Should you have the same surname as your kids?

Elelyn

I grew up with a different name to my mother (she divorced my father, remarried and took new husbands name then divorced again and reverted to her maiden name) and I hated it. It was bad enough knowing I was different to my school friends as I only had one parent on the scene but having a different name made it even worse. For this reason when I got married I couldn't wait to take my husbands name. For me it is really important than when we have children we will all be known by the same surname. It creates a sense of identity and security as a family IMHO.

lazer

mildred1978 wrote: »

Different discussion perhaps, but not all of agree with the 'tradition' of taking a husband's name, and few men are enlightened enough to take their wife's name or choose a new name together.

Many women keep their name for professional reasons and their husband's for everything else then have a situation where they have to manage having 2 identities.

I didn't change when I married my husband, so I didn't want to change my name. I also didn't want the instant association to be to his family rather than my own. We also dont have any joint accounts. Doesn't make us any less married, nor our son any less mine. I did insist that my surname feature somewhere, and neither of us wanted to double barrel.

I believe this having the same name thing is rare in other countries and cultures. Not sure why we're so insistent in sticking with it.

Different things suit different people.

I may be continuing to use my maiden name for professional reasons, very very occassionally when my signature is required for something - as my certificates etc are all in that name, but in everyday work i will be using my married name.

To me marriage is about changing who you are - as you are no longer just yourself, you are part of a couple. I don't see the taking of his name as being the instant assocaition to his family, but instead as the instant association to our family.
Marriage is about leaving your original family and forming your own new family.

Every person has to work out what is right for themselves, and obviously what is right for me, wouldn't suit you and vice versa.

Using your surname as a 2nd middle name, would only work with certain surnames, with some it would sound daft!

It is tradition to take your husbands - and personally its a tradition i see no harm in, so will continue with it in my own life.

Apologies for taking the thread off topic slightly, but it helps to see others points of view too.

delain

None of my children have my surname, because i wouldn't wish it on anyone. It wasn't a nice name to go through school with.

It hasn't caused too much trouble, I just get the 'mrs xxxxx' thing now and again.

DD1 is more annoyed that one of her teachers remembers teaching me and persistently calls her by my first name...

Cue ' but why does she get mixed up, I don't even LOOK like you' :rotfl:

pinkclouds

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

I know its only a "name", but i hate having my exs surname. But i feel asthough if i change it back i will be letting my children down.
What if they asked in the future why?

Sorry im sure im being silly. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Whatever it says on your passport, your kids will always call you mommy. Or... mum, ma, mater, mummy, mam, mom, mother, mama...

My MIL didn't change her name when she got divorced. I don't think I would either. However, that's more to do with the fact we like the name we married into slightly more than our previous names! It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things though. Call yourself whatever you like. Being called Mrs Husband is just a custom. In Scotland, a very long time ago, it used to be the custom to retain your maiden name when you got married. Frankly, the only important names are the ones that go "of" as in "mother of", "wife of", "child of", etc.

mildred1978

lazer wrote: »

Different things suit different people.

I may be continuing to use my maiden name for professional reasons, very very occassionally when my signature is required for something - as my certificates etc are all in that name, but in everyday work i will be using my married name.

To me marriage is about changing who you are - as you are no longer just yourself, you are part of a couple. I don't see the taking of his name as being the instant assocaition to his family, but instead as the instant association to our family.
Marriage is about leaving your original family and forming your own new family.

Every person has to work out what is right for themselves, and obviously what is right for me, wouldn't suit you and vice versa.

Using your surname as a 2nd middle name, would only work with certain surnames, with some it would sound daft!

It is tradition to take your husbands - and personally its a tradition i see no harm in, so will continue with it in my own life.

Apologies for taking the thread off topic slightly, but it helps to see others points of view too.

We were part of a couple for 3 years before we were married. A piece of paper didn't change anything!

The tradition stems from a time when women, seen as lesser beings in society, were "owned" - first by their fathers and then by their husbands. Nice sentiment to keep going - he owns you but you don't own him. Perhaps you could get a slave and turn off the electricity supply to your house, you know, to keep the old traditions going.

(I jest, but that is how I feel about this symbol of ownership being peddled as a lighthearted tradition - it isn't.)

We've rarely needed to use my son's 2nd middle name, but it's there for him should he want to use it in the future. Covers all eventualities.

thatgirlsam

lazer wrote: »

I think its sad that this is a question for so many people but then again I'm an idealist and think children should be born inside marriage, and that marriage is forever - until death do you part.

I am getting married in 3 months - and will promise the love, honour and cherish my husband, in sickness and in health, for richer for pooer, all the days of our lives. It saddens me to think that people make these vows and then x number of years down the line something happens and one party doesn't remember their vows and the marriage breaks down.

I think its a poor reflection on us as society that it is now common for children to have a different surname to their parents.

OP - I think you should do whatever makes you happy as long as your children are happy too - what age are they, are they old enough to understand your decision?

Sincerely hope your marriage is good.

Remember, pride comes before a fall!

lazer

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Sincerely hope your marriage is good.

Remember, pride comes before a fall!

Its not pride - i realise all marriages aren't perfect, and expect there will be ups and downs in mine too and hope we can work throught them all.
My opinion on what marriage is just differs from others - I am very traditional

Marriage is more than a piece of paper to me, its a new beginning.

Me and my Fiance are a couple, but don't become a family until married and living together.

Children IMO should also be born inside marriage and have the same name as both as their parents, as Elelyn said it creates a sense of identity and security.

As i've said thats just my view - everyones view on it is different and equally valid, but I know what i want for my family (This is of course the ideal, and we can't predict the future!)

alwaysskint96

Well i was never married to any of my kids fathers so they all had my surname anyway. Now I am married i didnt change to DHs name. preferring to keep the same name as my kids, and grandchild and certainly thats preferable than carrying my inlaws name ugh

pollyanna24

My kids don't have the same name as me and it bothers me a little bit.

I was supposed to marry their dad when eldest was 10months, but he decided he just didn't want to.

We limped on for another year and a half, whereby we produced another offspring, and even though it was obvious we would split up, gave the younger one my ex's name just so she would have the same name as her sister (if I gave her my name, people would assume the girls had diff dads).

My girls are still quite young, so any issues with their names hasn't come up yet, but I always ignore the fact that we have diff surnames, say in preschool. My name is such and such and my daughter's is such and such.

Whenever I feel pangs about their name, I think at least it is easier to spell than mine and at the end of the day, I would rather be in my position where the kids have his name, but live with me... rather than them have my name and live with him!

Jinx

pinkclouds wrote: »

Whatever it says on your passport, your kids will always call you mommy. Or... mum, ma, mater, mummy, mam, mom, mother, mama...

Mine has called me by my first name since she was 2! lol Its quite endearing actually, although when she was small if she fell over or was upset it was 'muuuum'.

I returned to my maiden name after my divorce and daughter kept her dads surname - it was never a problem with the school or anyone else. I think its so common these days for everyone to have different situations that its unremarkable.