I am hurt

samuela66

candygirl wrote: »

I sadly suspect he will have to reach real rock bottom, before he seeks help.He is way off that yet, with everyone financially bailing him out .I also agree that the wedding shouldn't go ahead at this stage of chaos:eek::eek:

She is going ahead with this wedding no matter what:eek:, I have tried several tactics to make her think about what she is doing to no avail, apparently she was at the theatre last night, he was in Spain on his stag do, the father is still waiting for this months repayment and they havent paid rent or anything, its absolutley sickening to me, this behaviour!!!
I wouldnt mind if we ever saw them, maybe twice in the last year or so.... but then you hear from people when they want something!

candygirl

samuela66 wrote: »

She is going ahead with this wedding no matter what:eek:, I have tried several tactics to make her think about what she is doing to no avail, apparently she was at the theatre last night, he was in Spain on his stag do, the father is still waiting for this months repayment and they havent paid rent or anything, its absolutley sickening to me, this behaviour!!!
I wouldnt mind if we ever saw them, maybe twice in the last year or so.... but then you hear from people when they want something!

and I hope you tell them to "jog on !!":D;)

amyloofoo

samuela66 wrote: »

She is going ahead with this wedding no matter what:eek:, I have tried several tactics to make her think about what she is doing to no avail, apparently she was at the theatre last night, he was in Spain on his stag do, the father is still waiting for this months repayment and they havent paid rent or anything, its absolutley sickening to me, this behaviour!!!
I wouldnt mind if we ever saw them, maybe twice in the last year or so.... but then you hear from people when they want something!

Samuela,

I really feel for you in this situation. I too feel that the description of 'financial unfaithfulness' is apt, although I can sympathise with the position of your OH. Ultimately it's up to you to decide whether you can put up with this situation (for want of a better phrase) now it's happened; but this is going to be dependent on whether any money is actually paid back, whether your OH continues to rebuild trust through sharing bank statements etc, and whether all parties seek relevant help and support.

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/addiction/Pages/gamblingaddiction.aspx
Found this on the NHS website which has links for the 'addict' and their families and friends. There are some good resources out there to help and I think your OH and his family definitely need some support in changing their attitude and behaviour towards this addiction. Whilst I can understand the desire to want to 'make things better' for your family by lending money, I fully understand how frustrating and distressing this must be for you, and that it's not helping your OH's brother in the long term.

I think you need to make a decision about whether you want to stay with your OH, be really clear about any conditions you need (i.e. no more lending, sharing bank statements, etc) and then stick to your decision. If your decision is to stay then you can't constantly berate your OH or make him feel bad for his decision, you need to tell him what he needs to do to regain your support, then get on with it. I know it's (MUCH) easier said than done, but dwelling on this will only prolong the damage to your relationship. There's nothing either of you can do now other than stop it happening again and try to recoup your losses.

I feel so sorry for his future wife - I know she's going into this with her eyes open, but I can't help but feel she must be a very damaged woman to want to commit herself to a relationship with these problems. I know none of us are perfect and there's no such thing as a fully 'functional' relationship, but I shudder at the idea of them bringing children into this mess. At the end of the day, you've done all you can in warning her and making sure she knows the full facts, it must be frustrating to watch though.

Pollycat

maryjanell79 wrote: »

Ok I get why he did it, its family and you do whatever you can to help your family in desperate times.

But if he is serious about getting help the first thing he needs to do is stop sponging off his family! It just feeds the habit.

Secondly, they need to call off the wedding completely, there is no sense in them getting married at this stage.

He then needs to start sorting out his debts himself. He got into this mess he should get himself out of it!

I completely understand your frustrations, that is an awful lot of money! I hope for everyone's sake he turns this mess around.

I agree with this, but I'd change the first point to this:

But if he is serious about getting help the first thing his family needs to do is to stop funding this guy's habit.

It's the OP's partner, his Dad and the guy's fiancee's Dad who are enabling him to gamble by funding his habit.

I think moneyspender1981's post is very good (I'd thank it twice if I could ) and he lays bare his feelings.

He gives this advice:

moneyspender1981 wrote: »

Gmabler and money dont go well, he needs to leave the house with only the money he needs for dinner, if he gamblers that he going hungry.. He needs intervention... somtimes from the people who arnt as close maybe yourself.

Loaning someone £13K and £7K is not doing this - in fact it's exactly the opposite.

samuela66 wrote: »

She is going ahead with this wedding no matter what:eek:, I have tried several tactics to make her think about what she is doing to no avail, apparently she was at the theatre last night, he was in Spain on his stag do, the father is still waiting for this months repayment and they havent paid rent or anything, its absolutley sickening to me, this behaviour!!!
I wouldnt mind if we ever saw them, maybe twice in the last year or so.... but then you hear from people when they want something!

Samuela
you are clearly wasting your time and breath.

