I am hurt

Pollycat

samuela66 wrote: »

The thing I am so hurt about is my partner came home form work last night and blurted out he had took out a £7000 loan in his name for him because his brother needed to pay for honeymoon and hotel, when all he has done is gamble it away.
I couldnt of stopped him doing it but I would of told him to pay these people directly (knowing what he is like)
I cannot speak to him and am so upset.....

How long have you been with your partner?
Do you live together?
Is the house in joint names?
How connected are your finances?

I'm thinking how this decision to take out a £7K loan may impact your finances personally.
Does he often make big (£7K big :eek:) financial decisions without involving you?

So your partner (without any discussion with you) took out a £7K loan to enable his brother to pay for his wedding and honeymoon and that £7K has been gambled away?
What arrangements has your partner put in place for his brother to pay this loan back (presumably taken out with a bank and in your partner's name)?

Is your partner aware that he (not his brother) will be paying that £7K if the brother won't?

Is there any way you (as a couple) will become liable to repay this £7K if the brother doesn't pay up?

If my OH had done this to me, I would be bloody furious and seriously thinking about the wisdom of continuing in a relationship with someone who shows me so little respect.

I agree with the posters saying that your partner, his Dad and his fiancee's Dad are not doing this guy any favours by just lending him money to feed his habit.

samuela66

Pollycat wrote: »

How long have you been with your partner?
Do you live together?
Is the house in joint names?
How connected are your finances?

I'm thinking how this decision to take out a £7K loan may impact your finances personally.
Does he often make big (£7K big :eek:) financial decisions without involving you?

So your partner (without any discussion with you) took out a £7K loan to enable his brother to pay for his wedding and honeymoon and that £7K has been gambled away?
What arrangements has your partner put in place for his brother to pay this loan back (presumably taken out with a bank and in your partner's name)?

Is your partner aware that he (not his brother) will be paying that £7K if the brother won't?

Is there any way you (as a couple) will become liable to repay this £7K if the brother doesn't pay up?

If my OH had done this to me, I would be bloody furious and seriously thinking about the wisdom of continuing in a relationship with someone who shows me so little respect.

I agree with the posters saying that your partner, his Dad and his fiancee's Dad are not doing this guy any favours by just lending him money to feed his habit.

Hi Pollycat,

Have been with b/f 6 years, we live together the house is in his name which suits me at present. Our finances are not connected at all really I give him so much a month towards bills etc, not much really.
Thing is my partner has just taken redundancy from work so thats where his redundancy will have to go wont it, he has got another job paying a much higher wage, his rat of a brother prob clicked on to this and gave him the complete sob story and I believe now has threatened to kill himself.
He said he has arranged for his brother to pay him the loan back on the 29th of every month, and as I pointed out his brother sometimes cant make the repayments to his father for 13k he lent so what hope has he got. What makes me mad is had he consulted me I could of at least said we will pay these places I would not of been happy about it but I certainly wouldnt hand him the cash!!!!! And my talking may of made my other half see sense (although I doubt it)
So he has gone on his stag do courtesy of someone elses money, the wedding is paid for courtesy of someone elses money and he had the cheek to say to his partner the cash we get for our wedding (they asked for money towards honeymoon) he will book them a little break in Spain, the Mother in law went ballistic when I told her that snippet she said they can bloody well give us the money they havent paid this month:eek:
Yes partner knows he will have to pay if brother doesnt and as I said that impacts my life as in holidays etc.......
I could quite honestly go and strangle his brother.
Still not talking to partner I just cant be bothered at the moment..................

samuela66

hngrymummy wrote: »

I can sort of see why your OH did what he did. He thought he was coming to the rescue of his brother's wedding and helping him out of an almighty mess. He was probably promised the earth - this'll never happen again, I know I've done wrong, I'm going to get help this time etc etc. Who wouldn't have the urge to help a sibling or friend when their wedding day was at risk?

I hope he's learned a very painful lesson. If he has, then you and him need to have a long talk about things and where to go from here. If he hasn't learned his lesson, then he may never learn, and you need to have a good long think about it all.

I helped a friend financially (and emotionally) when her wedding was at risk. It wasn't as much at 7k, but still a fair chunk for me. I was promised faithfully that it would be repaid over time. A few months after the wedding she moved house, never gave me her new address and never got in contact again.

MY god isnt that a terrible thing to do, I couldnt live with myself, you would be terrified of bumping into each other wouldnt you???
I hope he has learned his lesson, but like you say he may not if someone is threatening to take their life....
I said to O/H today and what next will he go to loan sharks and then he will be ringing up crying about getting a leg choppped off if someone doesnt cough up for him!!
Just sent partner an email to say that there will be stipulations about all this if i ever forgive him, firstly he was giving them £500 wedding present, I have said he cannot do this now,and I have also said I want to see every month the transfer into his bank of his brother... if this isnt agreed there defo will be no us anymore??? Do you think this is fair?

hazyjo

If people wanted to help him, why didn't they just pay the bills direct for him instead of giving him the cash. Ain't rocket science!

Gambling is an addiction and should be treated as such. Why anyone would think it's a good idea to hand them several thousand pounds (knowing they were still gambling) is beyond me...

You have every right to be annoyed with every party involved. Gamblers Anon (or whatever it's called) will only help him if he wants to be helped. He might need to hit rock bottom for that. Words are easy, action is much harder.

Jx

samuela66

Person_one wrote: »

You're seeing first hand how addictions don't just ruin the life of the addicted person, they poison and destroy whole families.

I would consider directing your OH and the rest of his family here:
http://www.gamanon.org.uk/

I know every one is upset angry and tons of other emotions, unless it is happening to you, you cannot believe how destroying it is can you???
Thanks for that address I believe he is going to Gamblers anon when he comes back from the stag do:mad:, which he should not be going on!

Mojisola

samuela66 wrote: »

Thanks for that address I believe he is going to Gamblers anon when he comes back from the stag do:mad:, which he should not be going on!

It's worth the family contacting them as well. While they keep on enabling his addiction he won't have any reason to see the light about his behaviour. They need to change their behaviour first.

sassyblue

samuela66 wrote: »

Just sent partner an email to say that there will be stipulations about all this if i ever forgive him, firstly he was giving them £500 wedding present, I have said he cannot do this now,and I have also said I want to see every month the transfer into his bank of his brother... if this isnt agreed there defo will be no us anymore??? Do you think this is fair?

Ah hun, none of us can tell you whether it's right as it would mean the end of your relationship.

Only you know whether you can live with the consequences of this.

kj*daisy

It sounds like your OH is caught up in whatever family dynamic is enabling BIL to gamble. Addicts can be terribly manipulative and difficult to say no to. I hope your OH learns from this, he could probably benefit from contacting Gamblers Anonymous for family support to help him break out of enabling the BIL and move forward with you. Definately no wedding present to BIL - I agree there!

duchy

I can't believe either your OH or your BIL would even consider the wedding present money as appropriate !!

The whole enabling dynamic in the family is sick and is doing no-one concerned any favours.

samuela66

Update, my partner has agreed to no wedding present money and showing me the money being paid into the account, I hate that it has come to this:(