its pretty much a waste of my time trying to explain myself further on here. I will continue to get the support I need elsewhere.

McKneff

I have to agree with everysinge poster on here.

You know what is going on, he is mis treating your children and you are allowing it to go on.

Do something about it !!!!!!.

emsywoo123

You only found out 2 nights ago? So your thread from 2010.... You then thought it was all Mary poppins did you.

Perhaps you are getting the responses that you are NOT because we are all wrong, but perhaps because we are flabbergasted at your post !

nearlysorted

geri1965 wrote: »

For starters, report him to the RSPCA for hitting the dog. Maybe a visit from them might make him think twice.

I was also going to say, report him to the RSPCA. The poor dog, has no one to fight for his rights.
OP, tell the ex that YOU have stopped access. If you are scared of your ex, go to a solicitor and have them send a letter to him, stating you will have no further contact directly with him and to go through the solicitor. If you DD really does still want contact, family courts will arrange supervised access.
Please OP, don't put your children in a situation that could be harmful to them or torment their future. Your DD's will grow up to think this kind of behaviour is normal, and the cycle will continue.