Look after yourself, I hope that the talk you had with your partner will mean that he thinks twice (and discusses it with you first) before he lends his brother any more money.

thehappybutterfly

samuela66 wrote: »

She is going ahead with this wedding no matter what:eek:, I have tried several tactics to make her think about what she is doing to no avail, apparently she was at the theatre last night, he was in Spain on his stag do, the father is still waiting for this months repayment and they havent paid rent or anything, its absolutley sickening to me, this behaviour!!!
I wouldnt mind if we ever saw them, maybe twice in the last year or so.... but then you hear from people when they want something!

The problem with the gambler's gf is that she obviously doesn't care. As fas as she's concerned, if they get into financial difficulties with money being gambled away, someone will bail them out. She's as bad as him in my opinion. That might all change if and when his family pull the plug. But, it's unlikely the gf's dad will as he'll not want to see his daughter in difficulties. So they'll continue on their merry way - treating the family as and endless source of income.

OP - if I were you, I'd have nothing else to do with them. Even if your hubby refuses to help them out in future, it's very likely someone will and you'll only get upset and angry when you hear the latest scam. I always end up getting angry on other people's behalf when I see them getting the P taken out of them but that's their problem. You can't do anything about your BIL's parents helping out or the gf's family but you can control your input. And sort out that man of yours!!! It's all very well being generous to family but not to someone who simply doesn't deserve it. Perhaps when he discovers that the repayments aren't being made he'll come round to your point of view and say "you were right!".

samuela66

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

The problem with the gambler's gf is that she obviously doesn't care. As fas as she's concerned, if they get into financial difficulties with money being gambled away, someone will bail them out. She's as bad as him in my opinion. That might all change if and when his family pull the plug. But, it's unlikely the gf's dad will as he'll not want to see his daughter in difficulties. So they'll continue on their merry way - treating the family as and endless source of income.

OP - if I were you, I'd have nothing else to do with them. Even if your hubby refuses to help them out in future, it's very likely someone will and you'll only get upset and angry when you hear the latest scam. I always end up getting angry on other people's behalf when I see them getting the P taken out of them but that's their problem. You can't do anything about your BIL's parents helping out or the gf's family but you can control your input. And sort out that man of yours!!! It's all very well being generous to family but not to someone who simply doesn't deserve it. Perhaps when he discovers that the repayments aren't being made he'll come round to your point of view and say "you were right!".

I know what you are saying Happy B, as I have calmed down during the week I have had time to think, and my thoughts are that yes no one heard from her all the other times to sort him out, but now she wants more money for this shambles of a wedding she comes crying on the phone, and I have heard that they lied to her father and did not tell him about the 13k and 7k, and she has said none of her family is to know about anything. I think once she has had wedding she will give him control of his money again and no one will see a penny, becasue she has had her day and that is all that matters. As for my man he is very sheepish and disappointed in himself for falling for it, we discovered today his dad had also last year gave him 1500, I could strangle the brother.
But you are correct we didnt have much to do with them in the first place and now it will be far far less......
x

samuela66

amyloofoo wrote: »

Samuela,

I really feel for you in this situation. I too feel that the description of 'financial unfaithfulness' is apt, although I can sympathise with the position of your OH. Ultimately it's up to you to decide whether you can put up with this situation (for want of a better phrase) now it's happened; but this is going to be dependent on whether any money is actually paid back, whether your OH continues to rebuild trust through sharing bank statements etc, and whether all parties seek relevant help and support.

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/addiction/Pages/gamblingaddiction.aspx
Found this on the NHS website which has links for the 'addict' and their families and friends. There are some good resources out there to help and I think your OH and his family definitely need some support in changing their attitude and behaviour towards this addiction. Whilst I can understand the desire to want to 'make things better' for your family by lending money, I fully understand how frustrating and distressing this must be for you, and that it's not helping your OH's brother in the long term.

I think you need to make a decision about whether you want to stay with your OH, be really clear about any conditions you need (i.e. no more lending, sharing bank statements, etc) and then stick to your decision. If your decision is to stay then you can't constantly berate your OH or make him feel bad for his decision, you need to tell him what he needs to do to regain your support, then get on with it. I know it's (MUCH) easier said than done, but dwelling on this will only prolong the damage to your relationship. There's nothing either of you can do now other than stop it happening again and try to recoup your losses.

I feel so sorry for his future wife - I know she's going into this with her eyes open, but I can't help but feel she must be a very damaged woman to want to commit herself to a relationship with these problems. I know none of us are perfect and there's no such thing as a fully 'functional' relationship, but I shudder at the idea of them bringing children into this mess. At the end of the day, you've done all you can in warning her and making sure she knows the full facts, it must be frustrating to watch though.

Thanks Amyloo, that all makes great sense, I know what you are saying about not going on bout what my O/H has done, and like you say easier said than done, but thats what i have to do I have said my bit, laid the ground rules with him I guess now I just have to trust that he wont give in to him if he asks for more cash!

thx

gfplux

Giving money to a gambling addict is the same as giving alcohol to a alcoholic and just as irresponsible.