I am hurt

londonsurrey

samuela66 wrote: »

Hi Pollycat,

Have been with b/f 6 years, we live together the house is in his name which suits me at present. Our finances are not connected at all really I give him so much a month towards bills etc, not much really.
Thing is my partner has just taken redundancy from work so thats where his redundancy will have to go wont it, he has got another job paying a much higher wage, his rat of a brother prob clicked on to this and gave him the complete sob story and I believe now has threatened to kill himself.
He said he has arranged for his brother to pay him the loan back on the 29th of every month, and as I pointed out his brother sometimes cant make the repayments to his father for 13k he lent so what hope has he got. What makes me mad is had he consulted me I could of at least said we will pay these places I would not of been happy about it but I certainly wouldnt hand him the cash!!!!! And my talking may of made my other half see sense (although I doubt it)
So he has gone on his stag do courtesy of someone elses money, the wedding is paid for courtesy of someone elses money and he had the cheek to say to his partner the cash we get for our wedding (they asked for money towards honeymoon) he will book them a little break in Spain, the Mother in law went ballistic when I told her that snippet she said they can bloody well give us the money they havent paid this month:eek:
Yes partner knows he will have to pay if brother doesnt and as I said that impacts my life as in holidays etc.......
I could quite honestly go and strangle his brother.
Still not talking to partner I just cant be bothered at the moment..................

Don't bother going to strangle him, as he's now promised to go kill himself if X, Y and Z don't happen.

Oh wait, we know how good he is at keeping his promises. It looks like you might have to dust that garrot off after all.

Saint_Chris

Hi
sending hugs to you xxxx

your problem now isn't your in-laws 2 b and if they should or should not go to a stag do, get married etc
it's your relationship, because if you don't put this at the front of your priorities then it could go down the pan,

you will find out that the one thing you had in your relationship has gone trust, and believe me it's hard to get that back when gambling is involved.

Spend less time thinking about wanting to strangle the little rat, and spend more time on your own relationship.

xxxx

samuela66

Saint_Chris wrote: »

Hi
sending hugs to you xxxx

your problem now isn't your in-laws 2 b and if they should or should not go to a stag do, get married etc
it's your relationship, because if you don't put this at the front of your priorities then it could go down the pan,

you will find out that the one thing you had in your relationship has gone trust, and believe me it's hard to get that back when gambling is involved.

Spend less time thinking about wanting to strangle the little rat, and spend more time on your own relationship.

xxxx

Thankyou!!! I am so so sad now, and I just put into an email to him (only emailing cos he is in work)

This now means I don’t trust you anymore and that makes me sad because I always did and now I have issues with trusting you, it makes me wonder can we go on, do we actually have a future if I feel like I have to check your bank account to make sure of these things, make sure you haven’t given them the wedding present money, what kind of a relationship have YOU turned this into.

I don’t believe that you have any idea what a terrible thing you have just done to us!!!!

So that is what i have said to him, I could honestly cry!

shiny76

Try not to be too hard on your OH. He's complied with your conditons regarding the wedding present and checking bank statements.

He's 'only' guilty of being gullable/an idiot (for lending the money) and worrying about his brother (especially if he'd threatened suicide). Surely it's learning from these mistakes that really counts now.

londonsurrey

Do you know how many times the brother has threatened suicide, and what the timespan is for the first time and the last time he threatened it?

The other thing to consider is if the brother has threatened suicide, rather than the family contributing all this money to fund his habits, and to facilitate a wedding that will result in a marriage that will simply add more expectations placed on him,
just think of how much psychiatric care and therapy that money would have bought.

Pollycat

samuela66 wrote: »

Thankyou!!! I am so so sad now, and I just put into an email to him (only emailing cos he is in work)

This now means I don’t trust you anymore and that makes me sad because I always did and now I have issues with trusting you, it makes me wonder can we go on, do we actually have a future if I feel like I have to check your bank account to make sure of these things, make sure you haven’t given them the wedding present money, what kind of a relationship have YOU turned this into.

I don’t believe that you have any idea what a terrible thing you have just done to us!!!!

So that is what i have said to him, I could honestly cry!

Samuela
I understand how you feel but to be honest, I think what you've said in the text is something that you should be discussing with him face-to-face - so he can see the hurt in your eyes, the disappointment in your face and also hear the tone of your voice - instead of texting.

I'd wait until he gets home and see if you can both sit down and talk things through.

I really do hope that you can get your point of view across and that you can work this through.

Lotus-eater

I really think you should be talking about it too and not emailing.

And not sharing that email on a national forum.

samuela66

londonsurrey wrote: »

Do you know how many times the brother has threatened suicide, and what the timespan is for the first time and the last time he threatened it?

The other thing to consider is if the brother has threatened suicide, rather than the family contributing all this money to fund his habits, and to facilitate a wedding that will result in a marriage that will simply add more expectations placed on him,
just think of how much psychiatric care and therapy that money would have bought.

I am not actually sure, a couple of times I think, this is what have tried to say to his fiance, maybe put it on hold, she is wanting a baby straight away she said, it just gets worse!

londonsurrey

samuela66 wrote: »

I am not actually sure, a couple of times I think, this is what have tried to say to his fiance, maybe put it on hold, she is wanting a baby straight away she said, it just gets worse!

If you think about it, tying herself to a man with all these very obvious problems, the odds are that the woman has her own mountain of emotional and mental problems.

You've given it a shot. She's a grown up, not sectioned under a mental health act, and has chosen not to listen to you. That's that.

As you're continuing to tie your future to your OH, all you can do is to agree what the boundaries are. Because the reality is that brother dear is going to place more demands in the future. So, what is your OH going to do when his brother:

- threatens suicide
- has angry leg breaking debt collectors after him
- the wife is pregnant and "can't be stressed with a house repossession"
- the children are hungry
- etc, etc

I would suggest that you go as far as offering the fictional future children sarnies if need be, but firmly leave the BIL and SIL to deal with the rest of it in their own special way as they have been for the last few years. Can your OH agree to it and actually stick to it?

Person_one

samuela66 wrote: »

I know every one is upset angry and tons of other emotions, unless it is happening to you, you cannot believe how destroying it is can you???
Thanks for that address I believe he is going to Gamblers anon when he comes back from the stag do:mad:, which he should not be going on!

They have support groups that are specifically for the gamblers loved ones, generally held at the same time as a gamblers anonymous meeting but in a different room.

Worth looking into?