I am hurt

pelirocco

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Sorry, but your 'so-called' OH (he didn't think that you were worthy of that degree of consideration, did he?) has just told you as loudly and clearly as one soul can tell another exactly where YOU fit in his list of priorities...in case you don't understand, your place is at the bottom, sh*&^y end of the heap!

To hand a known waster this HUGE amount of money, without a single word to you who must help to pay it back, makes your partner a disgraceful, deceitful LIAR!

Mad? I'd be having guts for garters ...

Good god , talk about blowing things all out of proportion

Yes the OPs partner shouldnt have done this , but I suspect he was thinking he was helping his brother and future wife , maybe he is just too nice ?

Mojisola

pelirocco wrote: »

Good god , talk about blowing things all out of proportion

Yes the OPs partner shouldnt have done this , but I suspect he was thinking he was helping his brother and future wife , maybe he is just too nice ?

If your OH took out a £7k loan and gave it to an addict, would you really think "Ah, isn't he nice?"

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

If your OH took out a £7k loan and gave it to an addict, would you really think "Ah, isn't he nice?"

I can only think that pelirocco hasn't read the thread.

Not only is there the £7K borrowed by the OP's partners, there is also the £13K that the OP's partner's Dad lent to this guy.

samuela66 wrote: »

Thing is his brother is a gambler, his Dad lent him 13,000 pounds this time last year to pay some debts off, on the proviso he paid him back £300 per month, he has missed payments quite a few times, when he got engaged my partner had to go guarantor for the ring, but I think he did pay for that, anyways it turns out in the last month he has gambled over 12,000 pounds, they cant pay rent, council tax, bills, his dad, plus he had also told his fiancee he had paid for the honeymoon and the £2000 owing to the hotel.............this was all lies.
She rang up all upset on sunday after he told her he had spent both their wages and not paid for anything.
My boyfriend and his dad went down to see him and he said he would go to gamblers anon (he hasnt been yet), then they felt sorry for him and were thinking of lending him the money....
The thing I am so hurt about is my partner came home form work last night and blurted out he had took out a £7000 loan in his name for him because his brother needed to pay for honeymoon and hotel, when all he has done is gamble it away.

samuela66 wrote: »

Yes he has given him the 7k which he gambled away this month, and didnt pay anything, the story gets better though, its his stag this weekend. well he is having 6 days in spain, my b/f said its his punishment that he cant go cos he spent all the money, but then his fiances father is now paying off the wedding and has given him the money to go to spain, you wouldnt believe it would you?????:eek: I have tried to speak to his fiance but she is determined to marry him, I told her well this is how you will live the rest of your life!

Blowing things out of proportion?
pelirocco - here's a question:

Would you lend your brother £7K (without telling your partner about it) when you knew full well he is a gambler and your Dad has already loaned him £13K of which he's gambled away £12K?

paddy's_mum

During the course of this thread, someone (can't now find who, sorry!) called this kind of behaviour "financial unfaithfulness".

I've never heard that expression before but at the instant I read it, the description struck me as supremely accurate and a first-rate description of how the partner/spouse who it was perpetrated against must feel.

At rock bottom, whatever the 'matrimonial crime' might be, the OP has had someone she loves and trusted set them (as a couple) into a situation where disaster is only a hair's breadth away .. all in complete secrecy and totally behind her back.

There is massive disloyalty to the relationship in that course of action and I am quite sure that any divorce court judge would have no trouble whatever in accepting it as unreasonable conduct.

Out of all proportion? I don't believe so. Is the small-time dealer who hands the final, contaminated, toxic overdose to the addict also being a nice, kind guy?

Pollycat

paddy's_mum wrote: »

During the course of this thread, someone (can't now find who, sorry!) called this kind of behaviour "financial unfaithfulness".

I've never heard that expression before but at the instant I read it, the description struck me as supremely accurate and a first-rate description of how the partner/spouse who it was perpetrated against must feel.

At rock bottom, whatever the 'matrimonial crime' might be, the OP has had someone she loves and trusted set them (as a couple) into a situation where disaster is only a hair's breadth away .. all in complete secrecy and totally behind her back.

There is massive disloyalty to the relationship in that course of action and I am quite sure that any divorce court judge would have no trouble whatever in accepting it as unreasonable conduct.

Out of all proportion? I don't believe so. Is the small-time dealer who hands the final, contaminated, toxic overdose to the addict also being a nice, kind guy?

I agree 100% with your post, Paddy's Mum, and also agree that the phrase 'financial unfaithfulness' is a perfect description.
I think it was rosered1963 who mentioned this in post #18.

moneyspender1981

Hi,

i dont normally looks a this section but it caught my eye, i just wanted to say i'm sorry.

However i'm an addicted gambler and waht you describing is me and similar to waht i have done so thought i would share the other side of the coin.

I totally agree with everything your saying my family have bailed me out time and time again. I'm sticking up for him but be assures we dont do this to hurt people, the truth is we just dont think.. and its an addiction. We are selfish but we just dont think of the long term ... i.e if i spend this money we cant have a wedding.. wejust dont think that much.. we think if i gamble it we can have a better wedding... stupid i know.

Gmabler and money dont go well, he needs to leave the house with only the money he needs for dinner, if he gamblers that he going hungry.. He needs intervention... somtimes from the people who arnt as close maybe yourself.

We find it easy to let down the people close to us cos they have to love us.. if that makes sense... i will always payback someone not close irronically, cos you dont want to loose face.

He needs intervention... give up his bank account, give him the one chance to tell everyone about what he has done/ what he owes, if not we try and lesson the blow by holding stuff back.

With reagrds to the 7k, say you want it cash... you will come and get it on x day of the month, no if or buts... if hes out you will speak to his dad girlfriend.

writing this is easier than sorting the problem, I havnt stopped gambling but I can tell you the things I do. At the end of the day he has an addiction.

maryjanell79

Ok I get why he did it, its family and you do whatever you can to help your family in desperate times.

But if he is serious about getting help the first thing he needs to do is stop sponging off his family! It just feeds the habit.

Secondly, they need to call off the wedding completely, there is no sense in them getting married at this stage.

He then needs to start sorting out his debts himself. He got into this mess he should get himself out of it!

I completely understand your frustrations, that is an awful lot of money! I hope for everyone's sake he turns this mess around.

candygirl

I sadly suspect he will have to reach real rock bottom, before he seeks help.He is way off that yet, with everyone financially bailing him out .I also agree that the wedding shouldn't go ahead at this stage of chaos:eek::eek:

BitterAndTwisted

What the OP really needs to be worrying about, rather than the betrayal of the OH giving this money to his brother, is the consequences of it never being paid back. It's all very well saying "I'll show you my bank account transactions, so you can see the repayments coming in" but you know and we all know that there never will be any repayments. What then?

Can you both afford the affect the repayments on a loan of that magnitude will have on your household?

samuela66

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

What the OP really needs to be worrying about, rather than the betrayal of the OH giving this money to his brother, is the consequences of it never being paid back. It's all very well saying "I'll show you my bank account transactions, so you can see the repayments coming in" but you know and we all know that there never will be any repayments. What then?

Can you both afford the affect the repayments on a loan of that magnitude will have on your household?

Hi B and T

Yes we would afford it, wouldnt get luxuries for a while and I certainly would make sure my o/h was paying it off not me.
He has surrendered his bank account and his g/f has control so we will have to see what happens now!

xx